Author Archives: Franklin Cota
Pokemon Can Kill You In Many Ways
I love the Pokemon franchise greatly. But I have always had a problem with the fact that they send ten year olds out to catch these little monsters. I’ve gone on at length that I doubt many of these kids come back. In fact, the lore says that many of them don’t come back.

But then I was thinking that you don’t even need to leave your home to get killed by your pokemon. They don’t even have to mean it. I mean that mostly through friendship evolutions and not the terrible murderer that is Bewear.

Before I get to my point about friendship evolutions let me show you the pokedex entries about Bewear.

Read those entries. You catch one of these soulless monsters and it comes in to give you a hug. You’re feeling pressure on your arms and back and suddenly snap. You can’t move anymore and you feel your soul leaving your body. If you’re lucky, it won’t eat you though at that moment it won’t matter because you’ve been crushed by this monstrous bear. Gotta catch ’em all.
The thing about friendship evolution is unlike other forms of evolution, it can happen at any time. So, say you take a nap with your friend like I would with my cats on the bed. In fact, that’s where we’ll start. You take a nap with your lovable meowth.

Maybe he looks at you as you fall asleep and thinks about how much he loves you and friendship evolves into Persian.

And gains sixty pounds. That would make sleeping so uncomfortable. But it’s not deadly. For that, you would need to fall asleep with Munchlax.

Very cute, a bit heavier at 231 pounds. That’s just the size of a person. Now say the same thing happens and he friendship evolves into Snorlax.

You’re not coming back from that because he weighs over 1000 pounds. He would crush you without skipping a beat. It would at least be peaceful. You would go quietly into that good night. Possibly unless you woke up as you feel his body crushing you.
I might make this a series about all the ways you can die in the Pokemon world. There are so many.
Got Those Tuesday Blues
This might be a low effort post but I just love this jam.
Oh, That’s Why I Like Skyrim So Much
Over the course of this week, I realized I’m at my best when I have my tasks on a list. I started a daily checklist of things that I need to do that include such scintillating entries as “Scoop cat boxes”, “drink beet juice” and “continue my work into establishing a dimensional space tunnel that will bring me back to my true love on ixion-6. Wait for me *(&^(^(& I will come back to you. I know that we don’t speak the same language and that you communicate through a series of tonal harmonies but some things go beyond that. Truly yours is a butt that just won’t quit. I’m pretty sure that part of you is a butt”. You know, normal stuff like that.
There’s something satisfying about going down a list and seeing things being done. I do it for my shopping, my cleaning and just about everything else. Maybe I have some undiagnosed issue that no therapist has been able to nail down in me yet. Or maybe I just have a mind that’s more structured for organization. Either way, this revelation helped me realize what’s at the heart of my love for the long running Bethesda RPG, Skyrim. Given its full flowers, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

Skyrim breaks up every quest into a to-do list. It’s go here, do this thing and go home. It’s nice and simple. Sometimes I like to figure out where I’m going next. Most of the time, I just want to be told. In between quests, wander around and fuck up some dragons. It’s a perfect game.
It also has me using mods so that my character can hang out with Sonic and Jesus. Living my best life.
Share a Drink Like Old Friends

