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Doors

(Author’s Note: This is the first spooky story I ever wrote. It’s also going to be in my new horror story collection coming out in August, A Heartbeat in the Darkness. I did a reading of this back when I had a horror podcast by the same name. You can find the reading here: https://youtu.be/kz58xCnc1VQ?si=LksEZNKEOFrFF5YB )

I haven’t been outside in a few days.  It’s not for lack of trying.  It’s just that, my house isn’t the same as it was when I woke up on Monday morning.  Something has happened.  I don’t know what. 

The rooms don’t connect the way they used to.  Every time I open the door, it leads me somewhere new.  My bedroom suddenly leading into my kitchen.  The kitchen leading towards the basement stairs.  Close the door, open and find something new.  When I did manage to get to either the back or front door, I would open them and try and leave.  My eyes would be blinded by a bright white flash of light and I find myself back in another room of the house.  Perfectly situated in the middle of a room.  Something akin to teleportation.  I’ve pinched myself until my eyes watered from the pain.  This isn’t a dream.       

I’ve tried the windows but they’re locked and no matter how I adjust them, they refuse to open.  I tried breaking them as well, throwing the heaviest objects I could find.  They refused to shatter.  I became so desperate and frustrated that eventually I opened up my gun safe and removed the pistol I had inside.  I readied a round in the chamber, kneeled behind the bed and took aim.  I fired.  I dove to the side when the bullet ricocheted, the report of the pistol still ringing in my ears.  The smoke from the muzzle setting off the  detector.  The bullet has lodged itself in the wall.  

I don’t know what to do.  I’ve been trying to figure out my new reality.  I still have water and electricity somehow.  My laptop shows a black screen, the tv shows static, the phone won’t dial out.  Without these electronic means of contact, I decided to go about the physical.  I looked through the books I had on my shelves.  All of them now a jumbled mess of letters with no meaning that I can find.  

I decided to try an experiment.  When the door opened to my front hall, I opened the door and figured out how close I could get to it before the flash of light sent me to another room.  I stood a little bit past the doorjamb yelling and waving my arms to get anyone’s attention.  Someone to help,to pull me from this place.  But no one heard me.  They kept walking.  Never turning so much as a curious eye towards me.  It was then that I heard the silence.  Despite the open door and the fact that I could see all kinds of noisemakers, birds, lawnmowers and cars.  I heard nothing.  No sound reached me.  I’ve become isolated even from vibration.

I’m sitting on the bed now with the gun stuck in the back of my pants.  Something supernatural is going on but I have no idea what it could be or why.  I’ve entered into a realm that seems to exist with some kind of dream logic.  It has rules that it follows.  Like the doors.  I’ve tried to leave them open but they shut whenever I look away.  I’ve opened them, turned and then spun back around.  Always they are closed but I see no movement, I hear no sound.  No other in the house but me.  Near as I can tell and hope.  

I’ve been trying to think of the reasons that this could happen.  Horror stories generally tell of things like this happening to those that deserve them.  Someone who has violated some universal law of rightness.  I can’t think of anything that I’ve done.  My life has been fairly unspectacular.  No skeletons in my closet.  Maybe it’s just a run of bad luck that led me here.  A higher power hoping to destroy me with no more thought than I have then when my foot falls on an anthill.  

There’s one option that I don’t want to consider.  The idea that I may have gone insane.  Something in my past that I repressed or I’ve seen something recently that made me snap.  I  don’t know much about insanity and I don’t know if a lack of sound counts as it.  That also wouldn’t explain the people who ignored me while I screamed for help.  I was there for minutes.  I saw so many people and yet no one came towards me.  No one offered anything.  Could this be a trap of my mind?  Have I simply become locked in an endless existence.  My body being left in the care of the state or some relative.  Catatonia taking over for my consciousness.  I think about the gun in the back of my pants.  I wonder if I should put it under my chin.  Pull the trigger and be done with it.  I’ve never thought about killing myself before.  No grand notions of the future but no death thoughts either.  I have some food left.  I think I’ll hold out until that is gone.  I’m not ready to roll that dice just yet.  

The long hours drag on towards the setting sun.  I turn on the lights when the sun goes  down while I still have them.  Keeping the TV on while I fall asleep.  The sound of the static offering some comfort.  

