I’ve had this idea for a long time and while I think that American remakes are terrible, I think that this would be fun. For those that don’t know, Attack on Titan is a show where what remains of humanity are locked inside of a group of walls to save them from the Titans, massive naked humanoids that seek to eat them.
Here’s hoping you get swallowed and don’t have to deal with being crunched.
I watched the first season and most of the second but then found out that the main characters become fascists and gave up on it after that. There was a live action movie, which I saw with my friends and it sucked. The thing about these movies is that technology is stuck somewhere in the realm of I want to say revolutionary era America. Guns are single shot and not that useful. Also, titans have to be killed by having the back of their necks sliced open. They do this by using swords and something called ODM gear to swing them around the city while they fight.
That part is sick as hell. So, now that we have all that backstory, what’s the big idea I’ve had? Simple. They should make a remake of this, hype all the big names in it, all the best talent in Hollywood. Show them in the gear.
Then murder all of them immediately.
Jenna Ortega, eaten. Tom Holland, knocked out of the sky and eaten. Brad Pitt, stomped on.
Just a full ten minutes of popular Hollywood actors getting merced to show that no one in the franchise is safe. After that, start the actual movie with a group of unknown actors. Maybe make Inde Navarrette the Mikasa Ackerman substitute. I don’t know.
You have to subvert expectations because the original show does that so well. Especially for…
Click here to reveal spoiler!In the fifth episode of the show, Eren Yeager the protagonist gets eaten by a Titan, the first time he tries to fight.
Anyway, that’s what I would do. But we don’t need anymore live action anime remakes especially because Jordan Peele had the beautiful and talented Keke Palmer perform an Akira slide in Nope and that kind of won for best anime adaption of all time.
We like making movies about assassins because it combines what we all have to do(a job) with the fantasy that we have when we see a zombie movie(to take care of your problems through killing). We use that to tell stories about the human condition. John Wick trying to escape his life of murder only for it to cling and drag him back. The same thing with the Professional. Kill Bill. Okay, so maybe there’s only one real assassination plot. Someone wants to live but their hands are stained with blood and they can’t get away from the things they did.
Well, what if that didn’t happen. What if the two assassins didn’t care and were just kind of happy living their lives as killers? What if they were just lazy slackers when they weren’t killing? And that’s what Baby Assassins is in a nutshell.
Chisato and Mahiro, a pair of assassins, are told by their handler that they need to get part time jobs to make sure that the taxman doesn’t come looking for them. Unfortunately, beyond killing they’re not good at much else. We see Chisato working at a waffle place, she can’t quite get the whipped cream on the waffle as well as she’s supposed to. She puts in it in front of the customer and he states that he doesn’t like whipped cream and gives it to his date. Seeing her hard work cast aside, she screams at him “What the fuck is your problem?!” and slaps him with her tray. The owner comes over and using her bare hands, Chisato breaks her neck. Always with a bright smile on her face after she’s committed the violence.
This becomes the tone for the entire film. There is a subplot where Mahiro doesn’t think that she can fit in with anyone in society so she doesn’t see the point of trying. Chisato manages to succeed at a maid cafe until the subplot pops in. The subplot being a yakuza trying to modernize his operation by welcoming women into the fold. A male and female yakuza member are trying to find out who killed one of their members and guess what it’s the girls. The girls barely acknowledge what’s going on with the yakuza until the end of the movie.
The movie knows what it’s about. It knows that the true heart of the film is the two assassins and sticks with them throughout all of it. Their relationship is actually generally sweet and reminded me a lot of Buddy Daddies minus the child(I would not trust Chisato and Mahiro with a kid). It has good action, it’s interesting and a breath of fresh air where most action stars are giant hulking dudes who are good at everything, you have these two gremlins who are barely functional.
If you’re looking for a chill time, watch it on Tubi or Youtube. I highly recommend it.
