It’s our first week of Neighpril over at Teen Girl Talk as we cover the movie, A Pumpkin Spice Holiday
Neighpril 3: A Pumpkin Spice Holiday
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The Aunt Gladys Movie is Pointless
What a useless and pointless cash grab. I don’t normally say that about prequels and sequels but this one feels particularly egregious. Weapons was such a good movie but it doesn’t need to be a sequel machine like all the others. It’s like a magic trick and a prequel would explain how the magic is done, thus ruining the trick.
If you haven’t seen Weapons yet, you should go do that. It’s an amazing film and very scary. I know I’m a bit of a scaredy cat for horror movies as opposed to reading horror so maybe I can’t judge it that well. I’m going to get into a few spoilers in this post so you can skip it if you like.
SPOILERS START AFTER THIS
The story of Weapons is that 27 children have gone missing. Based on ring camera footage, all the children got out of their beds at about 2am and they ran off into the distance. What follows is several figures living through the aftermath or actively trying to find out what happened to the kids. We see the story from several perspectives.
One such perspective, is Alex the only boy that didn’t run into the woods from his elementary school classroom. We find out that weeks before the incident, Alex’s mother invited their Aunt Gladys to come to stay with them.
Turns out that Aunt Gladys is a witch and is hundreds of years old possibly, I don’t know. The movie leaves you to make your own lore for her. She can control people by performing her witchcraft and appear in people’s dreams, maybe, once again the movie tells you that context is for other movies.
She uses this power to make Alex’s parents act as enforcers and hostages. There’s a horrifying scene where she makes them stab themselves in the face with forks when Alex disobeys. She was behind the missing children who she’s hiding in Alex’s basement and forcing him to feed them cold soup along with his parents. She’s going to suck the youth from them or something, once again, the movie is not forthcoming with answers. Alex eventually uses the same witchcraft to have the kids chase her down and tear her limb from limb in a scene that can only be described as hilarious.
The movie leaves you with nonstop questions about Aunt Gladys, where did she come from? How did she learn her powers? Are there other witches out there? Is she part of a coven?
These are the questions I had after this movie and I don’t need any of them answered. Whatever answer I’m going to come up with is going to be better than anything that the movie studio could figure out.
I’m not against prequels, don’t get me wrong. I just think that this is going to become the worst kind of prequel, which is shitty reverence as opposed to fanfiction, which is the good kind of prequel. Allow me to explain the difference.
Solo: A Star Wars story is shitty reverence. They make such a big fucking deal about every goddamn part about Han Solo’s life. My name’s Han, I’m alone, alright we’ll call you Han Solo. Stupid. There’s a part where Woody Harrelson disassembles this large rifle and it turns out to be the blaster that Han used in the first two movies. He even kisses it before he gives it to Han. Why? Why would he kiss it? We see the Kessel Run, which is kind of fun.
What I’m getting at, especially with Woody Harrelson kissing the blaster is that it’s like he knows how important it is. It’s like if all the characters were like “I can’t believe we’re hanging out with the Han Solo! Can you believe how historical this all is!”
It also just makes Han Solo lamer. I didn’t need to know he was a floppy haired idiot running around not knowing what to do half the time. It’s like finding out Marlon Brando’s Godfather got his position because his predecessor was killed through a series of pratfalls that started by him slipping on a banana. And there was a yakety sax style chase at some point.
All it is, is a handjob. It doesn’t matter. There’s no reason for it to exist except for fan service. I didn’t ask where han solo’s blaster and vest came from. Now let’s look at the fanfiction.
This might be cheating because it’s technically a sequel-prequel. But the whole thing focuses on Rocket Raccoon and explains his past. Mostly while he’s unconscious after getting fucked up by Adam Warlock. What works about it is that we see how much his friends give a shit about him and are willing to go to any lengths to save him.
During his comatose state, Rocket remembers his life as a creation of the High Evolutionary a man looking to create the perfect world. Rocket is thrown into a jail cell that becomes his whole world along with his friends, Teefs, Floor and Lylla. They help the High Evolutionary create his perfect world but he hates Rocket because Rocket is so much smarter than he is. This leads him to attempt to kill them. Rocket attempts to escape but all of his friends are killed. Partially because he refuses to run and instead attacks the High Evolutionary. He brutalizes the High Evolutionary and flies to the stars eventually meeting up with Groot and the others.
We’re not shown his meetup with Groot but this backstory recontextualizes everything that’s happened to him before. In the first movie, where he yells at Drax for summoning Ronan to attempt to kill him and just gets his ass kicked, Rocket shouts at him “Everyone’s got dead people, that’s not an excuse to get everyone killed” and now we know he knows that from personal experience. When he wants to flee to protect Groot instead of going to fight Ronan and most likely die, he’s not being a coward, he just knows that he has to survive and protect what remains of his family.
