Tag Archives: fiction

Connections

Charlie had a window in his office.  He noticed the snow falling and thought that he would give it an hour and see if it stopped.  By the three hour mark, it still hadn’t.  He was a small man, bald and potbellied.  He rose out of his chair and into the small hallway of his office into the main area of his store.  

His store was fragrant and beautiful.  It sold scented candles of all kind.  The walls were a light pink and the carpet was a deep blue.  Gentle music was playing over the speakers.  There was artwork made by his wife and children on the wall, framed of course.  His two employees, Riley and Caroline, didn’t stop working.    

“Riley, Caroline,” he said and they turned their heads to look at him.  “I don’t want to drive home in this shit and if I don’t want to do it, I don’t feel like you should have to do it either.  Go home for the day.  You’ll get paid for the rest of the day.”

“Thanks, boss,” Riley said.

“I don’t drive in,” Caroline said. 

“Well, you deserve a day off either way.  Get out of here,” Charlie said.  “I’ll close up.  Riley, I’m sorry that I didn’t do this earlier.  You have much farther than I have to go.”

“Don’t worry about it, boss.”

“Get going and I would appreciate a text that you got home safe.”

“Will do, boss.”

“You can call me, Charlie.”

“You got it, boss.”

Charlie rolled his eyes and went to the cash register to start cashing it out.  Riley and Caroline went into the employee area and gathered their things.  They walked out into the parking lot of the strip mall.  Caroline helped him clean off his car and then Charlie’s.  

“Do you need a ride home?” Riley asked Caroline.

“I’m good,” Caroline said.  “Safe travels.”

Riley gave her a two finger salute and got into his car.  He pulled out slowly as Charlie came through the door.  Charlie waved at him and got into his car.  Riley started home going slowly.  It normally took him about thirty minutes on the back roads but this would be probably around forty to fifty.  But as his father always said, go slow in snow, get home in one go.  He thought that his dad was really trying to push for that rhyme.  

Thinking about his dad’s words made him think about Charlie.  His dad liked Charlie and told him to respect the man.  Riley did respect him and it was the reason that he called him boss.  He was the boss.  He was a man of honor and dignity.  He stood up for his employees when the shittier customers gave them the stick.  

His wife was beautiful, tall and willowy.  She had modeled in her youth and had only stopped when she found something else that interested in her.  One of Riley’s coworkers had decided to make a pass at her because he thought that he was God’s gift to women.  Charlie’s wife laughed in his face.  She called her husband and told him what had happened.  Charlie had laughed as well.  They kept laughing until the coworker quit in tears.  

The store was a pet project of Charlie who three loves in his lives.  His wife and children and in a far second, candles.  He made most of them himself.  It’s what kept bringing people back.  He paid Riley enough that he didn’t need a second job.  He gave them health insurance.  At times he felt like he was wasting his life but why break up a good thing?  

The areas outside of the strip mall was mostly farmland.  He kept driving, watching horses wander back into their stable.  There was no one on the road.  It was only eleven a.m.  He thought about the people in their office buildings that stupidly didn’t work for Charlie.  The roads were already starting to get bad.  It would be miserable later that night.   

He got to an intersection with a four way stop.  A man was walking down the street and came to the stop sign.  Riley figured that he could let the man go.  It was worse walking through this than driving.  He thought that up until the man slip and fell.  It was a particularly nasty fall, the man was on his legs and then they went to their left and he hit the ground.  

The man got up but then fell once more.  He then just kind of laid down.  Riley thought driving away but then he wondered when someone would come along.  He thought about it for a few seconds and then put his car in park.

He went to the man.  

“Hello there,” he said.  “Do you need some help?”

“I’m fine, my arm just hurts a little bit,” the man said.

“Can I help you up?”

“I’m fine.”

“Please, sir.”

The man relented and Riley helped him to his feet.  The two of them walked over to Riley’s car.  The man pulled back his hood.  He was old with a well kept beard and whitening hair.  He was wearing a large windbreaker coat.  

