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Random Word Generator Story Time: Extreme

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(I learned this from Paul Robalino on the behind the scenes of Game Changer on Dropout.TV. He talks about using a random word generator and then writing from that word. This time we’re getting EXTREME with the word, extreme.)

What follows is the transcript from the Regional Semifinals for the Radical Race and Extreme Sports Festival presented by Power Jam Juice. When you need to jam some power, you know whose juice to jank.

John: It’s a glorious day today at the local fairgrounds that have been converted for a day of extreme sports and racing. I’m John McJortson and I’m here with my cohost Leslie Redd-White, which makes you wonder why she didn’t just combine her hyphenated married name into Leslie Pink. How’re you doing today, Leslie?

Leslie: Fine, John, and the reason that I haven’t changed my name to Leslie Pink is that there is already a pornographic actress with that name. I wouldn’t want to try and trade on another woman’s name especially one as talented as her nor would I want to have to use my middle name to continue my own career. Sorry aunt Gladys but your name is old and lame.

John: Right you are, Leslie! Now, we’re about to get underway with our first events. We’re going to check in on the half pipe where Sean Lentil is about to start his first run. He’s dropping in and starting to pick up speed.

Leslie: Still picking up speed. He has not performed a single trick nor has he touched his board with anything but his feet.

John: He sure is getting some air on those exits.

Leslie: Wait, he’s starting to spin! It’s a 1080! And another one! And another! He’s really spinning. Oh, wait, he’s starting to achieve flight. Rising! Rising! And he’s reached escape velocity! While we’re waiting for the results for the run, we’re going to take a moment to thank our sponsors today, Power Jam Juice. They have two new flavors, Menacing Mango and Grandma Killed a Man and Covered it Up. The second one has a blue raspberry flavor and they would like to let everyone know they will no longer be offering poll voted flavor names.

John: Thank you for reminding us of our sponsors, Leslie and we have an update on Sean. He has broken the atmosphere and is currently in space. Apparently, the ISS has seen him achieve faster than light travel and disappeared. Godspeed, Sean and good luck.

Leslie: Achieving FTL from a single trick is pretty extreme, John.

John: Right you are, Leslie. What do we have next?

Leslie: Next up in the half pipe we have Corey Randalsandals who, looking to impress the crowd has taken off his shirt.

John: Those abs and tattoos will certainly impress some people in the crowd if they’re into those kinds of things.

Leslie: That’s a hell of a tattoo of kanji on his back. Having studied Japanese, I can read that and apparently it says “My name is Corey Randalsandals, I’m a selfish lover and even more of a red flag. I’m jealous and mean and I don’t deserve a wonderful girlfriend who knows what kanji means. I got this for very racist reasons that used the describers, exotic and mystical. By the time I unveil this at the Regional Semifinals for the Radical Race and Extreme Sports Festival presented by Power Jam Juice, my girlfriend will have taken everything out of my house and headed for greener pastures. Go fuck yourself, Corey, I know about Nicole.”

John: That’s quite a lot.

Leslie: Small print. Looks like he’s pulled out his phone and is making a phone call. He’s yelling into his phone. Now he’s pathetically begging. Looks like his girlfriend was funding his lifestyle as he’s not a very good skater. Okay, he hasn’t dropped in but he has curled into a ball and is starting to cry.

John: That’s quite a move, I don’t know how the judges are going to score it. Well, he’s dropped in and left the half pipe. Looks like he’s skating away. Just disappearing over the horizon. Godspeed, Corey.

Leslie: I’m pretty sure that he came here in a car. Anyway, this is a good time to bring up Ron’s towing another sponsor that will treat your car like it’s his own. That’s not that good because I’ve seen the way that Ron treats his cars.

John: And as always, Power Jam Juice, try their other newest flavor Bananaramalabamaslammamamajammagamma juice. The fun thing about this one is that it actually doesn’t have a banana flavor but more a citrus flavor. There was a miscommunication between marketing and R&D and they had already made the cans, so yeah.

Leslie: Oh my god, in all my years of sports broadcasting, I’ve never seen this happen. A large hairy man, that can only be the Bigfoot has come onto the halfpipe. Kids, I want you to notice that even sasquatch is wearing proper safety gear. You should always make sure that you’re safe and happy when skating.