We know now why he hates himself so much, because he thinks that he got his friends killed. It also makes him losing Groot twice and the rest of the guardians that much more heartbreaking because he lost his family three times. There’s also a payoff from the first movie where they were ready to run away and let Ronan kill the universe because fighting him would lead to their deaths. Now in this movie, there is no discussion, they’re going to go save people whether they be a bunch of kids or animals.
I liked Rocket before this movie. I loved him after this. And that’s how you do it. You don’t need to create a giant neon sign about their motivations. You can just show their past and let you make the connections.
Weapons was an enormous hit. I don’t think you need to add anything to it. It doesn’t need Aunt Gladys doing her first magic. I can know she did it and be satisfied. There’s no way it would be shitty reverence.
What Street Fighter move set would each pop star get?
This is one of those esoteric posts where I’m sure that no one will agree with me because what I’m talking about is absolutely insane.
1. Britney Spears- Ryu/Christina Aguilera- Ken
When I was younger there was a feeling of rivalry between these two. The studios played it up leading eventually to the quashing of it(I guess?) by having them both smooch Madonna at the VMAs. So, what better way to feature this rivalry by giving them the movesets of two of the greatest rivals in video game history. I think the simple set of fireball, dragon uppercut and hurricane kick would be great for these two ladies. Simple and clean like the song by Utada Hikaru.
2. Charli XCX/M. Bison
M. Bison is the final boss of the first few Street Fighter games. Megalomaniac and all that. I’m not saying that’s who Charli XCX is but I do feel like his moveset would fit her. Just imagine her doing a psycho crusher in that outfit she’s wearing in the left. It would be sick as hell. Plus, “The day that Charli XCX visited your village was the greatest day of your life, but to me it was Tuesday.” feels like it fits and also “For I beheld satan as he fell from heaven like lightning!” also feels like something she would say.
Taylor Swift/Juri
A great deal has been made about Taylor Swift’s legs including her who pointed out that her cat owed her several million dollars for scratching her legs. I don’t really care beyond the fact that I think that in that case it makes sense for her to have Juri’s moveset. Almost all of Juri’s moves are kicks and thus it would make sense to come from Taylor Swift.
Olivia Rodrigo/Guile
Wrote a song called All American Bitch and thus she claims this moveset as her own. But I feel like it also fits, full of sick kicks and the sonic boom that keeps her mobile and fast. Sometimes things just fit because they fit. Speaking of which…
Harry Styles/Sean
Harry Styles gives me big Sean energy. I don’t know why. I could see him finishing off an opponent with a disrespectful basketball throw.
Mariah Carey/Cody
Okay, now this is going to be a weird one. The whole thing about Cody is that he has unchecked power and is untrained. That if he was trained, he would be nearly unstoppable. His punches throw hurricanes just as they are. So, to that end, I think that Mariah Carey who has an insanely powerful voice would fit his moveset. Also, much like Cody who remains in jail despite being able to break out whenever he wants, Mariah Carey remains hidden until Christmas when she unleashes herself and takes control of the airwaves.
I feel like I could keep this going but I’d rather leave on a high note. If I think of some more, I’ll do a part 2.
One of my favorite little things in Dogma
If you’re reading this, I’m going to assume you’re away who Jay and Silent Bob are. Then you know this man: Jay Mewes.
When he unknowingly meets God(Portrayed by Alanis Morisette) he asks: “What the fuck is this, the Piano? Why the fuck ain’t this broad talking?”
It just delights me that apparently as some point in his life, Jay Mewes was like I’m going to watch this thoughtful period piece. Probably while high and it made such a lasting impression on him.
What I would want from an Animorphs TV show
https://variety.com/2026/tv/news/animorphs-tv-series-disney-plus-ryan-coogler-1236678435/
In the above link, you can find a story that Ryan Coogler’s production company is in possible works to make an Animorphs TV show. They did it before and it was not that great. The andalites just shoved each other around instead of fighting with their tails. They barely morphed throughout the series because it took too much money to handle the animals. Let’s take some time and I’ll talk to you about what I want in the series.
- Animated
I like real animals as much as the next guy but c’mon, it would be very expensive and dangerous to have the Animorphs’ battle morphs on set at the same time. They are in no particular order tiger, bear, gorilla, wolf and red tailed hawk. Along with whatever nonsense they’re going to do for the andalites. That’s going to be no small task in live action, I mean look at these things:
The solution, I think is turning it into animation. We’ve had some great serious animation like with Invincible and Primal and I think that this would make it easier to do some of the major sci-fi things and animal violence without involving real animals.