“Thank you,” the man said.

“No problem,” Riley said.  “The name’s Riley.  What’s yours?”

“Morgan.”

“Good to meet you, Morgan.  Can I take you somewhere to get checked out?”

“I’m fine.”

“You said your arm hurt and not to be a little ageist, you’re older.  I’m worrying you…”
“I’m not having a heart attack.  I had one of those and I know it’s not that.”

“Sir, please.  The urgent care is just up the road and I’ll take you home.”

“Fine.”

The two of them drove into the snow.  They got to the other strip mall and Riley helped Morgan out of the car.  He shook him off but was still holding his arm.  The urgent care was thankfully open.  A young Indian woman in scrubs was sitting at the front desk.

“Wow, I was just about to leave.  That is providence,” she said.  “How can I help you?”

“This man is having arm pains and he fell out in the snow,” Riley said.

“Are you…” 

“I’m not having a heart attack!” Morgan growled.  

“Fine, fine.  Come in the back, let me check you out.  Would you like your son to come with you?” the doctor asked. 

“He’s not my son,” Morgan said.

“Just a good Samaritan,” Riley added.

“Let’s get you checked out, I’m doctor Indara Patel.”

“You can go, Riley,” Morgan said.  

“I’ll wait.  Gotta make sure you get home or I’ll worry,” Riley said flopping into a chair.  

Riley pulled out his phone and texted his boyfriend.  It was starting to get serious but he still hadn’t met his family.  His name was Keith and he was really getting into with him.  

Riley: Hey, I think that we should cancel tonight.  The snow is really bad.  

Keith: Yeah, I think that’s best.

Riley walked back out to his car and got a book from his bag.  He started reading and made it through a fair amount of his book before Morgan came out wearing a sling.  He seemed unhappy.  

“His arm is broken, I’ve given him some pain medication and an order to take it easy,” Dr. Patel said to Riley.  

“Got it,” Riley said as if that meant anything to him.

“Thank you, miss,” Morgan said sincerely.

“No problem.  I can close up shop with a sound heart,” she said.  “You boys get home safe.”

Riley lead Morgan out to the car and opened the door for him.  He asked Morgan his address and Morgan told him.  He noticed that Morgan stopped and looked at the pride bumper sticker on the back of his car and hesitated for a moment.  He climbed in and Riley started putting the address into his GPS.  

“Do you have a charging cable?  My phone’s dead.  I have to let my son know what’s going on,” Morgan said. 

“Yeah, here,” Riley said and handed it to him.

“Thanks.”

They drove in silence for about three blocks. 

“I know what that sticker on the back of your car means,” Morgan said.

“Oh, do you want me to let you out?” Riley asked.

“No, it’s fine.  My son’s gay.”

“And you’re cool with it?”

“I don’t fully get it but I don’t have to.  He’s happy and I love him.  I call that a win.”

“That’s pretty good.”

“How did your parents take it?”

“My dad gave my mom a twenty when I came out.  They were accepting after that.”

“Ha, he sounds fun.”

“Hm.”

They lapsed into silence.  

“My son brought me to one of those parades one year.  Told me to wear a ‘Free Dad Hugs’ shirts.  So many of them came up to me.  They wept.  They cried in my arms.  I’ve never been more furious in my life.  What poor excuse for a parent lets their child think they don’t care about them?  For that?  Idiots,” Morgan said.  

“Testify,” Riley added.

“My son’s mother didn’t accept him.  It was the one thing bad about her.  I still miss her.  I wish she could have gotten around it.  She missed a lot of good times with him.”

“Hm.”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m dating a great guy.”

“Good.  You’re a good person, helping someone you don’t know.”

“I couldn’t leave you.  It’d be horrible.  I’d be like one of those parents.”

“Exactly.”

Riley drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and then told Siri to play some Johnny Cash.  Morgan nodded approvingly.  

“My phone has a bit of a charge, I’m going to call my son,” Morgan said.