When I wake up the next morning I look out the front door.  It’s the only entertainment I have. I sit cross legged in front of the open door.  I play a game with myself in which I count  numbers until I see someone walk by.  I’ve gotten up to the hundreds before someone has.  I live in a suburb, a quiet little vacation spot. I’ve seen only one person that I know, a woman who became a townie like me.  I still have friends that live in town.  Yet, no one has come to check up on me.  To find out if I’m okay.  No phone calls.  No one knocking on my door.  Of course, I have no idea if they even register if I’m gone.  Perhaps the house has erased me from their memories.  Continuing to isolate me.  I play my game until the sun starts to set.  

That night as I lay in bed with the TV still blaring its static, I hear something.  I’ve been lying in bed listening to it with the lights out.  It’s the slightest hitch in the sound.  A slight rising in the constant static.  It doesn’t sound like anything.  No words.  I lie back down.  I barely sleep the rest of the night.  There’s nothing else of note from the TV in that entire time.

The next morning I go to the door and start playing my game again.  I’ve eaten my one meal of the day.  My mind is groggy from the minimal food and sleep.  Thoughts come slowly.  I’m even having trouble remembering the numbers as I count.  I blink and something has changed again.  There’s a man standing across the street from my house.  He’s dressed in a T-shirt, jeans and leather jacket.  He wears a large preacher’s hat as well.  The brim of it casts shadows over his eyes.  He’s looking at me.  He begins to walk forward.  I jump up and slam the door shut.  I lock it, pull the gun out of my pants, chamber a round and point it at the door.  There’s a window in the top half of the door.  The man steps up onto the front porch.  He comes right up to the glass.  His hat falls onto the back of his head.  I can see his face fully now.  

His skin is a pallid, sickly white.  He’s thin in all his parts.  But it’s the face that causes my hand to shake, my aim being thrown off by it.  The purple lips stretch back in a terrifying grin.  His teeth are a ghastly yellow color.  Rotten and full of cavities in black diseased gums.  His eyeballs are black.  Red dots glow in the center of them.  His hair is blonde and greasy hanging on either side of his head in curtains.  

He places his forehead against the glass.  His hands on either side of his head.  His eyes are staring right into me.  Through his garish smile, he’s laughing.  A wheezing, empty thing.  I’d fire if I thought that I would actually kill him.  He leans back and then slams his face against the glass.  It makes me jump backwards.  The laugh rises in pitch and frequency as his forehead bleeds against the cracks he’s made in the glass.  I pray that the door will hold.  I aim again.  He leans back and slams his head against the glass a second time.   The glass holds even as more cracks appear.  He leans backwards and I figure that he’s going to strike a third time. He steps away from the door and walks back across the street, returning to the spot where he once stood. He doesn’t move again for the rest of the day.  I watch him for a while though the glass of the door, which is repairing itself.  The cracks reforming with ease.  The only evidence that he was ever here is a greasy stain with spots of blood.  

I spend the rest of the day upstairs watching him.  He doesn’t look up but continues to stare at the house.  My thoughts twist in even greater confusion than they did before.  There’s nothing about him that makes me think that he’s here to help me.  The man’s presence has another effect in that it changes my opinion as to what’s happening in my house.  That perhaps the fact that I can’t leave is because my house is protecting me from whatever that man is.  Some demon come to torment me.  To block my escape from the house.  I can’t survive within or out.  I’ll starve in here.  I don’t know what that man will do to me when I leave.  I turn on every light in my house.  I barely sleep again.  More noises amongst the static.  No words.   

The man is still outside of my house.  He hasn’t moved from his vigil.  I didn’t notice it before because I was so focused on the man’s approach but the places on my lawn where that man strode, the grass is now black and dead.  People are still walking down the street.  They pass and he goes unnoticed.  What is this tormentor?  Where did he come from?  I know that he wants to harm me.  There could be no other purpose for him.  I know it’s not death that he has in store for me.  But something far worse.  I have the gun in my hand.  For the second time in as many days, I think about killing myself.  I think about it for a long time.  But there’s a voice in the back of my head that tells me that even if I was to die by my own hand that would not allow me to escape from him or even the house.  I’m trapped.  The idea that I’m not myself returns to me.  That maybe I died and am just a spirit haunting this house.  That man outside is a grim reaper come to claim me.  That thought is foolish though.  If I was dead I wouldn’t feel the constant growling hunger.  I move my bed into the corner so that I can keep an eye on the door.  I plan to sleep with the gun under my pillow.  

It’s then that I notice the hole in my wall.  Whatever damage that man did to my door has been repaired by the house.  But that remains.  I’m struck by sudden inspiration.  That perhaps the walls may not be afflicted by the same strange magic as the doors.  That perhaps using the tools in the basement I can break through a wall and find a different way out.  If nothing else having something to do today has made me happy.    