I’m not sure what kind of style I would do it in, maybe a more realistic one. Considering the anti-war messages, I think having some starkness to it would be better. People have mentioned Invincible and I think that’s the best option. Realistic but then body horror during the morphing. I would love to see everyone’s reactions to the things that we had to see in our mind’s eyes when we were kids reading these books. Behold that time Jake’s tiger morph nearly got eaten by fire ants. Behold that time Marco’s gorilla morph had skin ripped off from the ice that he landed on in the arctic in book 25. Those are just the ones off the top of my head.
2. Make every book a two part episode
I’m not talking two hour long episodes but instead the way they split up the original Justice League cartoon episodes. We’re sticking with that this is in animation and hopefully less to produce. Plus, it would make sure that there’s enough time for the entire book to get covered. Such as with book 6 where Jake gets a yeerk in his ear after a mission. There’s a part in the book, where Ax realizes what’s going on before anyone else and whips his tail up against Jake’s throat screaming <YEERK!>. Boom, episode end.
The next episode starts with Jake being locked in the shed that he would spend the rest of the book in. There’s not much in these books but you do need to give them room to breath. Which brings me to my next point…
3. Make room for more characterization
There’s not much downtime in an Animorphs book. You know enough about the kids that I can give you their personality traits. They would also always have a little adventure in the beginning as in one of the books they go to the circus and free the animals because Cassie hated the circus.
It would be great to get some little best friend moments between the two friendships, Jake and Marco and Rachel and Cassie respectively. Have some moments where we see Tobias going about his day as a hawk and maybe when he can get the chance to morph again, showing him getting used to being a human. Going on little adventures with Ax possibly. Hanging at the mall, which brings me into another point…
4. Place in its time period of the mid to late 90s
It’s going to be difficult to keep the secret of the Animorphs in the modern age. Sure, you could explain away kids morphing by saying it’s AI but that’s only going to last for so long. Plus, if they don’t have access to a whole bunch of other things like Uber and cell phones, it can help hype up the tension. Plus, there aren’t many good things that came out of the late nineties or early aughts. Give them something.
5. Keep the enemies mysterious
On Battlestar Galactica, we got three and a half seasons of the Cylons being an overarching and mysterious threat to the colonists. Then we started getting plot lines on the basestar, which were okay but for me never had the same impact as the human storylines. It did however showcase their eventual change throughout the series into what they would become in the end. A completely different entity. I don’t need to know what Visser Three gets up to in his spare time. The Yeerks should not get the same characterization as the children. Let them just be a threat.
In conclusion, I’m excited by the idea but it’s going to take a lot to make me think this is viable. Animorphs is a tough nut to crack off of the page. I wouldn’t be surprised if this didn’t make it past the planning stages.
A Moment in the Life of Fred Durst
(I wrote this because I was listening to the Mom Can’t Cook episode about Lemonade Mouth where the bad guy is a rap rocker. I listened to Break Stuff and it is a really good song for what it is. This idea just popped into my head. I actually have a great deal of respect for the man. Him showing up in I Saw the TV Glow, a deeply trans film and Y2K where he good-naturedly made fun of himself. I think that he might be an alright dude.)
He didn’t have to look around to find his trusted red baseball cap. It was always within arms’ reach and of course, he could easily summon it to his hand through the deep magic of nu metal. He could not show people that though, lest he be stripped of his powers by the nu metal mages that taught him his dark craft. But now was the time to write. Now was the time to express himself.
He sat down at his desk. He tapped his pencil against the desk, it’s point ready to be dulled through his art. He looked at his notebook. What would he bring into the being? What would he draw from the fabric of creation?
He decided that he had to speak to the people. To the everyman. What was one of the most universal things to say to somebody else? He thought for a few moments and nodded to himself.
“Did you ever have one of those days?”
There it was. A cordial phrase. One that you would say to a friend. Someone you loved. They would know that you’re going to talk about a shared experience. What else did people not want? Sometimes you…
“Did you ever have one of those days? Where you didn’t want to wake up.”
Yes, yes, YES. He was describing a bad day. Everyone had had bad days. Of course, he was far richer so his bad days were much better than others. Much easier. But he could still relate to the people. He needed to describe the people that you encountered.
“Everything is fucked. Everybody sucks.”
Beautiful. He was a wordsmith. He had to keep going.
“You don’t really know why.”
Excellent. Time to express the anger. Truly express it.
“But you really want to justify ripping someone’s off.”
What if he was an assassin? One that you didn’t want to make angry?
“No human contact. And if you interact, your life is on contract.”
His pencil was nearly on fire. He kept writing. When he was done, the eraser remained untouched because why would you need to erase any of it? He had had his pencil wore near down to the nub. But he looked upon his song, “Break Stuff”. This certainly wouldn’t come back to bite him in the year 1999.