Heather didn’t need to look through the menu. She had come here enough to know what she wanted. The bartender knew her, giving her a nod as she sat down in a booth. The waitress brought her drink over and Heather started waiting. The bar was mostly empty. It was early and would probably get rowdy later. She was a parent though so she liked to get things done and get home to her daughter as soon as possible.
“I knew that you’d be early,” a voice said she was running her finger along the ring of her cosmopolitan.
She looked up and saw her ex-husband standing in front of her. She was reminded as she always was, how handsome he was and had been. He was wearing a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, a pair of nice jeans. His hair was neat and beard trim. He wasn’t sure to sit down yet or not. She slid out of the booth and hugged him. He noted that she had lost weight. Maybe that was him, the dead weight, the albatross around her neck.
The hug lasted a bit longer than friends. She squeezed him tight and then let him go. She sat down and he did as well. The waitress came in and he ordered a beer. She was looking at him from across the table. Her wide, protuberant eyes were drilling into him. Her hair was shorter than when they were together, coming to about her chin. She looked good.
“Thank you for offering to meet,” he said to her. “And thank you for what you said to Krissy.”
“She didn’t mean any of that, John,” Heather replied. “She just… she’s having a hard time understanding this.”
“I know.”
He hung his head. He tapped his finger on the table.
“How are you doing with this?” John asked.
“I mean, I was hurt when it happened but… that was a year ago at this point. I think I’m coming to terms with it,” Heather answered. “When you came out to me, I said some things that I shouldn’t have. I was not kind to what you were going through.”
“You don’t have to apologize for that,” John said. “I know it must have been hard to hear. I’m sorry for wasting your time.”
“Don’t,” she snapped at him. “Don’t you fucking dare dismiss what we had that way.”
He looked at her. The slap of her words felt almost physical.
“I don’t feel it was a waste. We had ten really good years and we got Krissy out of it. I love you, John. I still do. I know that we can’t be together but that fact isn’t going to change,” Heather continued.
“I love you too,” John said struggling to keep his voice even.
“That’s why I wanted to reach out to you. Because when I talked to her about yelling at you, saying that she hated you, it was like confronting a tiny version of the feelings that I had for you. I told her that it wasn’t your fault, that this is just what happens sometimes, people fall out of love with one another and they figure out who they are.”
Heather took a sip of her drink.
“Because even if we still have things to work out between us, I don’t want you to be sad, I don’t want you to lose your daughter who despite what she was saying, loves you more than anything in this world,” Heather said and took a deep breath. “I want us to be a family and that’s going to look a little different. You, Krissy, me and whatever handsome man you happen to be dating.”
John smiled and took a swig of his beer.
“I think I’m going to stick with Barry for a while,” John said. “I really care for him.”
“He seems like a great guy,” Heather said with a smile. “I think that he’s going to be really good to have in Krissy’s life. She told me about him helping her with her pitching.”
“I’m glad we have at least one jock to help her learn.”
“Not our thing.”
“Never was.”
They shared a laugh.
“How’re you doing?” John asked her.
“I got back on the dating apps and I have a bevy of twenty-year old men looking to blow my back out,” Heather said. “I’m going to be just fine. I just don’t care, right now. It’s fun once in a while but I’m not really looking to date seriously.”
“That’s fine. If you ever want to drop Krissy off while you go on a date, feel free. We’re always happy to see her.”
“Thanks. The thing is, you know what? I really just miss my best friend.”
Her eyes were crinkling with tears. John took a wet breath.
“Yeah, I do too,” he said.
“Do you think we can get back to that?” Heather asked him.
“I would love to.”
“Any gossip from your office?”
He let out a laugh.
“If we’re going to get into that,” he said. “We need some food and more drinks. On me, of course.”
They beckoned the waitress over and the two of them ordered. They spent the next few hours laughing and enjoying themselves. They went back to their homes feeling better about the world, about themselves and each other.
One of the Craziest Moments on Taskmaster With an Insane Backstory
Continuing to talk about Taskmaster this week, I want to bring up one of the best moments in the show’s history. For those that don’t know about this show, it involves five comedians that are forced to do a variety of tasks to earn points. The first task of every show is called the prize task where the contestants bring in an item that fits a description and are awarded points based on how close they get it. The judge for this is Greg Davies.
Enter Rhod Gilbert who spends most of the prize tasks trying to embarrass his old friend, Greg. Usually by bringing in a picture of him looking fat or something else equally damning. For this prize task, they were told to bring in a picture of themselves wearing a fez.
Rhod presents his picture and this is what he normally looks like:

This is the picture he presented:

That is Greg Davies’ mother. These two have known each other at the time of this photo for about fifteen years. I would like you to imagine going up to your friend’s mom, asking her to take a picture of her in the bath, having her make the bath and getting settled so that all her bits are covered by bubbles and then coming in to take this picture. Maybe it was taken by her partner, I don’t know, they don’t get into it. But still the hilarity of that process is not lost on me. Other fun fact, she was in the audience when this was shown. If you watched the linked video, it’s the first bit of it.
It’s moments like this that make me fucking love Taskmaster with my whole heart.
Teen Girl Talk: A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder Season 2 Episodes 4-6
Taskmaster and Pirates

