Tag Archives: mental-health

Working Out Again

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Sometimes I can’t think of some dumb, nerdy shit to write about so I just want to give an update on something else. I’ve been trying to work out more again and this has taken the form of going on more walks as well as using my under desk pedaler more often. My legs have been feeling better, like they feel more energetic if that makes any sense. It’s like they’re constantly asking me to let them kick through something.

I’ve neglected my arms so they get much more achey these days when I have to lift or exercise them. I’m going to be working on that so that I can get them back into punching shape. Not that I want to be able to punch people but there’s nothing quite like having a bad day and then taking it out on the bag. Better than taking it out on a person, anyway.

As for my belly, I’ve started doing daily bicycle crunches and my word they hurt. I know that’s where I got most of the air in my spare tire and I also know that crunches alone aren’t going to fix it. You have to do everything so that my body will start pulling from other fat sources to power me. I added bird dogs, push ups, jumping jacks and this weird cross leg thing to my daily workouts as well. If I do nothing else, I do that.

I’ve kept up with the beet juice from a different post and that led me to a very interesting doctor’s office visit. With my newfound vegetarianism, came an unexpected side effect, intense internal gas in my stomach. I had a doctor’s appointment and told my doctor about this. She mentioned that eating healthier does lead you to have more gas. It was like having your dentist praise how well you floss. I rode that high for a few days.

She told me to stop the beet juice for a week to see if that fixed things. It did but she wanted me to continue it because of how healthy it was. It was then that I learned what the issue actually was. The night before my doctor’s appointment, I had realized I had forgotten my daily beet juice so I drank it and went to bed. That was the issue, the gas in the beet juice had nowhere to go. So it just made my tum-tum all upset. Since then I’ve been using the beet juice basically as a pre-workout drink so that I can keep it moving through my system. It’s really helped.

I haven’t seen any results because why would I? This has only been like three days. It’s like that baboon said to Bojack Horseman. “It gets easier every day. But that’s the trick, you have to do it everyday.”

I’m Tall and I Don’t Know Why

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I’m the one in the background.

I’m six foot tall and it doesn’t feel that it should be that way. Like I think I was supposed to be short but then like puberty got it wrong and I shot up like a weed. I don’t think I have tall guy energy. I think I’m just gangly and awkward.

It is useful of course for the ability to reach up and pick things off tall shelves. It’s very rarely that I need to use a stepladder or anything like that.

Also, I don’t like to fight because I don’t fight fair or clean. It’s fortunate enough that I have the height on me that most fights end before they start. I remember there was this one time that I was on the train and my knee accidentally bumped into the seat in front of me. The man behind me must have been having a bad day because he told me that if my leg bumped his back again, he was going to beat my head in.

My dad told me to always stand up against bullies. I stood to my full height and towered over him. He said “Yeah!” and sat back down. Didn’t bother me again but I did try to make sure that I didn’t bump the seat in front of me. There’s no reason to be rude.

In my head, I think that I’m much smaller than I am. Maybe that’s something I need to talk about in therapy. Or maybe it’s okay that I know it’s better for me to not to take up as much space as other people. I don’t think that being tall is an achievement, it was just the cards I was dealt. It’s just an aspect of who I am, just one small part. Or a tall part. Lol.

A Farewell

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I hadn’t updated this blog in quite a while. I just haven’t had the heart to do so. It’s because a friend of mine has passed away recently. I won’t get into the details. I won’t say his name because I want the family to have their privacy. I know I’m not popular enough for a bunch of people to try and find them but you never know.

The death was sudden. We didn’t see it coming. He was there one day. I was texting him about when the next time we were going to hang was and then I got a text message from his mother that he was in the hospital. I went to see him that night. I heard the news and said my goodbyes. He was gone by that Saturday.

As I said, I don’t want to talk about the details. But I will talk about who he was as a person. He was a man that had been put into an absolutely terrible situation. One that would cause any other person to feel rage or anger. Him on the other hand, he was always patient, always kind. He had lost his father when he was much younger, when we were teens. When my own passed, I told him I guess we’re in the same shitty club.