“Go ahead,” Riley said.

Morgan put the phone to his ear.  The son on the other end picked up immediately.  Riley only heard one side of the conversation and it went like this: 

“Hello?  Yeah, I’m fine.  I just had a bit of a slip.  My arm is busted.  I’ll be fine.  I was out walking.  A nice young man picked me up.  Took me to the urgent care.  Nice doctor.  Said she ask for his number but turns out he’s gay.  Yeah, yeah.  He’s going to take me home.  Should be about thirty minutes.  You don’t have to do that.  I can manage.  Fine.  I’ll see you in a bit.  I love you.  See you soon.”

He hung up the phone. 

“My son is going to meet us at my house,” Morgan said.  

“Good, I’ll know when he gets near.  Using my gaydar.  We don’t tell you that’s what it’s actually for.  Identifying when we’re near to each other.  Straight people don’t actually have it,” Riley said.

Morgan let out a coughing laugh.  Riley noticed his phone was buzzing.  He saw it was Keith.  He answered it on speaker phone.  

“Hello?” Riley asked.  

“Hey!” Keith said. 
    Morgan looked down at the phone. 

“My dad fell when he was out walking, I’m heading over to his house.  He broke his arm,” Keith gasped.

“That sucks,” Riley said.

“Yeah, some guy is driving him home.  I’d kiss him, if I wasn’t already dating you,” Keith said.  

Riley glanced at Morgan, a smile spreading across his face.  

“I mean, you can kiss him if you want.  He’s doing something really nice,” Riley said chuckling a little bit.  

“He is,” Keith said.  “Why did he need to go for a walk!  I would have brought him anything he needed.  Ugh, I love him but he’s so stubborn sometimes.”

Morgan looked at the phone and raised an eyebrow.  Riley realized that he was walking a tightrope walk.  

“Let’s not be too harsh on him.  Everything you told me about him shows that he’s a good guy,” Riley said quickly.  

“He is, he’s the best man I know.  He’s my hero.  He just needs to know that sometimes he shouldn’t go out in a blizzard,” Keith said.

Morgan nodded his head back and forth seemingly agreeing.  

“You know you never told me your dad’s name.  What is it?” Riley said.

“Morgan,” Keith said.

“Cool name.”

“It is.  Alright, I have to pay attention to the road.  I’ll see you later. I might have to stay over his house a few times to make sure that he’s okay.”

“Hey, do what you have to do.  No worries on my end.”

“Okay great.  I’ll see you when I can.”

“See you.”

Keith hung up and Morgan and Riley started laughing.  

“I thought I wasn’t going to make it through that,” Morgan said wiping at his eyes.  

“That was so funny,” Riley said.  

They came to a stop at a stoplight.  Morgan turned in his seat.  

“Nice to meet you,” he said and offered his hand.

“An absolute pleasure to meet you, sir,” Riley said.

“Call me Morgan.”

“Now that you’ve asked, I will.”

“Do you want to stay at my house when Keith gets there?”

“That would be great.  How funny would it be if when he comes through the door, I just come out of the kitchen or something.”

“That’d be great.”

They got to Morgan’s house and Riley helped him into the house.  The two of them sat playing chess and drinking cocoa while they waited.  Morgan was much friendlier now and was sharing stories about Keith.  It was timing perfection where Riley was getting them more cocoa and he heard the door open.  

The look on Keith’s face when he walked into the living room with three cups of cocoa was one that Riley would hold onto for the rest of his life.  During their wedding years later, Morgan would tell this story again with tears in his eyes.  He would toast the man that was a stranger and now he called son.  

A Moment in the Life of Fred Durst

(I wrote this because I was listening to the Mom Can’t Cook episode about Lemonade Mouth where the bad guy is a rap rocker. I listened to Break Stuff and it is a really good song for what it is. This idea just popped into my head. I actually have a great deal of respect for the man. Him showing up in I Saw the TV Glow, a deeply trans film and Y2K where he good-naturedly made fun of himself. I think that he might be an alright dude.)