I think that this is totally right. It makes sense because when you’re on the high seas, you need every person to fully wreck shit. Why should someone be sidelined just because something terrible happened to them? No reason at all.
The thing is that Taskmaster has taken the same path with their contestants. The only thing you have to do is be funny. Age, race, sexuality they don’t matter to the producers. Are you able to do a task in a remarkably unique and stupid way? Then come on in! And I absolutely love that about it. I hope that they keep it up forever. If you haven’t seen it before, here’s one of my favorite clips, which is the team trying to pop a balloon with a number of objects.
The work of love
There’s a line from the book “Love is a Mixtape” by Rob Sheffield where he states that “The work of love will leave you bloody and it will leave you sad”. I was thinking about that as I cleaned out my cats’ litter boxes today, which seems to be such a mundane job for a quote so profound.
It originally comes from a story where the author is trying to clip his father’s toenails in the later stages of his life. Because of that context, I always thought about it in the context of helping others especially my own father when he was living with dementia.
It’s only today that I thought about it in the context of myself. I have to go to the doctor today to find out about my calcium score from my cardiologist. I’m hoping for a good score and that I can worry less about my heart health. But it might be worse and I’m going to have to change aspects of my life even further.
But I’ll know. It’ll make me sad if it’s bad but I’ll know then and I can do what needs to be done. When you get up and do the daily work of living it can be hard. But it’s a form of love that you show yourself. When you eat something healthy, clean yourself or your living area.
Self care isn’t just a spa weekend. It’s the daily maintenance to show you that you love you.
Connections

