Teen Girl Talk: You’re Killing Me
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Attack on Titan American Live Action Movie
I’ve had this idea for a long time and while I think that American remakes are terrible, I think that this would be fun. For those that don’t know, Attack on Titan is a show where what remains of humanity are locked inside of a group of walls to save them from the Titans, massive naked humanoids that seek to eat them.
I watched the first season and most of the second but then found out that the main characters become fascists and gave up on it after that. There was a live action movie, which I saw with my friends and it sucked. The thing about these movies is that technology is stuck somewhere in the realm of I want to say revolutionary era America. Guns are single shot and not that useful. Also, titans have to be killed by having the back of their necks sliced open. They do this by using swords and something called ODM gear to swing them around the city while they fight.
That part is sick as hell. So, now that we have all that backstory, what’s the big idea I’ve had? Simple. They should make a remake of this, hype all the big names in it, all the best talent in Hollywood. Show them in the gear.
Then murder all of them immediately.
Jenna Ortega, eaten. Tom Holland, knocked out of the sky and eaten. Brad Pitt, stomped on.
Just a full ten minutes of popular Hollywood actors getting merced to show that no one in the franchise is safe. After that, start the actual movie with a group of unknown actors. Maybe make Inde Navarrette the Mikasa Ackerman substitute. I don’t know.
You have to subvert expectations because the original show does that so well. Especially for…
Click here to reveal spoiler!
In the fifth episode of the show, Eren Yeager the protagonist gets eaten by a Titan, the first time he tries to fight.
Anyway, that’s what I would do. But we don’t need anymore live action anime remakes especially because Jordan Peele had the beautiful and talented Keke Palmer perform an Akira slide in Nope and that kind of won for best anime adaption of all time.
Baby Assassins Review
We like making movies about assassins because it combines what we all have to do(a job) with the fantasy that we have when we see a zombie movie(to take care of your problems through killing). We use that to tell stories about the human condition. John Wick trying to escape his life of murder only for it to cling and drag him back. The same thing with the Professional. Kill Bill. Okay, so maybe there’s only one real assassination plot. Someone wants to live but their hands are stained with blood and they can’t get away from the things they did.
Well, what if that didn’t happen. What if the two assassins didn’t care and were just kind of happy living their lives as killers? What if they were just lazy slackers when they weren’t killing? And that’s what Baby Assassins is in a nutshell.
Chisato and Mahiro, a pair of assassins, are told by their handler that they need to get part time jobs to make sure that the taxman doesn’t come looking for them. Unfortunately, beyond killing they’re not good at much else. We see Chisato working at a waffle place, she can’t quite get the whipped cream on the waffle as well as she’s supposed to. She puts in it in front of the customer and he states that he doesn’t like whipped cream and gives it to his date. Seeing her hard work cast aside, she screams at him “What the fuck is your problem?!” and slaps him with her tray. The owner comes over and using her bare hands, Chisato breaks her neck. Always with a bright smile on her face after she’s committed the violence.
This becomes the tone for the entire film. There is a subplot where Mahiro doesn’t think that she can fit in with anyone in society so she doesn’t see the point of trying. Chisato manages to succeed at a maid cafe until the subplot pops in. The subplot being a yakuza trying to modernize his operation by welcoming women into the fold. A male and female yakuza member are trying to find out who killed one of their members and guess what it’s the girls. The girls barely acknowledge what’s going on with the yakuza until the end of the movie.
The movie knows what it’s about. It knows that the true heart of the film is the two assassins and sticks with them throughout all of it. Their relationship is actually generally sweet and reminded me a lot of Buddy Daddies minus the child(I would not trust Chisato and Mahiro with a kid). It has good action, it’s interesting and a breath of fresh air where most action stars are giant hulking dudes who are good at everything, you have these two gremlins who are barely functional.
If you’re looking for a chill time, watch it on Tubi or Youtube. I highly recommend it.
Plus the director does a rad thing where he made another film that’s in the same universe called A Janitor and the two women appear as antagonists. But unlike the movie, Ballerina, which did that so that John Wick could show up and tell the protagonist what a good job she’s doing, they just appear to be road blocks for the main character.