He didn’t have to look around to find his trusted red baseball cap. It was always within arms’ reach and of course, he could easily summon it to his hand through the deep magic of nu metal. He could not show people that though, lest he be stripped of his powers by the nu metal mages that taught him his dark craft. But now was the time to write. Now was the time to express himself.

He sat down at his desk. He tapped his pencil against the desk, it’s point ready to be dulled through his art. He looked at his notebook. What would he bring into the being? What would he draw from the fabric of creation?

He decided that he had to speak to the people. To the everyman. What was one of the most universal things to say to somebody else? He thought for a few moments and nodded to himself.

“Did you ever have one of those days?”

There it was. A cordial phrase. One that you would say to a friend. Someone you loved. They would know that you’re going to talk about a shared experience. What else did people not want? Sometimes you…

“Did you ever have one of those days? Where you didn’t want to wake up.”

Yes, yes, YES. He was describing a bad day. Everyone had had bad days. Of course, he was far richer so his bad days were much better than others. Much easier. But he could still relate to the people. He needed to describe the people that you encountered.

“Everything is fucked. Everybody sucks.”

Beautiful. He was a wordsmith. He had to keep going.

“You don’t really know why.”

Excellent. Time to express the anger. Truly express it.

“But you really want to justify ripping someone’s off.”

What if he was an assassin? One that you didn’t want to make angry?

“No human contact. And if you interact, your life is on contract.”

His pencil was nearly on fire. He kept writing. When he was done, the eraser remained untouched because why would you need to erase any of it? He had had his pencil wore near down to the nub. But he looked upon his song, “Break Stuff”. This certainly wouldn’t come back to bite him in the year 1999.

The Genius of the Power is Power scene

A bit of a primer for this scene is that Petyr Baelish is trying to play the Lannisters, here represented by Cersei. He mentions the fact that Cersei is sleeping with her twin brother, Jaime and that he can use that knowledge to harm them. Thus, him telling her that knowledge is power. What follows is Cersei demonstrating that it’s hard to tell people what you know when a guard cuts your throat.

My God, the writing was strong back in the early seasons. But of course those are just words on a page. You need talent to bring them to life. Aiden Gillan brings slimy heat to Petyr but of course, it’s Lena Headey that’s the MVP of this scene. She moves from overwhelmingly powerful to flippantly violent. The way she laughs as she says “I’ve changed my mind”. She then instructs her guards to close their eyes.

Maybe it’s the tone of her voice or just everything we’ve just seen, but we know that they’ve closed those eyes without having to take away from them being random faceless guards. I don’t remember if this scene is in the books but if it was, I would have something in there about Petyr knowing that the guards had obeyed her without having to see their faces.

It’s not just the absolute loyalty that the guards have whether through fear or pay, but the pettiness. Her playing these guards like they’re her toys. And the fact that she turned on a dime from a normal conversation to getting ready to spill someone’s blood in the middle of the palace. Because she knows no one will say a god damn thing.

In the later seasons as she made mistake after mistake and then more mistakes trying to fix those first mistakes, it’s hard to remember this Cersei. The one that seemed to be confident and capable. But that’s generally what I think makes villains interesting as they realize that their plans were always stupid and doomed to fail. Kind of like Randall Flagg from Stephen King’s novels. At the end of the Stand, he wasn’t that much. Same as Cersei who couldn’t stop what was coming. Of course that ending sucked but… you have to take what you get.

say hi to your dog for me

Lorelei had been driving around with the bumper sticker from WeRateDogs on the back of her car for the last two years. She wasn’t a dog owner but she was a fan of dogs. She would go to the parks and watch people walking their dogs. Wishing she had the room or time for one. Not right now. Not until she got her promotion and had more control over her time. Soon. Soon.

She pulled up to the light and sat there. She knew this light and that she was going to be there for a long time. At least it was a nice day. Bright and clear. There weren’t too many folks on the road.