I close the door until I get to the staircase that leads down to my basement.  I fill my toolbox, shoulder my axe and sledgehammer and leave the basement. I cycle through the doors until I get to my front hall.  It’s then that a new idea enters my mind.  What would happen if I was to remove a door from its hinges.  I make it to the second floor hallway and walk down to one of my guest rooms.  I get to work and within a few minutes, I’m picking up the door and moving it to the side.  

When I look back at the doorway I see that my guest room isn’t beyond it. Instead there’s a long hallway leading into the distance.  At the end of it is the outline of a door framed by white light.  I take a moment to wrap my mind around what I’m seeing.  The impossibility of its existence.  Considering the length of the hallway, it would extend out of my house by about a hundred meters or more.    

I leave most of my tools behind, but keep the axe and pistol.  I start walking.  My mind is so broken at this point that I don’t know how far I go.  I try and figure out based on the number of steps I take.  I stop after awhile.  Besides seeming fruitless, it’s also difficult to keep the count.   Eventually, I get to the end of the hallway.  I see that the light is pouring around the shape of a door.  I place my hand on the doorknob and push it open.  

I step out through a door into a kitchen.  Not my kitchen, though it’s far fancier and more modern.  I turn and the door has closed behind me.  I call out.  Hoping that anyone can hear me.  That someone will answer.  There are four closed doors here.  I hear nothing as well.  No sounds from the street.  There’s a glass sliding door leading out to a patio.  I pull it open and walk through it.  There’s the flash of light.  

When my vision clears, I’m staring at a wall that’s a dark blue color.  This isn’t a room in my house.  I smell something terrible.  I turn around.  

There’s a woman on the bed before me.  She’s clearly dead and has been for some time.  Something has gotten at her.  Her body is opened, something ate into her stomach.  The body has been made ragged from bites.  The eyes are gone. There’s so much blood on the floor and walls.  My bare feet are soaked by it.  I’ll have to remember to clean them when I get back home.  If I get back home.  A foot is gone as well.  

This isn’t how she died though.  There’s a peaceful smile on her face.  A bottle of pills on the nightstand.  She must have OD’d before she was ripped her open.  I bend over and vomit onto the floor.  There’s almost nothing left in the my stomach.  Only black bile came out.  When the sickness subsides I open and close the door a few times until I get back to the kitchen.  

I look around.  There’s no dog bowl in the kitchen.  Something else got to her.  I open up the cabinets and fridge and take what I can to restore my own food reserves.  Putting as many cans and boxes into a pair of reusable bags.  When that’s done, I know that I need to get out of here.  I riffle through the drawers and I eventually find a screwdriver.  I take the door off the hinges and see that the hallway remains.  I look around.  There’s no reason for me to return here. 

I start walking down the hallway again.  I’m halfway through when I hear the noise behind me.  I turn around and the light of the kitchen has been replaced by some other shape.  Something huge, scraping the ceiling of the hallway.  I hear a growling and I start running.  I can’t tell if that’s the beast that feasted on that unknown woman.  I hit the door in front of me and push it open.  I slam it behind me and press my body against it.  I hear something hit on the other side of it.  The door just about shakes off of its hinges.  I hear scratching and scraping on the other side.  A roar of something that sounds enormous reverberates through me.  Eventually, it stops.  

I wonder if the monster is lost in the limbo of the closed doors or if it’s simply decided to stop and wait for me.  I wonder if I was to repeat the removal of a door if the monster would be there.  It doesn’t matter.  That was only one of the plans anyway.  I still have the other.  I’ve been thinking about tunneling out through the basement.  I look out my window to check on the other threat.  The man still stands and stares at my house.  Still unseen by those around him.  There are more dead footprints in my grass.  These ones leading around my house in a circle before cutting a new path back to his position.  Did he sense that I had left the house and come looking for me?  Or was he looking for a new means to enter?  Besides the front and back door, there’s the cellar doors.  I had no plan to try and go out through those.  The plan was to tunnel through the basement wall and up into my backyard.  Hopefully, I could make a run to my car or find someone to help me.  Anything to stay away from that dark figure.    