Has The Elder Scrolls encountered the Saints Row 4 Problem?
I’ve talked about my love of Skyrim somewhat briefly in regards to my love of lists and how it helps with that. There have been rumors of Elder Scrolls VI since Skyrim came out and yet, it’s nowhere to be seen. Why is that?
Well, I think because Bethesda made a game that was so good that you don’t need to make anymore. It gave you the ultimate character to play that it would be difficult to figure out where to go from there. The Dragonborn. The last of their kind to exist, born to learn the language of dragons and then use that power to slay them. They can become the head of the wizarding college, a bard, head of both an assassin and thief guild and all kinds of other things. The minute you were done with the opening, the world opened up to you and you could just do whatever you wanted. I heard about a guy that just spent hundreds of hours playing as an NPC. The game despite being a buggy mess is utter perfection.
So, how do you build on perfection? Valve haven’t figured that out and they’ve possibly be working on a follow up to one of the greatest FPS shooters of all time, Half-Life 2. There’s nowhere to go but down if you were to try and continue on that. They did pretty good with Half-Life: Alyx, which I still think that it shouldn’t have been part of the gimmicky VR, but they keep waiting for new innovations to build around.
It’s the powerset though with Skyrim that I think is what’s kneecapping it. As I stated up above, the Dragonborn is so fucking cool that you would be hard pressed to create something that would equal it. I’m sure if you didn’t play as the Dragonborn, people would make mods to enable it. Thus we arrive at the Saints Row IV problem.
Saints Row started as a copy of Grand Theft Auto 3 considering that game did gangbusters. The first Saints Row did okay but started making a name for itself by leaning into the goofiness in the second one. That kept going with things like dildo bats, a dubstep gun and any other number of funny weapons. The dialogue was legitimately funny at times. They were good games.
Then Saints Row IV came out and you straight up just had super powers. And that’s where the games just kind of… stopped being good. Because you really couldn’t go back to not having superpowers but you also just couldn’t keep doing superpowers. It would become stale after a long while.
And that brings me to what to do about the Elder Scrolls. Embrace the open world aspect of it. Just send the player out without any real direction and let them figure it out. Just start talking to people and finding out what’s happening. Someone mentions that bandits are in the local cave. Go take them out. Alchemy and conjuration can be specialized to the point that you could spend hours just learning those. Give them their own quests. Have different ways to get into the main quest based on who you talk to so people are trading stories about how they got into it. Baldur’s Gate 3 has proven that people aren’t afraid of big games anymore. Make it bigger and the true medieval rags to riches hero journey. You have the winning formula to do more. So do it.
A Discussion
(My brain was being fried last week by the heat that’s why this last bit of Friday fiction didn’t make it into Pride month this is based off of this entirely unhinged and entitled story from reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/comments/1smvqap/not_oop_aitj_for_wanting_my_beliefs_respected_in/)
Calvin Poulton had worked hard his entire life. He had put the money away and now he was living off the benefits of it. He took in his backyard. The day was dawning with a nice chill. He heard his daughter moving around upstairs. His son was still in bed. He would be for some time. Let them sleep, they had just finished their school year. They deserved to relax for a little bit.
He heard the dull light sound of a car door slamming in his front yard. He wandered to the big picture window. His son was saying something to his wife. She said something back. They looked at the window and he wondered if they could see him. He took a deep drink of his coffee.
“Ah, hell,” he said to no one.
He walked back into the kitchen and started pouring the last of the coffee into his cup. He put the pot back on the machine. He heard his door open. They didn’t even bother to knock. He was looking out of his window when he heard them come into the kitchen.
“Hi, dad,” Brian said.
“Hi, son, what do I owe for this visit?” Calvin said taking another sip.
“We wanted to talk to you about the vacation coming up.”
“Oh.”
He took another long sip. He really just wanted a day to himself and his daughter. Why did they have to come here and ruin everything? No, they wouldn’t ruin his day. He wouldn’t let them.
“What about the vacation?” he asked.