Plus the director does a rad thing where he made another film that’s in the same universe called A Janitor and the two women appear as antagonists. But unlike the movie, Ballerina, which did that so that John Wick could show up and tell the protagonist what a good job she’s doing, they just appear to be road blocks for the main character.
Throughout the ages there have always been sexy fox characters. The first in my memory is Robin Hood from Disney’s Robin Hood. If Helen of Troy had a face that launched a thousand ships, this anthropomorphic fox launched a thousand fursuits.
I’m not a furry, but I get it
From there, there has always been a sexy fox character just hanging around. I get why it’s foxes. I mean, one of our synonyms for sexy is foxy. I just don’t fully understand it because this isn’t my thing. Now we’ve kept it going throughout this time. Next one that I can think of is Renamon.
The amount of thirsty fanart for this digimon is through the goddamn roof. I’m trying to think of why this one hit so hard when there are so many other super thirsty designs that you don’t even need to try to make creepy through fanart.
Look at this thirst trap
An honorable mention of course is Lola Bunny from the original Space Jam. This rabbit version of Natalie Dormer came out of nowhere and probably introduced a whole new generation to the world of furries.
Wait a minute… bunny and fox. Oh my God, Disney knows what they were doing.
Could that have been a variable in the creation of this movie? Is it all coincidence? Who could say. But this more mature male fox character does lead me to one of the points of creating this post. The new Star Fox designs. Now, there have been a number of designs for Star Fox from the polygonal in Star Fox 64 to the fresh young man in Smash Bros. Ultimate.
Look at this fresh young man whose ready to hit the clubs. He looks like he drives a Ferrari but it’s not because he’s having a midlife crisis. Just that he’s living life on the edge. Over the weekend, they announced the remake for the Switch 2 and showed the new designs. And the reaction has been mixed.
Okay, I don’t hate it. But a lot of people do and I think I can understand the reason why. Go back to that last picture and look at it. Young looking and fancy free. Ready to do battle in the Smash Bros tournament or whatever the hell they’re doing. This one, seems to be more mature, older. In a word, a daddy. And I think that’s why people don’t like it. As with all things we idolize the young while we disdain the old. I’d give this new Fox a mortgage. I’d demand a co-signer for young Fox’s mortgage application.
The thing is about this Fox McCloud is that he’s a daddy. And as gaming has matured with its audience so has its characters. We’ve gotten so many games about sad dads. It’s time for a sad fox dad.
The Predator movies have always been goofy as fuck. I mean, who could forget this?
That’s dumb in the best way. Now, I’ve seen a lot of people online pointing out how much they hate the new predator movie for the fact that it has comedy and features *gasp* a woman as an actual character! You know what I have to say to that? Those people hate fun. Remember that? Fun? That thing we desperately need more of in this world?
I’m a casual predator fan to be fair. I haven’t read the vast amount of comics where they fight just about everyone in the universe. Especially the multiple times he went up against Archie and didn’t win.
Our plot concerns with the runt rookie predator, Dek, seeing his father kill his brother and swearing revenge. To do so, he has to prove himself and thus arrives on a planet known for its lethality, Genna. There he meets Thia, played by the wonderful Elle Fanning, a bright and cheerful android who has lost her legs. Dek straps her to his back and she spends her time bouncing bright and sunny dialogue off of the misanthropic and brunt Dek. Their interactions are all amazing, you can feel the chemistry despite the CGI. Dek is trying to kill this beast the Kalisk, which is known for its immortality.
I was riveted the entire time. The movie balances the darker parts of Dek watching his brother die with the more comedic moments throughout the rest of the movie. The action sequences are imaginative and fun. The planet feels alive and like it actually works, which is something that most alien worlds don’t. I still remember in the first J. J. Abrams’ Star Trek movie where Kirk lands on an ice planet and gets immediately attacked by two horrible monsters. But then old Spock and him are able to walk across the planet without incident.
Mike and Kevin from Rifftrax summed it up:
Mike: Man, I’m sure glad we didn’t run into any wolf things or horrible bug monsters.