With a rev of an enormous engine, a pick up truck pulled behind her. It then revved again and pulled up next to her. She heard the sonorous sound of the horn and glanced over.

The man sitting in the car next to her was white, bald and wearing wraparound sunglasses. He was smiling a wide smile. She didn’t know what to make of the man. She wondered if he was about to say something to her whether sexual or racist. He kept smiling though.

“Say hi to your dog for me?” he called. “How about you do it yourself.”

He lifted up his hand and Lorelei nearly died. He held a chihuahua in his hand that was small and black and brown. The eyes were bugging out. It was shaking in the hand of its owner. She couldn’t tell if he was scared or just shaking like most chihuahuas do.

“Oh my God, look at that sweet angel,” Lorelei cooed. “What’s their name?”

“Apple pie!” the man called back friendly.

The light finally turned green.

“You two have a wonderful day,” Lorelei called after him as the man lowered Apple Pie back to their seat.

He gave her a friendly wave and drove through the light. Lorelei continued with her day as well, feeling a little bit happier. A little bit brighter having seen such a beautiful little one. Such is the power of the dog.

Random Word Generator: Archive

(I learned this from Paul Robalino on the behind the scenes of Game Changer on Dropout.TV. He talks about using a random word generator and then writing from that word. This time we’re looking into a collection with the word: Archive)

The door swung open and slammed against the wall. The man that entered the room was ruggedly handsome, his hair was salt and pepper, face covered in stubble and wearing a bomber jacket and slacks. He had a pistol on his belt. His name was Jake Blast.

The other occupant was standing at a stove, watching some vegetables sizzle. He was the opposite of his visitor, clean cut, wearing a t-shirt and jeans. He poked at the food with a spatula. His name was Glenn Smart.

“Are you kidding me?” Jake said.

“About what?” Glenn replied his glasses fogging up from the steam.

“That I fought all those nazis, I got through all of those traps and flew halfway around the world for a cookbook.”

“I guess.”

He looked like he wanted to punch something.

“I thought you were an archaeologist. What does it matter that it’s a cookbook? It’s still history,” Glenn said.

“You just… you just hope that you put all the effort in and you hope that it’s going to be something really great.”

“I think it could be great.”

“Is that one of the recipes from the book?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Doesn’t smell great.”

“Yeah, they didn’t have access to certain spices,” Glenn said giving it another stir. “I knew you were coming so I made enough for two. Do you want a plate?”

“Sure,” Jake said.

When the food was done, they sat down and tasted it. They both chewed on it for a long time.

“Kind of bland,” Jake said.

“Truly,” Glenn replied eating another forkful.

“Maybe we just stick this in the archive.”

“Yeah, might as well. Good job though getting it.”

“Maybe the next tomb will be more interesting.”

Villains by Necessity by Eve Forward, the classic that should have been

I’m sure if I was better versed in fantasy I would know that there are several books like this with the same concept. Villains having to do the right thing because the heroes don’t realize they’re dooming the world. But the one I ended up coming across was Villains by Necessity by Eve Forward.

From the cover, you know this book is going to rock. Our concept is simple, a wizard Mizzamir and his band of heroes saved the world by killing a great evil. Mizzamir has also started using his powers to forcefully remove the want to do evil from people. Because of that, nights are growing shorter and lighter. The world is “whiting out” as it were but no one can think that because everything is so much better.

Enter two of our villains Sam and Arcie, a human assassin and depressed dwarf thief, respectively. They get captured and Arcie gives Sam a contract to kill Mizzamir, this motivates Sam to break free and the two of them go on the run. They run into a druid named Kaylana who explains how the world is ending and the way that they can save it, by opening something called the Black Gate. It’ll release evil back into the world and balance it out.

What proceeds is a well written, funny and altogether great story. They encounter a sorceress who just loves being evil but has some real pathos about her, a silent black knight and a centaur bard who doesn’t know much about what’s going on but he is a double agent for the heroes.