“Well, as you know we have disagreed with Leon’s choice of lifestyle,” Krysten said haughtily for Calvin believed that was the only way she knew how to speak.
“Whose Leon?” Calvin asked putting his coffee cup in the sink.
“I’m not calling him that,” Brian said. “That’s mom’s name.”
“Then if you’re going to disrespect your sister you can get out of my house.”
“She’s not my-“
His wife put her hand on his arm and he quieted.
“The thing is that, that kind of lifestyle is against our beliefs. It’s a sin,” Krysten said.
“Really? Which verse defines it as so?” Calvin said leaning back against his counter.
“Deuteronomy 22:15 forbids that people shouldn’t wear clothing of the opposite sex.”
Calvin cocked his head to the right.
“You’re wearing jeans. Those aren’t women’s clothing are they?” Calvin said. “Also, denim and cotton are two different fabrics. How do you square that up with Leviticus?”
She looked at him and opened her mouth but didn’t say anything.
“Don’t try and come at me with Bible verses, I’ve lead Bible study at my church for the last two decades. The only difference is that I don’t use my religion as a cudgel on other people,” Calvin said.
“Dad, there’s no reason to get so hostile,” Brian said.
“You’re the ones that came here, unannounced on a Saturday morning to dead name my kid. My patience is at its limit,” Calvin said.
“You never cared about any of this before. You’ve changed.”
“Yes, I’ve changed and I’ve grown! That’s the point of all of this! You can’t just stay encased in amber for the rest of your life. Following some dusty old book and hoping that you can force the world into it.”
His son and daughter-in-law took a step back. If he had been worried about waking up the house before, he definitely had done it now.
“Dad, you want what’s best for your children and so do we,” Krysten said.
“How does my child being trans affect your children?” Calvin asked.
“They shouldn’t need to know about sex at their age and how do we talk to them about this?”
“Lorelei was a girl that needed some help to become who she is. Boom. Done. Sex doesn’t have to enter into it.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It truly is.”
“We were thinking that for the vacation that Lorelei could stay in a different state room. We don’t mind if she’s on the same cruise as the rest of us. She can just stay in a different stateroom. Or I was thinking that you could pay for a separate cruise for us.”
Calvin stared at her for a long time. He then let out a wheezing laugh. He laughed for a long time. Brian and Krysten stood staring at him. Finally, he slapped his knee and looked at them.
“I think the simplest solution is that you don’t go at all,” Calvin said.
“You’ll really deprive your grandchildren of this memory?” Brian asked.
“I’m not the one doing it. You are. With your intolerance and self righteousness. You could have kept your bigoted opinions to yourself but instead you chose to share them with the world. Here’s a fun idea. Grow up and stop waiting for handouts. 1 Timothy 5:8 ‘but if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied his faith and is worse than a nonbeliever’. You want to go on a cruise. You pay for it. You want them to have those memories, you give it to them. And get the hell out of my house. I’ll call you when I feel like it. Right now, I’m so disgusted with the man that you’ve become.”
The two stood staring at him and then turned around and left. He locked the door behind them. When he saw them pull out and drive down the street, he went upstairs and knocked on his daughter’s door.
“Come in,” she said.
He entered the room and saw his daughter lying on her bed. She was doing something on her laptop.
“Hey kiddo,” he said.
“Hi, dad,” Lorelei said.
“Did you hear all of that?”
“No, I didn’t hear anything. I was listening to music.”
“Lorelei.”
“Yeah, I heard all of it. I was going to come downstairs when you started talking.”
“That wasn’t your fault. I want you to know that.”
“Hm. It would be a lot simpler if you didn’t have to deal with all of this.”
“Eh, my life would also be a lot worse if you weren’t in it so that argument is null and void.”
“Thanks, dad.”
“Do you want to come down for some breakfast?”
“Sure.”
She came downstairs with him and they talked while he worked. His wife came into the room and smiled as she watcheed her husband and daughter interact. She had known from the jump what kind of man he was. A man of faith and kindness. Lorelei had told her first, obvious being her birth mother. She had offered to tell Calvin on Lorelei’s behalf but Lorelei had wanted to do it herself.