Kevin: Based on how quickly I ran into both of them initially I thought this planet was crawling with them.
Mike: I know right, apparently not.
It also feels like it could be a legitimate threat to the predators.
To sum it up, go check out this movie. It’s super fun and really well made. Everyone is giving it their all and it’s just a good time. I’ll be telling you about Running Man next week.
I went to go see the movie, Sinners and it was phenomenal. Expertly shot, directed, paced and acted. Everyone is bringing their A game in this. This is the spoiler free part of the review, so go see it. Stop reading and go see it.
***SPOILERS***
The opening monologue talks about spirit singers who were able to converse with the voices of the past and future. That this has gone on through a variety of cultures. We then see a young man walking into a church holding a broken guitar neck. His father is preaching and tells him to accept the word of God. It is a harrowing scene and Sammie(Miles Caton) easily sells how broken and desperate he is.
We flashback to a day before and we see that our primary focus is going to be three men, a pair of twin brothers who are veterans and gangsters by the name of Smoke and Stack(played by Michael B. Jordan). They’re returning to their hometown to open up a juke joint for the local population based out of an abandoned saw mill owned by a racist white man. They know that Sammie is a whiz on a guitar and recruit him first. From there, we see the two brothers’ reputation both personal and professional. A pair of young men try to rob their truck. Smoke shoots both of them non-lethally to make sure that people know what happens when you try and rob the brothers. They hire a pianist named Delta Slim(Delroy Lindo) and Sammie becomes infatuated with a singer named Pearline(Jayme Lawson) who he invites to the juke joint’s opening night.
The personal is that Stack had abandoned a young woman named Mary(played by Hailee Steinfeld) who passes for white. This leads to a lot of possibly dangerous scenarios when she oversteps the boundaries of normal race relations. She is none too happy with him. Smoke on the other hand, visits his estranged wife. They have a confrontation over his departure and how they both still love each other. Annie(Wunmi Mosaku) is a practitioner of Hoodoo and herbalism. She’s signed on as a cook for the juke joint. The lesser lights are Bo and Grace Chow(Yao and Li Jun Li respectively) who are suppliers for the joint and run the gambling tables and Cornbread(Omar Miller) to act as a bouncer.
From there, the movie kicks it into high gear. We see our villain, Remmick(Jack O’Connell) arrive at the house of a pair of KKK members being pursued by some Choctaw vampire hunters. He turns the couple after they rid him of his pursuers.
Our board is set and if you know anything about history, you know that black people in the south aren’t safe. There is always violence or the threat of violence. We got that in the beginning of the day when Smoke and Stack bought the saw mill. The racist white man they bought the saw mill from was clearly awful. We’ll get back to him soon.
The party looks like it’s rocking. We got a career defining long take shot of Sammie’s performance as he summons the spirits of past, present and future. Music is life and it fills the saw mill with it.
However, vampires feed off and destroy life and that draws Remmick and his cohorts in. They begin to turn the crowd in drips and drabs and then a flood leading only a few patrons left to defend the bar. The movie at this point feels like we’re seeing a thunderstorm flowing in. When the lightning hits, it fucking hits. The battle is bloody and brutal. But you feel some kind of relaxation at finally getting into it. It’s almost a relief.
In the end, there are only about four survivors, Mary and Stack both turned into vampires and Smoke and Sammie. Smoke sends Sammie away because he learned from Remmick that the Klan is coming to kill all of them. We’re brought to the beginning of the movie and Sammie flees the church as much as he fled the vampires.
Smoke kills the entirety of the Klan easily but one of those assholes gets off a lucky shot and mortally wounds our hero. The audience cheered at this part of the movie and this is how I believe every movie should end.
I was light with the details because I want anyone to read this to go and make their own decisions about it. What you’re getting if you watch this film is a skilled hand in Coogler directing a cast that is bursting with talent. There are few movies I’ve ever seen where it feels like nothing was excessive. Where it felt so airtight and effortless. Go see this as soon as you can.
Franklin Cota, an author and podcaster 