John: Couldn’t agree more, Leslie. Bigfoot is not an official contestant but he is being given special dispensation to enter. He’s about to start his run. Oh my god, I’ve never seen skating like this.

Leslie: A 900 into a Christ air into a heelflip and then a kickflip. He’s getting some good hang time there. And right into a Dizzy Gillespie. That’s the best skating wombat that I’ve ever seen. He’s… yes, he’s knitting! That’s a beautiful scarf! Bigfoot has excellent color sense. And he finishes with a Leaning Tower of Pisa. The crowd is going nuts. Wait… it’s not only for Bigfoot. Oh my god… there are deer at the edge of the grounds.

John: Those are not deer.

Leslie: Yes, that one has four eyes and eight antlers.

John: In this shocking turn of events, Bigfoot is running towards the not deer.

Leslie: He’s shouting something in his language of grunts and growls.

John: I took Bigfoot language in college and by taking it I listened to a crazy man tell me about his erotic and tender encounters with Bigfoot for five hours. I understand what he’s saying. He’s shouting that he has fallen in love with our society despite our flaws. That he wishes to save these innocents from those monsters. That he knows our mistakes and he loves us no matter what.

Leslie: I’m openly weeping, John.

John: And he’s entered battle with them! The not deer are shifting into forms that I can’t describe. The sounds that I’m hearing are horrific. Bigfoot is fighting valiantly. It looks bad though. Oh my god, no, he’s won… but he’s been mortally wounded. The crowd is running to him. Looks like several members of the crowd who have medical training are looking to help him. A woman has knelt and is holding his hand. He’s tenderly stroking her cheek. And… his hand has gone limp. The crowd has gently closed his eyes. The crowd are screaming in sorrow. It looks like they’re lifting his body gently.

Leslie: From what I can hear, they’re calling to take him to the local cemetery and build a great mausoleum for him. They don’t care how many people they have to drag out of their graves to make room for him.

John: Leslie, I’m going to end my broadcast here. I know of several wealthy landowners who have been laid too much at rest.

Leslie: Let me come with you, John. I’ve always had a great love of Bigfoot as any American would and should. This has truly been extreme. May a fleet of angels sing thee to thy rest, gentle Bigfoot.

End of transcript

One of the great tragedies in literature

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Recently on reddit someone asked who the character is that makes you sad. There are a lot of characters that I could think of but the one that came to my mind is Pangle from my favorite book, Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier.

The book is about Inman trying to get home through the losing south during the last days of the Civil War. He is amongst a group of people called outliers who are hiding from the home guard. One of the outliers is Stobrod, a violinist who after playing a little girl out has no longer been able to focus on the war. He runs into Pangle while hiding in a cave on Cold Mountain.

Pangle was run off his family’s property for being “simple-minded” and he hid in the mountains. He discovered a group of other outliers in his cave and was happy to see them. He fell in love with Stobrod’s music and during a raid on a farmer’s house, Stobrod stole a banjo. Pangle took to the banjo easily and the two became a duo. Even before that, Pangle would curl up next to Stobrod to sleep no matter how many times Stobrod shoved him away. In Stobrod’s words, all Pangle wanted was warmth and music.

The tragedy of Pangle comes when him and Stobrod are discovered by the Home Guard, the group meant to find outliers. They listen to the two play some music with only Stobrod realizing that they’re about to get killed. When the guard tells them to get up against a tree, Pangle throws his arm over Stobrod’s shoulders like they’re getting their picture taken. He won’t stop smiling so the guard tells him to put his hat over his face. He does so and they’re killed.

It’s pretty obvious that Pangle represents the kindness and innocence of people in the face of war. His murder is one of several dozen in this book. But this one always stuck out to me due to its unfairness and tragedy. He didn’t have any involvement in this, the war and its consequences came to him. He could have lived for a long time on that mountain.

Due to their mental state, I’m reminded of Lenny from Of Mice and Men. But the sorrow in Lenny is that a friend did it to him to be kind. Knowing that the fate that he would receive at the hands of the land owner would be far worse. These bastards did it just out of meanness.

Ada and Ruby(Stobrod’s daughter) come up the mountain to bury him and Pangle when they find Stobrod alive. When he’s going back down the mountain, Inman points out where they buried Pangle, Stobrod says “if God was to set out killing every men based on their demerits, that boy would make up the hind end of the line”.