It’s just such a bummer that this book didn’t get off the ground and become a series or that Eve didn’t write more than three books(I just found this out, I never actually looked it up until now). Because she’s an excellent writer. The book flows with wonderful character moments, it’s funny(there’s a moment where they encounter a village of Smurflike creatures and do what we all want to do and cuts a tree down so that they get crushed) and she utilizes the concept to its utmost. Just because evil is gone doesn’t mean people are better. And shows that forcing people to change isn’t this great and good thing. That there is a truly horrific cost for all of it. And just because “evil” is gone, doesn’t mean that people are better. There’s an exceptionally well written scene where Sam is out and about at night and hears a woman being sexually assaulted, which he steps in to save her from. This could easily just be a save the cat moment but it then rolls into Sam discovering a power that becomes a major plot point.

Mizzamir is a great villain because he’s not over the top but he’s so sure that he’s right. He looks upon the villains with pity that reeks of hypocrisy and snobbiness. The rest of his crew are more overtly antagonistic towards the villains and seek to harm them. They make for two distinct and interesting antagonists that feel like viable threats.

My main complaint honestly is that some things are not delved into as much as I would like. My sister has told me that she doesn’t need things like that and that it’s a personal issue of mine. Maybe it is but if the main complaint I have for a book is that I want more of it, then it’s something special.

It’s available on kindle and audible so read it if you can. A paperback version will run you about 86 bucks because it was only a first pressing. I got it for about forty back in 2004. I don’t regret spending that at all. Read it and enjoy it my friends.

Two Suits

I bought two suits in 2020
The promise of getting a new job
Things didn’t work out that way
And they stood in my closet
Waiting for a chance to do their thing
Now, I’ve worn them out
I lost sixty pounds from when I bought them
They fit me better now
I keep track of how often they go
To sad events or happy ones
Unfortunately, the score isn’t even
It’s been a hard five years

Random Word Generator Story Time: Extreme

(I learned this from Paul Robalino on the behind the scenes of Game Changer on Dropout.TV. He talks about using a random word generator and then writing from that word. This time we’re getting EXTREME with the word, extreme.)

What follows is the transcript from the Regional Semifinals for the Radical Race and Extreme Sports Festival presented by Power Jam Juice. When you need to jam some power, you know whose juice to jank.

John: It’s a glorious day today at the local fairgrounds that have been converted for a day of extreme sports and racing. I’m John McJortson and I’m here with my cohost Leslie Redd-White, which makes you wonder why she didn’t just combine her hyphenated married name into Leslie Pink. How’re you doing today, Leslie?

Leslie: Fine, John, and the reason that I haven’t changed my name to Leslie Pink is that there is already a pornographic actress with that name. I wouldn’t want to try and trade on another woman’s name especially one as talented as her nor would I want to have to use my middle name to continue my own career. Sorry aunt Gladys but your name is old and lame.

John: Right you are, Leslie! Now, we’re about to get underway with our first events. We’re going to check in on the half pipe where Sean Lentil is about to start his first run. He’s dropping in and starting to pick up speed.

Leslie: Still picking up speed. He has not performed a single trick nor has he touched his board with anything but his feet.

John: He sure is getting some air on those exits.

Leslie: Wait, he’s starting to spin! It’s a 1080! And another one! And another! He’s really spinning. Oh, wait, he’s starting to achieve flight. Rising! Rising! And he’s reached escape velocity! While we’re waiting for the results for the run, we’re going to take a moment to thank our sponsors today, Power Jam Juice. They have two new flavors, Menacing Mango and Grandma Killed a Man and Covered it Up. The second one has a blue raspberry flavor and they would like to let everyone know they will no longer be offering poll voted flavor names.

John: Thank you for reminding us of our sponsors, Leslie and we have an update on Sean. He has broken the atmosphere and is currently in space. Apparently, the ISS has seen him achieve faster than light travel and disappeared. Godspeed, Sean and good luck.

Leslie: Achieving FTL from a single trick is pretty extreme, John.

John: Right you are, Leslie. What do we have next?