The Genius of the Power is Power scene
A bit of a primer for this scene is that Petyr Baelish is trying to play the Lannisters, here represented by Cersei. He mentions the fact that Cersei is sleeping with her twin brother, Jaime and that he can use that knowledge to harm them. Thus, him telling her that knowledge is power. What follows is Cersei demonstrating that it’s hard to tell people what you know when a guard cuts your throat.
My God, the writing was strong back in the early seasons. But of course those are just words on a page. You need talent to bring them to life. Aiden Gillan brings slimy heat to Petyr but of course, it’s Lena Headey that’s the MVP of this scene. She moves from overwhelmingly powerful to flippantly violent. The way she laughs as she says “I’ve changed my mind”. She then instructs her guards to close their eyes.
Maybe it’s the tone of her voice or just everything we’ve just seen, but we know that they’ve closed those eyes without having to take away from them being random faceless guards. I don’t remember if this scene is in the books but if it was, I would have something in there about Petyr knowing that the guards had obeyed her without having to see their faces.
It’s not just the absolute loyalty that the guards have whether through fear or pay, but the pettiness. Her playing these guards like they’re her toys. And the fact that she turned on a dime from a normal conversation to getting ready to spill someone’s blood in the middle of the palace. Because she knows no one will say a god damn thing.
In the later seasons as she made mistake after mistake and then more mistakes trying to fix those first mistakes, it’s hard to remember this Cersei. The one that seemed to be confident and capable. But that’s generally what I think makes villains interesting as they realize that their plans were always stupid and doomed to fail. Kind of like Randall Flagg from Stephen King’s novels. At the end of the Stand, he wasn’t that much. Same as Cersei who couldn’t stop what was coming. Of course that ending sucked but… you have to take what you get.
say hi to your dog for me
Lorelei had been driving around with the bumper sticker from WeRateDogs on the back of her car for the last two years. She wasn’t a dog owner but she was a fan of dogs. She would go to the parks and watch people walking their dogs. Wishing she had the room or time for one. Not right now. Not until she got her promotion and had more control over her time. Soon. Soon.
She pulled up to the light and sat there. She knew this light and that she was going to be there for a long time. At least it was a nice day. Bright and clear. There weren’t too many folks on the road.
With a rev of an enormous engine, a pick up truck pulled behind her. It then revved again and pulled up next to her. She heard the sonorous sound of the horn and glanced over.
The man sitting in the car next to her was white, bald and wearing wraparound sunglasses. He was smiling a wide smile. She didn’t know what to make of the man. She wondered if he was about to say something to her whether sexual or racist. He kept smiling though.
“Say hi to your dog for me?” he called. “How about you do it yourself.”
He lifted up his hand and Lorelei nearly died. He held a chihuahua in his hand that was small and black and brown. The eyes were bugging out. It was shaking in the hand of its owner. She couldn’t tell if he was scared or just shaking like most chihuahuas do.
“Oh my God, look at that sweet angel,” Lorelei cooed. “What’s their name?”
“Apple pie!” the man called back friendly.
The light finally turned green.
“You two have a wonderful day,” Lorelei called after him as the man lowered Apple Pie back to their seat.
He gave her a friendly wave and drove through the light. Lorelei continued with her day as well, feeling a little bit happier. A little bit brighter having seen such a beautiful little one. Such is the power of the dog.
Teen Girl Talk: Weapons
Weird rule that people follow
This might be esoteric to the point that I’m exaggerating but I do feel like this is in our collective public consciousness. Especially because the movie that I’m going to talk about is at this point over 32 years old. The thing is that I feel like this is a rule that actual people followed throughout my years of going to concerts.
In this movie, Jeremy Piven’s character tells someone that they can’t go to a concert wearing a t-shirt of the band that you’re going to go see. And a lot of people took that rule to be the god’s honest truth.
Also, if you haven’t seen this movie, it’s strange prescient as it’s people complaining about wokeness before it was called that and was instead called being politically correct or PC. Otherwise known as not being focused on the feelings of straight, white males.
I’m still seeing posts on reddit about it though they’re written by people in the same age range as me. I had only heard the rule from the movie, maybe it was in the public show consciousness and the writer just threw it into the movie. I don’t know.
I’ve heard some people say though that they have a good reason not to do it. They want to wear other shirts to see if they can spark a conversation with people about other bands that they like. That makes sense to me.
The way I feel about it, is that I love people who are in love with bands. I especially love how excited everyone gets now when they go to shows. I think that if you love a band and want to show that by wearing their shirt, you should. I think that if you don’t and want to wear something else, that’s valid too. It’s all the same to me. Just let people have fun.
Franklin Cota, an author and podcaster 