When I read that line, I thought of it as a good way to live. Not with the threat of death from an overseeing God but to continue to show that kind of kindness throughout my life. It would be a nice thing to do.

I’m way too upset about these characters in these children books

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In the words of Adam Green, it’s hard to be a girl. It would be a lot easier for these two girls if people would just stop being assholes to them.

First up, we have Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables. I’ve met her just about a dozen pages before and she has instantly stolen my heart. I want what’s best for this child. I want her to have so much more than this world could offer her. She is a joy to be around.

Then snooty Mrs. Rachel shows up and is like “well, they didn’t adopt you for your looks”.

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, MRS. RACHEL.

All Anne wanted was to be loved and a home. She doesn’t need your hate. I haven’t finished the book but I doubt she’s going to get hers. The greatest villains never do, which is what brings me to our next subject.

Kristy’s dad from the Babysitters’ Club. Kristy just wanted her dad to be there for her. Just once. But no, he had to be out of her life. Couldn’t even take twenty minutes to call her. To let his daughter knew he cared.

I checked and he never got his. There was no comeuppance for him. There should have been.

It’s not that they’re the greatest villains in the world of literature(they’re up there) but it’s the fact that their arrogance and disregard hurts girls that are already facing a great deal. The world has so much cruelty and you can let it change you or you could be better than it. Both of these people need to be better.

But yo, if they lived in the same time period, I think that Kristy would love to have Anne in the Babysitters’ Club and Anne would kill it. She already knows how to save children’s lives.

Random Word Generator Story Time: Dive

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(I learned this from Paul Robalino on the behind the scenes of Game Changer. He talks about using a random word generator and then writing from that word. The word I got was dive and I’m going to write the first thing that comes into my mind.)

Every step terrifies me. Maybe I wouldn’t be so scared is if around the pool it wasn’t hard concrete but instead like a padded floor. I think that it would still hurt to land on that but it wouldn’t be as bad.

I’m at the pool at my school and I’ve been staring at this thing since I was a freshman. I’m about to graduate and I need to jump off of it. I don’t know why I have to face this fear. Maybe it’s something about a mental block to starting the rest of my life. I have to close one chapter and start on another.

I get to the top of it. It takes me a while to lift my leg up and get onto it. I feel myself slip a little bit. I grab harder to make sure that I don’t fall. I get onto the diving board. I finally see over and I freeze. I’m so high up. How does this high dive exist inside a gym? This is insane. I think I see some people standing by the edge of the pool before I scramble to the ladder. I don’t go down it, I just hang onto it for dear life. I don’t know how to get back onto it. There’s another way down but there’s no way in hell I’m taking that way. I guess I’ll just have to wait for a hunky fireman to come by and grab me.

I think I hear people calling for me. I think I saw people when I looked over the edge of the diving board. I didn’t get a long enough look to know who they were. I hear someone shout “no running” and that’s it.

I look at the ladder again and soon a face appears there. It’s Molly Anderson. Dark chestnut hair, fine features and blue eyes. Of course she’s the one to find me cowering up here. She’s always such an asshole. She’s made fun of me since we got to high school. Maybe I wanted to do this to prove that I was as good as her. Not that I’d ever admit that to her. Not even now.

She looks like she’s worried. It’s probably a trick.

“Hey, are you okay?” Molly asks softly.

“Doing great,” I say.

“You look like you’re scared.”

“Why don’t I save us some time and say that I am and you can start making fun of me.”

“Not up here. If you’re scared, I want you to get down safely. I only make fun of people on firm ground.”

“Why do you make fun of people all the time?”

“You make fun of me too!”

“Because you make fun of me!”

“Who made fun of who first?”

“You did!”

“You did!”

Now that we’re talking about this, I honestly can’t remember when I started to hate her. Here at the end of my life, I’m starting to think about how I actually enjoy our verbal sparring. Oh shit, she’s starting to talk again.

“The fact of the matter is that I was right where you were the first time I came up here,” Molly says. “My first meet, I saw a girl fall off the high dive and get hurt. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

“Thanks for letting me know that. Good glimpse into my future,” I respond.