Leslie: Next up in the half pipe we have Corey Randalsandals who, looking to impress the crowd has taken off his shirt.

John: Those abs and tattoos will certainly impress some people in the crowd if they’re into those kinds of things.

Leslie: That’s a hell of a tattoo of kanji on his back. Having studied Japanese, I can read that and apparently it says “My name is Corey Randalsandals, I’m a selfish lover and even more of a red flag. I’m jealous and mean and I don’t deserve a wonderful girlfriend who knows what kanji means. I got this for very racist reasons that used the describers, exotic and mystical. By the time I unveil this at the Regional Semifinals for the Radical Race and Extreme Sports Festival presented by Power Jam Juice, my girlfriend will have taken everything out of my house and headed for greener pastures. Go fuck yourself, Corey, I know about Nicole.”

John: That’s quite a lot.

Leslie: Small print. Looks like he’s pulled out his phone and is making a phone call. He’s yelling into his phone. Now he’s pathetically begging. Looks like his girlfriend was funding his lifestyle as he’s not a very good skater. Okay, he hasn’t dropped in but he has curled into a ball and is starting to cry.

John: That’s quite a move, I don’t know how the judges are going to score it. Well, he’s dropped in and left the half pipe. Looks like he’s skating away. Just disappearing over the horizon. Godspeed, Corey.

Leslie: I’m pretty sure that he came here in a car. Anyway, this is a good time to bring up Ron’s towing another sponsor that will treat your car like it’s his own. That’s not that good because I’ve seen the way that Ron treats his cars.

John: And as always, Power Jam Juice, try their other newest flavor Bananaramalabamaslammamamajammagamma juice. The fun thing about this one is that it actually doesn’t have a banana flavor but more a citrus flavor. There was a miscommunication between marketing and R&D and they had already made the cans, so yeah.

Leslie: Oh my god, in all my years of sports broadcasting, I’ve never seen this happen. A large hairy man, that can only be the Bigfoot has come onto the halfpipe. Kids, I want you to notice that even sasquatch is wearing proper safety gear. You should always make sure that you’re safe and happy when skating.

John: Couldn’t agree more, Leslie. Bigfoot is not an official contestant but he is being given special dispensation to enter. He’s about to start his run. Oh my god, I’ve never seen skating like this.

Leslie: A 900 into a Christ air into a heelflip and then a kickflip. He’s getting some good hang time there. And right into a Dizzy Gillespie. That’s the best skating wombat that I’ve ever seen. He’s… yes, he’s knitting! That’s a beautiful scarf! Bigfoot has excellent color sense. And he finishes with a Leaning Tower of Pisa. The crowd is going nuts. Wait… it’s not only for Bigfoot. Oh my god… there are deer at the edge of the grounds.

John: Those are not deer.

Leslie: Yes, that one has four eyes and eight antlers.

John: In this shocking turn of events, Bigfoot is running towards the not deer.

Leslie: He’s shouting something in his language of grunts and growls.

John: I took Bigfoot language in college and by taking it I listened to a crazy man tell me about his erotic and tender encounters with Bigfoot for five hours. I understand what he’s saying. He’s shouting that he has fallen in love with our society despite our flaws. That he wishes to save these innocents from those monsters. That he knows our mistakes and he loves us no matter what.

Leslie: I’m openly weeping, John.

John: And he’s entered battle with them! The not deer are shifting into forms that I can’t describe. The sounds that I’m hearing are horrific. Bigfoot is fighting valiantly. It looks bad though. Oh my god, no, he’s won… but he’s been mortally wounded. The crowd is running to him. Looks like several members of the crowd who have medical training are looking to help him. A woman has knelt and is holding his hand. He’s tenderly stroking her cheek. And… his hand has gone limp. The crowd has gently closed his eyes. The crowd are screaming in sorrow. It looks like they’re lifting his body gently.

Leslie: From what I can hear, they’re calling to take him to the local cemetery and build a great mausoleum for him. They don’t care how many people they have to drag out of their graves to make room for him.