It was a morning not that different from this one. She had come into the room and sat down. She had taken several breaths to steady herself.
“Morning, champ,” her father had said.
“Good morning,” Lorelei had replied.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“You look about ready to vomit.”
“I need to talk to you about something.”
“Uh oh. Something happen my handsome little man?”
“Yeah, that’s… that’s kind of the thing.”
“What?”
“I don’t like being called a man.”
Calvin had been unscrewing the top of the orange juice to pour his child a glass. He stopped and looked at Lorelei.
“It makes me upset,” Lorelei continued.
“Why?” Calvin asked. “I’m not trying to talk you out of this, I just want to understand.”
“I’m trans.”
“Okay, okay.”
He poured her a glass of orange juice and handed it to her. She looked at it, confused that that was his reaction. He walked around the kitchen island and kissed her on the top of her head. He hugged her to him and she hugged him back. The tears were starting in her eyes.
“You’re not my handsome son, you’re my beautiful daughter,” he said. “We’ll talk about the steps we’re going to take for your safety but know this, the rest of the world might stand against you but I’m with you. I love you.”
She wiped at her eyes as he let her go. She drank her orange juice.
“Have you thought of a new name? Is that how it works? I’m completely lost. We’ll have many discussions about this,” Calvin said.
“I was thinking that I would go by the name Lorelei,” she said.
Calvin sat up.
“Is it after my late wife?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she said. “You’ve always spoken so highly of her and I always thought it was a beautiful name.”
“You know that’s the first thing I said when I met her.”
From that day until his last day Calvin stood by his daughter. The way a father did without question or hesitation.
Teen Girl Talk: An Interview with Author Ryan La Sala
Cats or Poltergeist
I came across a great number of things out of place this morning. A controller, two remotes and my wireless adapter. Before when I was living alone, I would think that someone was living inside of my house like the woman in this article: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2008/may/31/japan
But the thing is now I know that its cats. I’m sure that they’re doing some dumb shit while I’m gone or asleep. That does make me wonder though how many hauntings go unreported because someone has cats. Of course, according to Joey Comeau of https://asofterworld.com/ there are other reasons:
But anyway, here’s your cat tax of the actual culprits.
Lottery
I haven’t won the lottery so don’t try and kill me for my money. This post is about what I woul do if I won the lottery. Which is that I would go back to school and learn whatever the hell I felt like.
Psychology? Degree in that.
Art? I can fuck around with some paints for a year or two.
Culinary school? Let’s cut onions like we’re Julia Child(It’s the only scene I saw from Julie & Julia).
The thing is I’ve always wanted to be a private eye as well. I figure if I had won the lottery I would have the time to do the 400 hours it takes in NJ to get your private eye license. I had the thought that the degrees would make that job easier. It was then that I realized who I was really becoming:
If you don’t use squeeze ketchup bottles you’re part of the problem
Who still uses the bottles of ketchup where you have to hit the bottom of the bottle to get it out? What is the point of them? If you need a large quantity of ketchup just sell it in jars. This design has never made sense to me. It either doesn’t come out or it comes out in a rush. The squeeze is just so much smarter.
I know that everything in this world is different strokes for different folks, there are still people who love smarties for some unknown reason(It’s certainly not the taste or texture of them). But it just feels so inefficient in general.
Is this what it’s like being a tech bro? Where you constantly look at everything and wonder about how you could improve it without having any actual ideas? Is that what I’ve become?
I just know whenever I see one of these fuckers I’m just like, this is going to be a bad time. I’m going to waste food which is terrible.
While I’m on the subject those fucking influencers who are like I feel like making a bowl of cereal and then empty like two boxes of cereal into a bowl with some milk only to waste it all are even worse than this bottle. I have an exact example of someone doing this but I’d like not to focus that much on people’s pasts if they’re trying to make an effort to change and grow. He did and here’s the proof:
Anyway, if you buy this bottle, please explain why. Because it should be done away with. It’s a waste of everyone’s god damn time.
Franklin Cota, an author and podcaster 