“That’s not going to happen as long as I can help it. Do you want me to help you down? I can come up there or stay down here and get you on the ladder. I won’t play any tricks on you or do anything. I just want to make sure you’re safe. You can trust me.”

I do trust her. I remember there was one night when her and her friends found my best friend, Stacy, crying after her dipshit ex broke up with her. He had made fun of her and bragged about cheating. Molly had taken care of her because I was out of town. She told me that she had been a bit drunk and they had made sure she got home safe. They had listened to and comforted her. She wasn’t that big an asshole now that I thought about it.

“Why are you up here?” Molly asks.

“I was scared to do this and I wanted to prove it to myself that I could do it,” I reply.

“Okay, do you want me to talk you through it? Let’s start easy. Take a few deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”

I do as she instructs. I do find myself calming down. My heart stops beating in my ears.

“Good, you’re already looking calmer. Now, put your feet on the diving board. Slowly. Feel it under your feet. Don’t let go of the railing. Take your time with it under your feet.”

I do as she instructs me. I twist my legs so that I can feel the rough plastic under my feet. I decide to skip to the next step. I stand up.

“There you go,” Molly says. “Can you turn towards the edge?”

“Yeah,” I say.

I turn my body so that I’m facing the edge. My fear is waiting to swallow me up.

“Okay, if you’re going to jump, the best way to do it is with your arms at your sides and feet pointed down. Don’t try and dive, just take a big step off and think about how the water is going to swallow you up,” Molly says. “You’ll hit the water and swim back up.”

“I’m trying my best but I’m not quite there,” I tell her.

“Girls!” Molly shouts. “Give, Jackie some motivation!”

I hear the girls below me start to cheer and call my name. I feel the fear start to dissipate. Eventually, fuck it.

I walk the short distance and then what’s below me just disappears. I snap my legs and arms together. I have enough time to think, “Shouldn’t I have hit the water by now?” and then I hit the water. I slam into the luke warm water and feel my heart jump for joy. I did it. I survived. I swim to the surface. My head breaks out and I look around.

I hear someone yelling above me and Molly slams into the water. She swims towards me with a smile on her face. She hugs me.

“You did it!” she says.

“Holy shit, my feet hurt,” I say.

“Yeah, that happens.”

The other girls jump into the pool. They swarm me and tell me that they’re proud of me too. A firm voice suddenly calls out.

“Hey girls, what’s going on?” the voice belonging to Coach Taylor says.

“Sorry, coach,” I say.

“We do have to practice, Jackie. Could you give us the pool?”

“Sure, sorry.”

I climb out of the pool vowing to come back later. The girls climb up on their blocks. Molly stops me as I start heading for the locker room.

“Hey, you did really good,” Molly says.

“Thanks for helping me through that,” I tell her.

“No worry.”

“You know maybe you’re not such an asshole.”

“I thought the same thing about you.”

“See you around.”

“Yeah, see ya.”

Tomorrow we might be at it again. But maybe we both don’t have to go so hard.

Am I lazy?

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I had this discussion with my therapist last night. It’s something that constantly pops into my mind. Mostly because there are some nights where I don’t really do much of anything beyond doomscrolling on my phone. I’m not one of those people that thinks you need to be on that 24/7 365 grindset or you’re a waste to society. I know that the body and especially the mind needs rest.

The question I wonder is am I getting too much rest to the point of being lazy or am I getting the right amount?

Now, the thing is that I think part of this is the race conundrum. There are people further along in the race of life than I am. They’re married, they’re making more money than me or they’re just doing something that they want to do. I’ve achieved some things but it doesn’t feel like enough when I compare myself to them. So, that’s something that I have to deal with.

Then there’s the goal oriented anxiety. There are things that I want to do like start a Youtube channel, there are novels that I want to write, I want to learn to make amigurumi, I want to travel, I want to read more, listen to more new albums or podcasts and then there are so many other things that I want to do. When I stare up at that mountain, I get intimidated and once more, I do nothing.

Well, last night, I think I finally came along the way to solve this. It’s called the footpath. Don’t stare at the sheer cliff face and wonder how you’re going to climb it. You have to find the little way up the mountain. I’m going to take that list of things and introduce each footpath.

I want to write more- start with a single sentence a day.

I want to learn to make amigurumi- start watching the instructional videos so you have an inkling of what you’re getting into.