I open and close the doors, still holding onto my axe and pistol, until I get to the kitchen.  I eat a fair amount of food and then put the rest away.  I cycle the rooms again until I get back upstairs to my hallway.  I pick up the tools and cycle the doors again.  Making sure to open a different room than the guest room in case the monster is there.  I see the basement stairs and am about to go down when I hear something.  A thudding, powerful noise.  It draws closer.  It’s then that I see the monster that pursued me.  It’s about one and a half times as tall as I am.  It’s head scrapes against the ceiling of the basement.  Its body shaped like a bull dog.  It stops and sniffs with an invisible nose.  Then it turns and I see its face.  A cyclops, one red eye with a yellow pupil and black iris.  Its mouth is vertical and full of sharp teeth.  It lets out with the same guttural roar it did when I denied it before. 

Without thinking, I pull the pistol from the back of my pants.  I fire through the entire magazine as it comes pounding up the wooden stairs towards me.  They crack and scream under its weight.  The bullets either go wide in my panic or strike the creature and do nothing.  When hammer falls on nothing and the gun clicks, I back up.  The monster makes a desperate leap for me but I slam the door.  I wonder if it’s now cycling through just like the rooms.  If I’ll open a door and it’ll be in my kitchen or bedroom.  I pull the spare magazine out of my pocket and reload.  I keep a round chambered.  

I’m still in my kitchen with all the doors closed.  I take a deep breath and pull a door open.  It opens to my living room.  I lie on the couch and think about what to do.  It connects to my front hallway without a door, so I make my way upstairs.  The last thing I want to do is spend more time on the bottom floor when the man across the street can get to me.  I know I have to cycle the doors.  I have to find out where the monster is.  The despairing part of me, knows that it doesn’t matter.  That whatever forces are at work could easily kill me at any moment.  Changing the rulesn  to suit their needs.  I cycle the doors, finding nothing in my bathroom, bedroom or kitchen.  It’s then that I think that the doors are still operating on their own bizarre logic.  The monster never went through the door.  It’s stuck in the basement.  Which means that my plan is now untenable.  I get to a window.  The smiling man is still in his position.  As far as I know everything is in its right place.  

I turn on the TV for the static.  The white noise begins but after a few minutes I start hearing the strange upticks in pitch.  It happens in frequently at first but then it begins in quick succession.  The sound is hard to place at first.  A high pitched thud like a heartbeat.  It then begins to go higher until it’s true nature is apparent.  Laughter.  Some strange male voice laughing heartily.  It rises until the voice is nearly shrieking.  I cover my ears to keep it out but this does nothing.  The laughter goes on for long minutes.  Near as I can tell it’s only one voice.  Finally, it subsides and I hear the voice ta ke several gulping breaths.  It then says in a voice that sounds like it has a smile on its face.  

We’re just getting started here, sports fan.  

A few more seconds of laughter and the TV returns to the ambient white noise.  My heart is pounding in my chest.  I’ve gripped the axe until my knuckles go white.  I’m thinking of splitting the TV in two.  Is that the voice of the smiling man?  He laughed as well but that sounded like dried leaves and cancerous lungs.  A wheeze as much as anything.  This was the robust laughter of the mad man.  There was still a throat that could be pained and bloodied from the laughter’s intensity.  Who or whatever that voice was.  That was the voice of my enemy.  I know that in my heart.  

I think about that woman.  The way that she went.  Perhaps it was easier than continuing to try and live.  I’ll never know if she was in the same situation as I was.  Maybe she saw that dog or the man.  She couldn’t handle it.  Wanted to get away from it.  On her own terms.  That sounds nice.  Hell, it sounds great to even think about.  Denying them their dark victory.  Let them have my body but I’ll be far away.  The next time I reach for the gun I’ll use it on myself.  Not waste the bullets on them.  They don’t deserve them.  I laugh for the first time in days.  I must truly be going insane.  

I think about the hole in the wall.  Still the only lasting damage that I’ve been able to do to the house.  I wonder if instead of opening doors, I could go through a wall.  I knock about the wall, hoping to make sure that I don’t hit a load bearer.  I slam the axe into the wall.  The reaction is almost instantaneous.  A scream from an unknown source rips my mind apart with its force.  Its a low pitched wailing thing.  Wordless and ancient feeling.  The house begins to shake.  An earthquake born not from a fault line but something else.  I remove the axe from the wall and everything stops.  The house didn’t like that, is as near an explanation as I can find.  The TV snaps on and the laughter starts again.  I go to it and try to turn it off.  The buttons no longer work.  After about two minutes of the noise, my frustration grows to its zenith and I slam the axe into the TV.  It never stops.  As the pieces of the screen shatter and hit the floor, they continue to show static.  The laughter continues to fill my room.  It continues for a long time.  The voice won’t speak to me anymore but the laughter is bad enough.  I can’t close my ears to it.