John: Leslie, I’m going to end my broadcast here. I know of several wealthy landowners who have been laid too much at rest.

Leslie: Let me come with you, John. I’ve always had a great love of Bigfoot as any American would and should. This has truly been extreme. May a fleet of angels sing thee to thy rest, gentle Bigfoot.

End of transcript

One of the great tragedies in literature

Recently on reddit someone asked who the character is that makes you sad. There are a lot of characters that I could think of but the one that came to my mind is Pangle from my favorite book, Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier.

The book is about Inman trying to get home through the losing south during the last days of the Civil War. He is amongst a group of people called outliers who are hiding from the home guard. One of the outliers is Stobrod, a violinist who after playing a little girl out has no longer been able to focus on the war. He runs into Pangle while hiding in a cave on Cold Mountain.

Pangle was run off his family’s property for being “simple-minded” and he hid in the mountains. He discovered a group of other outliers in his cave and was happy to see them. He fell in love with Stobrod’s music and during a raid on a farmer’s house, Stobrod stole a banjo. Pangle took to the banjo easily and the two became a duo. Even before that, Pangle would curl up next to Stobrod to sleep no matter how many times Stobrod shoved him away. In Stobrod’s words, all Pangle wanted was warmth and music.

The tragedy of Pangle comes when him and Stobrod are discovered by the Home Guard, the group meant to find outliers. They listen to the two play some music with only Stobrod realizing that they’re about to get killed. When the guard tells them to get up against a tree, Pangle throws his arm over Stobrod’s shoulders like they’re getting their picture taken. He won’t stop smiling so the guard tells him to put his hat over his face. He does so and they’re killed.

It’s pretty obvious that Pangle represents the kindness and innocence of people in the face of war. His murder is one of several dozen in this book. But this one always stuck out to me due to its unfairness and tragedy. He didn’t have any involvement in this, the war and its consequences came to him. He could have lived for a long time on that mountain.

Due to their mental state, I’m reminded of Lenny from Of Mice and Men. But the sorrow in Lenny is that a friend did it to him to be kind. Knowing that the fate that he would receive at the hands of the land owner would be far worse. These bastards did it just out of meanness.

Ada and Ruby(Stobrod’s daughter) come up the mountain to bury him and Pangle when they find Stobrod alive. When he’s going back down the mountain, Inman points out where they buried Pangle, Stobrod says “if God was to set out killing every men based on their demerits, that boy would make up the hind end of the line”.

When I read that line, I thought of it as a good way to live. Not with the threat of death from an overseeing God but to continue to show that kind of kindness throughout my life. It would be a nice thing to do.

I’m way too upset about these characters in these children books

In the words of Adam Green, it’s hard to be a girl. It would be a lot easier for these two girls if people would just stop being assholes to them.

First up, we have Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables. I’ve met her just about a dozen pages before and she has instantly stolen my heart. I want what’s best for this child. I want her to have so much more than this world could offer her. She is a joy to be around.

Then snooty Mrs. Rachel shows up and is like “well, they didn’t adopt you for your looks”.

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, MRS. RACHEL.

All Anne wanted was to be loved and a home. She doesn’t need your hate. I haven’t finished the book but I doubt she’s going to get hers. The greatest villains never do, which is what brings me to our next subject.

Kristy’s dad from the Babysitters’ Club. Kristy just wanted her dad to be there for her. Just once. But no, he had to be out of her life. Couldn’t even take twenty minutes to call her. To let his daughter knew he cared.

I checked and he never got his. There was no comeuppance for him. There should have been.

It’s not that they’re the greatest villains in the world of literature(they’re up there) but it’s the fact that their arrogance and disregard hurts girls that are already facing a great deal. The world has so much cruelty and you can let it change you or you could be better than it. Both of these people need to be better.

But yo, if they lived in the same time period, I think that Kristy would love to have Anne in the Babysitters’ Club and Anne would kill it. She already knows how to save children’s lives.