Charlie had a window in his office. He noticed the snow falling and thought that he would give it an hour and see if it stopped. By the three hour mark, it still hadn’t. He was a small man, bald and potbellied. He rose out of his chair and into the small hallway of his office into the main area of his store.
His store was fragrant and beautiful. It sold scented candles of all kind. The walls were a light pink and the carpet was a deep blue. Gentle music was playing over the speakers. There was artwork made by his wife and children on the wall, framed of course. His two employees, Riley and Caroline, didn’t stop working.
“Riley, Caroline,” he said and they turned their heads to look at him. “I don’t want to drive home in this shit and if I don’t want to do it, I don’t feel like you should have to do it either. Go home for the day. You’ll get paid for the rest of the day.”
“Thanks, boss,” Riley said.
“I don’t drive in,” Caroline said.
“Well, you deserve a day off either way. Get out of here,” Charlie said. “I’ll close up. Riley, I’m sorry that I didn’t do this earlier. You have much farther than I have to go.”
“Don’t worry about it, boss.”
“Get going and I would appreciate a text that you got home safe.”
“Will do, boss.”
“You can call me, Charlie.”
“You got it, boss.”
Charlie rolled his eyes and went to the cash register to start cashing it out. Riley and Caroline went into the employee area and gathered their things. They walked out into the parking lot of the strip mall. Caroline helped him clean off his car and then Charlie’s.
“Do you need a ride home?” Riley asked Caroline.
“I’m good,” Caroline said. “Safe travels.”
Riley gave her a two finger salute and got into his car. He pulled out slowly as Charlie came through the door. Charlie waved at him and got into his car. Riley started home going slowly. It normally took him about thirty minutes on the back roads but this would be probably around forty to fifty. But as his father always said, go slow in snow, get home in one go. He thought that his dad was really trying to push for that rhyme.
Thinking about his dad’s words made him think about Charlie. His dad liked Charlie and told him to respect the man. Riley did respect him and it was the reason that he called him boss. He was the boss. He was a man of honor and dignity. He stood up for his employees when the shittier customers gave them the stick.
His wife was beautiful, tall and willowy. She had modeled in her youth and had only stopped when she found something else that interested in her. One of Riley’s coworkers had decided to make a pass at her because he thought that he was God’s gift to women. Charlie’s wife laughed in his face. She called her husband and told him what had happened. Charlie had laughed as well. They kept laughing until the coworker quit in tears.
The store was a pet project of Charlie who three loves in his lives. His wife and children and in a far second, candles. He made most of them himself. It’s what kept bringing people back. He paid Riley enough that he didn’t need a second job. He gave them health insurance. At times he felt like he was wasting his life but why break up a good thing?
The areas outside of the strip mall was mostly farmland. He kept driving, watching horses wander back into their stable. There was no one on the road. It was only eleven a.m. He thought about the people in their office buildings that stupidly didn’t work for Charlie. The roads were already starting to get bad. It would be miserable later that night.
He got to an intersection with a four way stop. A man was walking down the street and came to the stop sign. Riley figured that he could let the man go. It was worse walking through this than driving. He thought that up until the man slip and fell. It was a particularly nasty fall, the man was on his legs and then they went to their left and he hit the ground.
The man got up but then fell once more. He then just kind of laid down. Riley thought driving away but then he wondered when someone would come along. He thought about it for a few seconds and then put his car in park.
He went to the man.
“Hello there,” he said. “Do you need some help?”
“I’m fine, my arm just hurts a little bit,” the man said.
“Can I help you up?”
“I’m fine.”
“Please, sir.”
The man relented and Riley helped him to his feet. The two of them walked over to Riley’s car. The man pulled back his hood. He was old with a well kept beard and whitening hair. He was wearing a large windbreaker coat.
“Thank you,” the man said.
“No problem,” Riley said. “The name’s Riley. What’s yours?”
“Morgan.”
“Good to meet you, Morgan. Can I take you somewhere to get checked out?”
“I’m fine.”
“You said your arm hurt and not to be a little ageist, you’re older. I’m worrying you…”
“I’m not having a heart attack. I had one of those and I know it’s not that.”
“Sir, please. The urgent care is just up the road and I’ll take you home.”
“Fine.”
The two of them drove into the snow. They got to the other strip mall and Riley helped Morgan out of the car. He shook him off but was still holding his arm. The urgent care was thankfully open. A young Indian woman in scrubs was sitting at the front desk.
“Wow, I was just about to leave. That is providence,” she said. “How can I help you?”
“This man is having arm pains and he fell out in the snow,” Riley said.
“Are you…”
“I’m not having a heart attack!” Morgan growled.
“Fine, fine. Come in the back, let me check you out. Would you like your son to come with you?” the doctor asked.
“He’s not my son,” Morgan said.
“Just a good Samaritan,” Riley added.
“Let’s get you checked out, I’m doctor Indara Patel.”
“You can go, Riley,” Morgan said.
“I’ll wait. Gotta make sure you get home or I’ll worry,” Riley said flopping into a chair.
Riley pulled out his phone and texted his boyfriend. It was starting to get serious but he still hadn’t met his family. His name was Keith and he was really getting into with him.
Riley: Hey, I think that we should cancel tonight. The snow is really bad.