Hours pass and the laughter reverberates through the house.  Moving to a different room helps but not by much.  The living room TV turns on and the laughter keeps going.  It’s making it impossible to think.  I scream at the TV.  Demanding answers until my voice goes ragged.  There’s no answer from the cacophony of sound.  

Eventually, I make my way to my medicine cabinet and pull out some cotton balls.  I jam them into my ears until it hurts.  Until I can’t hear anything anymore.  I collapse onto my bed.  The night wears on.  The laughter continuing without stop.  Now just a dull sound through the cotton.  At some point, my body refuses to be awake anymore.  I fall asleep.  I awaken when the sun comes into my eyes.  The laughter is continuing.  I look out the window to do my morning check.  

The smiling man is gone.  

 I pull the gun from my back pocket.  I push open the bedroom door and for once it opens directly to my second floor hallway.  I push open the door to my guest room.  It opens to my guest room.  I move down the hall and open up the door to my bathroom.  It opens to my bathroom.  I go downstairs.  I make my way through the house in two circuits.  The doors are staying open now.  What is happening.  Nothing has changed in regards to the laughter.  It’s still screeching throughout the house.  

Where is the smiling man?  

It’s then that I realize.  I know where he’s been the whole time.  

I turn around.  The smiling man looks down at me.  I point the gun at him and he slaps it out of my hands with ease.  I run.  Blind panic.  I turn a corner into another hallway.  I pull open a door.  

I fall through the broken staircase.  My body being ripped apart by the shreds of it.  When I do hit the floor and feel my arm and leg break against the stone, I’m already bloodied and full of splinters.  I’m gasping through the pain.  

I look and see the creature in the corner of the basement.  It turns towards me, sniffing with its unknown nose.  I think that at least this is a small mercy.  My death will be a physical, finite thing.  A few agonizing second of pain and then nothing.  

The creature doesn’t see the man until it’s too late.  He’s standing beside it.  Still smiling.  The laughter still pouring in from upstairs.  Then he dips his hands into the creature.  There’s no other word for it.  The smoothness of the breaking of that creature’s skin.  The way that they come out covered in blood and flesh with ease.  The creature howls in pain.  The man drives his hands now into it fully and it never appears that he has anymore effort than putting his hands in water.  The creature dies ugly.  Spasming on the floor as blood pours from its mouth.  The man then turns to me.  There’s no escape now.  I’ve lost my race.  

The man grabs me by my unbroken leg.  He starts dragging me towards the cellar doors.  My future is one only of pain and torture.  I start thinking about my house.  How it kept me safe and I violated its sanctity with my axe.  

We’ve reached the cellar steps now.  My head throbs with pain every time it bumps one of them.  The door opens to sunlight and an unknown future.  The laughter from the house has reached a crescendo.  Filling every part of my consciousness.  

A big fuzzy Rubik’s cube

What you see before you is a good portion of my knitting supplies. Twisted into knots and generally a big mess. There is a simple solution to this, which would be to cut it off at the ends and just absorb the loss. There’s an obvious reason not to do that, which would be waste.

But the real reason is because I just enjoy unraveling it. It’s just another puzzle like jigsaws or Rubik’s cube. The reason I think I’ve always liked these kinds of things is because it gives me the act of putting something right. Returning something to its original form. The way it’s supposed to be.

The same satisfying feeling as when you finish cleaning your house or something else like that. Everything in its Right Place as Radiohead would say. I’m going to work on it until it’s done and I have a big basket of yarn balls. There are still ten more seasons of X-files I need to watch.

My mind has become a lot clearer since I moved out on my own, so I think I’m going to try and make amigurumi dolls again. I’ve never had the clarity to do so before. I’ll keep you updated on how that goes.

Something I thought about Casino Royale

I think that Daniel Craig is one of the best James Bonds because he hates the character and that comes through his performance of it. But there is one thing that suddenly bothered me about his appearance in Casino Royale, which I think overall is a good movie.

There’s a scene where the bad guy played by Mads Mikkelson tricks him into losing everything. Bond stares at the cards for a long time then gets up, grabs a knife and starts stalking after Mads. He tells his associate to get Eva Green out of the hotel.

This is because he plans to messily murder Mads with that knife. Blowing their cover and the entire mission. He’s only stopped by the CIA agent who tells him that he has not just English money but American money for him to lose.