I want to travel- There are interesting places in this state and other states surrounding mine that I can travel to that doesn’t require much effort to go to

I want to read more- Novel too much? Start with a fanfiction, poem or short story.

I want to listen to more podcasts and albums?- Find a short podcast or start with one song from an album that you didn’t know.

Wait for one of those things to hook you and bring you along. I know that part of this is dealing with depression but this can help with that. I’ve found that when I’m depressed, I do something even if I don’t want to do it, eventually the joy of doing it starts to come along. You have to remind your heart of the things you love. Like calling a friend that you haven’t talked to in a long while.

    Dragonball Super Asks an Interesting Theological Question: What If You Could Punch God in the Face?

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    Okay to be fair, in Dragonball and all its different forms, the god that Goku punches is not the Almighty. He’s Beerus the god of destruction and he looks like a purple kitty man.

    He shows up and tells the main characters that he’s going to destroy the world unless he can fight the Super Saiyan God. Goku achieves it as he does everything in the series and manages to fight him. He still loses the fight but Beerus decides to let the earth survive.

    Dragonball constantly offers that any problem with enough effort, the heroes can overcome it. It’s a pretty hopeful sentiment. There’s nothing that you can’t get over.

    What if Noah told God that he was going to overthrow the world and Noah was just ripped off his shirt and shouted for God to come down and face him. What if he made up a team with Jacob who was able to wrestle with an angel for 24 hours straight. What would God’s response be? Just to flood the world anyway?

    Of course, Noah did not have the abilities that Goku and his friends do in Dragonball Z. They are gods unto themselves. With the flick of a finger they can destroy a planet or turn a city into a glass floor. It would be interesting to see the world through the eyes of a normal person as Goku and his friends let one of their opponents run roughshod over the planet.

    Maybe that’s the issue, that once you hit a certain level of power it’s hard to see other people as anything but disposable. We see that throughout Dragonball where innocent people are constantly caught in the crossfire. Cities are destroyed or their people are killed. Finally in the Buu saga the bodycount reaches the maximum as everyone on the planet is killed. The heroes revive everyone but they are returned to the planet knowing what happens on the other side.

    If this was the real world, things would change if the entire world was brought back to life. The entirety of what comes next would be shown to the every single person. Religions would change and some would just end. Would people become more or less reckless knowing that they constantly lived on the edge of a knife because of the actions of a handful of individuals?

    It’s a question that we’re not going to get an answer to in the actual text. I guess I’m going to have to find it myself.

    The Secret Weapons of Comedy

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    We mentioned Tim Meadows on the podcast this week and I want to just say that he and Judy Greer are the two best supporting character actors working today. Every time I see that they’re in the cast, I get pumped. They’re liked whipped cream to an ice cream sundae. They’re just going to improve it.

    I mean, who can forget Judy on Arrested Development flashing Michael and screeching at him to “say goodbye to these, Michael!”. She also killed it in Halloween(2018). I’ve put the scene below but she has to pretend to be scared to attract Michael Myers into her killzone. The immediate switch from being helpless to shooting him in the face is tremendous.

    Then we have Tim Meadows who killed it in Dewey Cox by being the main supplier and tempter of Dewey for his drug journey. Even today, my friends will just say to each other “And you never paid for drugs… not once.” Despite being for the most part all straight edge. Two of my friends drink but we always make sure to get written permission from their parents before they do so.

    You know I say that as a joke but I’m sure there are parents that are puritanical that that is something people have to do.

    He was also incredible on the Office, Pop Star and Brooklyn 99. He just enhances everything. The scene I was talking about before is below:

    Once on reddit, someone asked who has the most staying power. I answered at the time Judy Greer but I would say that Tim Meadows exists in that world as well. They’re just going to get better with age. Someone needs to pick up the crown of the Golden Girls and I think Judy has the ability to do so. Tim Meadows proved himself in SNL and he continues to do so.

    Trapped by Accident

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    I am stuck here

    I know the way out

    But I don’t want to take it

    We met y’all by accident

    And now two gals are sitting on my trunk

    They don’t know it’s mine

    I don’t care to tell them

    I’m locked in with silk bars

    I can easily leave

    But I dare not to

    Because when I move

    The rest of us will leave

    And I don’t want to stop

    Laughing in the moonlight