I’m reminded of a line from Cold Mountain, where Stobrod sees the grave of Pangle. “If God was to set out killing every man on earth in order of their demerits, that boy would bring up the hind end of the line.” It’s suitable for him. He was kind, always. He was gentle, always. He loved his nieces and nephews. He loved his family. He loved everyone.

He had a love of movies that I think was more of an extension of that love. I think that he was just interested in people and their stories. Because of that, I constantly think about the movies I’m going to see and how we won’t be able to talk about them. The shows we were watching that I have to finish on my own.

It hits me in bits and pieces. I think it’s going to start hitting me more as time goes on. When I come down to visit my mom and I know that I’m not going to go see him. It hasn’t happened yet because of holidays, which always screwed up our hang out schedule as well as it’s only been about two weeks.

I don’t have much else to say about this. Usually when I make posts that aren’t about the stupid nerd shit that I like, I offer some kind of way forward. Some little thing that you and I can do to make our lives a little bit better. I don’t have that.

Grief is like nothing else. There is no path but forward. No way but through. It’s a vast ocean that you float in and have to keep your head over water. The waves will hit you and you will feel yourself get overwhelmed. But if you kick your legs and fight to live and honor the people you loved. You’ll get to shore.

Stagnation

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For the last three years, I’ve been trying to move out of my old apartment to finally live on my own. I’m not upset by the amount of time it took, I liked living with the various roommates I’ve had throughout the years but now it’s time for me to be on my own. Since I’ve been living on my own, I’m never going back. I will never live with another person again unless I’m in love or that person is need.

However, my last big endeavor was getting my degree in IT. I did that and that led to the job I have now and my moving out on my own.

Over the weekend, I was enjoying Star Trek: Lower Decks and doing puzzles. I finished with that and started to go into my room to play some Persona 3. It was then that I stopped myself and thought. I don’t have an actual goal. In that moment, I felt so lost and afloat.

Fortunately, several decades of therapy have prepared me for moments like this. I thought about that thought. Where did it come from?

I think it came from the idea that I was stagnating. That I wasn’t moving forward anymore. That there was no direction forward.

So, as I played Persona 3 because if I’m not going to figure out Tartarus who is? I thought about the next goal. First, I would like to move forward in my career at some point. Secondly, I would like to go to Maine and to Acadia national park to hike its many trails. For that I would need to train. Thirdly, I would like for someone to read my books and tell me that they like them. Whether that’s self published or through a publishing company.

Even if I hadn’t come up with this, I think that it’s important to have some kind of destination in mind. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to run the race. Just that you have a finish line. Something to go for.

I’ll let you know how this goes. The steps I’m taking, this website being one of them, to get to my various goals.

Okay, I’m back

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It’s been about two weeks and I’m fully in my apartment alone, dug in like a tick. Boy, oh boy, do I love it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still on good terms with my old roommates. But there’s just something to be said about coming into my apartment, immediately throwing my pants away and just enjoying having to answer to no one. I’m never going back.

It took me about two days to get my apartment completely in order. I had it all planned out in my head before I started so that helped me get everything in its right place. I have a closet for my hobbies, I have a great utility closet and I have the nest.

The nest is a large futon mattress that I can put up into a little couch or its original mattress form. I did it this way so my bros can come over for sleepovers. The kitchen has the main downside in that the oven is very old and not as good as I wanted. I also don’t control the heat, which is weird.

But a home is like a pet, it’s never perfect but that’s what makes them so special. I’m never going back to living with people until I fall in love with someone.

My mental state just feels so much better too. I have so much more energy and ability to do things. I can’t way to really dig into my hobbies. Last night, I was pushing through my exhaustion to finish a wonderful glitter unicorn puzzle.

I also know that it’s important when living alone to stay social. You can get weird if you’re left alone. Well, I’m kind of getting burned out by people. I’ve been hanging out a lot with people to the point that I could kind of use a break.

If nothing else, I’m going to start doing this blog and it’s only going to get weirder.