Keith: Yeah, I think that’s best.
Riley walked back out to his car and got a book from his bag. He started reading and made it through a fair amount of his book before Morgan came out wearing a sling. He seemed unhappy.
“His arm is broken, I’ve given him some pain medication and an order to take it easy,” Dr. Patel said to Riley.
“Got it,” Riley said as if that meant anything to him.
“Thank you, miss,” Morgan said sincerely.
“No problem. I can close up shop with a sound heart,” she said. “You boys get home safe.”
Riley lead Morgan out to the car and opened the door for him. He asked Morgan his address and Morgan told him. He noticed that Morgan stopped and looked at the pride bumper sticker on the back of his car and hesitated for a moment. He climbed in and Riley started putting the address into his GPS.
“Do you have a charging cable? My phone’s dead. I have to let my son know what’s going on,” Morgan said.
“Yeah, here,” Riley said and handed it to him.
“Thanks.”
They drove in silence for about three blocks.
“I know what that sticker on the back of your car means,” Morgan said.
“Oh, do you want me to let you out?” Riley asked.
“No, it’s fine. My son’s gay.”
“And you’re cool with it?”
“I don’t fully get it but I don’t have to. He’s happy and I love him. I call that a win.”
“That’s pretty good.”
“How did your parents take it?”
“My dad gave my mom a twenty when I came out. They were accepting after that.”
“Ha, he sounds fun.”
“Hm.”
They lapsed into silence.
“My son brought me to one of those parades one year. Told me to wear a ‘Free Dad Hugs’ shirts. So many of them came up to me. They wept. They cried in my arms. I’ve never been more furious in my life. What poor excuse for a parent lets their child think they don’t care about them? For that? Idiots,” Morgan said.
“Testify,” Riley added.
“My son’s mother didn’t accept him. It was the one thing bad about her. I still miss her. I wish she could have gotten around it. She missed a lot of good times with him.”
“Hm.”
“Are you seeing anyone?”
“Oh, yeah, I’m dating a great guy.”
“Good. You’re a good person, helping someone you don’t know.”
“I couldn’t leave you. It’d be horrible. I’d be like one of those parents.”
“Exactly.”
Riley drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and then told Siri to play some Johnny Cash. Morgan nodded approvingly.
“My phone has a bit of a charge, I’m going to call my son,” Morgan said.
“Go ahead,” Riley said.
Morgan put the phone to his ear. The son on the other end picked up immediately. Riley only heard one side of the conversation and it went like this:
“Hello? Yeah, I’m fine. I just had a bit of a slip. My arm is busted. I’ll be fine. I was out walking. A nice young man picked me up. Took me to the urgent care. Nice doctor. Said she ask for his number but turns out he’s gay. Yeah, yeah. He’s going to take me home. Should be about thirty minutes. You don’t have to do that. I can manage. Fine. I’ll see you in a bit. I love you. See you soon.”
He hung up the phone.
“My son is going to meet us at my house,” Morgan said.
“Good, I’ll know when he gets near. Using my gaydar. We don’t tell you that’s what it’s actually for. Identifying when we’re near to each other. Straight people don’t actually have it,” Riley said.
Morgan let out a coughing laugh. Riley noticed his phone was buzzing. He saw it was Keith. He answered it on speaker phone.
“Hello?” Riley asked.
“Hey!” Keith said.
Morgan looked down at the phone.
“My dad fell when he was out walking, I’m heading over to his house. He broke his arm,” Keith gasped.
“That sucks,” Riley said.
“Yeah, some guy is driving him home. I’d kiss him, if I wasn’t already dating you,” Keith said.
Riley glanced at Morgan, a smile spreading across his face.
“I mean, you can kiss him if you want. He’s doing something really nice,” Riley said chuckling a little bit.
“He is,” Keith said. “Why did he need to go for a walk! I would have brought him anything he needed. Ugh, I love him but he’s so stubborn sometimes.”
Morgan looked at the phone and raised an eyebrow. Riley realized that he was walking a tightrope walk.
“Let’s not be too harsh on him. Everything you told me about him shows that he’s a good guy,” Riley said quickly.
“He is, he’s the best man I know. He’s my hero. He just needs to know that sometimes he shouldn’t go out in a blizzard,” Keith said.
Morgan nodded his head back and forth seemingly agreeing.
“You know you never told me your dad’s name. What is it?” Riley said.
“Morgan,” Keith said.
“Cool name.”
“It is. Alright, I have to pay attention to the road. I’ll see you later. I might have to stay over his house a few times to make sure that he’s okay.”
“Hey, do what you have to do. No worries on my end.”
“Okay great. I’ll see you when I can.”
“See you.”
Keith hung up and Morgan and Riley started laughing.
“I thought I wasn’t going to make it through that,” Morgan said wiping at his eyes.
“That was so funny,” Riley said.
They came to a stop at a stoplight. Morgan turned in his seat.
“Nice to meet you,” he said and offered his hand.
“An absolute pleasure to meet you, sir,” Riley said.
“Call me Morgan.”
“Now that you’ve asked, I will.”
“Do you want to stay at my house when Keith gets there?”
“That would be great. How funny would it be if when he comes through the door, I just come out of the kitchen or something.”
“That’d be great.”
They got to Morgan’s house and Riley helped him into the house. The two of them sat playing chess and drinking cocoa while they waited. Morgan was much friendlier now and was sharing stories about Keith. It was timing perfection where Riley was getting them more cocoa and he heard the door open.
The look on Keith’s face when he walked into the living room with three cups of cocoa was one that Riley would hold onto for the rest of his life. During their wedding years later, Morgan would tell this story again with tears in his eyes. He would toast the man that was a stranger and now he called son.