This can only be seen as James Bond having a giant sulk and deciding to throw a tantrum. The only problem is that his tantrum would have probably ended up with him killed because he decided to slice up a man instead of use his gun. And Mads would have probably still ended up with the money.

Also at the end of the movie, James slides the dealer one of his big old betting tablets that equals about 500 thousand or one million dollars. I am all for tipping service workers but that money was supposed to go somewhere else. That could have put money in the mouths of a lot of different people.

And you might be saying “Frank, Taylor Swift gave her crew over 178 million dollars in bonuses during the Eras Tour.” My response to that is that is money she earned, to do with as she liked. It was not money that was going to go to the public, which is what the money James Bond had just won was going to do.

It just feels a little irresponsible. Both to give away one million dollars and to send this giant crybaby on a mission.

Here’s Victoria Coren Mitchell also dog piling on what an asshole James Bond is. Unlike James she didn’t need her opponent to bleed from his eyes to win several poker championships.

My friends ruined Baldur’s Gate 3 for me

This is going to be a post where I complain about something that I’m very lucky to have, which is a consistent DND group. I know for a lot of people, it’s something they can only wish for.

We’ve been playing together for about nine years, maybe more. People have come and gone but we’ve been pretty consistent for the most part. Considering how long I’ve been playing this game, you could say I have a particular fondness for it. So, when the money was right, I picked up Baldur’s Gate 3 because it was just more DND. I should have loved it.

I started playing it and got through the introduction off of the mind flayer’s ship and started assembling my party. It’s fun and a well made game. The story seems like it’s going to be engrossing. I’ve heard how much people love these characters.

But I found myself after two hours in, starting to get tired of it. I wasn’t disliking playing it but I just couldn’t get myself over the hill on it. I went back to playing Skyrim and modding the hell out of that when it hit me.

It wasn’t what DND is to me.

DND is a collaborative storytelling tool that everyone gets to get a hand on. And the hands that add to my stew are not expert but they know how to make that stew tasty as hell.

I won’t name names but I have one that I call Big Moves because throughout our current campaign, she has consistently made moves that have made me have to upend everything I’ve done. I showed them this portal that would take them to a different world where they could do things. She thought that no one should have that much power and blew it the hell up. The person creating the portal is now an enemy.

Did it annoy and shock me at the time? Of course, but it opens up new opportunities for me.

Then we have our resident murderhobo who I rolled a random encounter and they immediately robbed him. They took the salted beef and onions he had. Mostly out of spite for not having better things. She has blown up her fellow adventurers on multiple occasions.

Then we have the guy who I’ve turned into John Hammond and his ex into Ian Malcolm as they argue about the ethics of cloning and DNA manipulation. He has a suit made of flowers that acts like Iron Man armor.

Then we have the Luxodon dominatrix/inventor who has recently decided to multiclass into bard and use the language of dance to showcase their bardic abilities. Her mom is Dolly Parton from the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Why? Don’t worry about it. She has flying sex toys that she uses to attack people.

We have the Haregon ninja assassin who tried to swim into a shark’s mouth and got chomped in half when he rolled a nat 1 on his dexterity check. He got better.

Finally, we have a tabaxi cleric that tries desperately to get them to act civilly. It hasn’t worked.

I gave them this airship:

So, cool.

They named it the Good Ship Lollipop.

For me, I think the problem with Baldur’s Gate 3 is that it reflects a future that I don’t want. One where I’m playing DND without these people. When I play it, I just miss my friends.

From the World of John Wick: Ballerina Review

The new John Wick movie came out but it’s not starring Keanu Reeves as John Wick. He’s there but he’s more of a supporting character. It’s still a tale of revenge but instead of it being about a cute puppy and cool car, it’s the more generic “my name is Eve Macarro you killed my father prepare to die” variety. I think as a John Wick movie it stands up to the rest of them but just like the fourth one, I found myself a little fatigued by the end of it. There’s just so much violence.

You might be saying, that’s the point, it’s a John Wick film, that’s kind of the point. But the first John Wick film had very clean violence. They’ve become more brutal as they’ve gone on and I think it’s all for the worst.

I was admittedly coming into this film with a rather negative outlook. I didn’t enjoy the fourth John Wick film, mostly because it had the problems of being way too long and there was a twenty minute sequence where people just won’t let John Wick walk up some stairs to get to the end of the film. It was slow and boring. It didn’t have any of the style that the other parts did.

The plot of Ballerina is that Ana de Armas’ character, Eve, is trying to avenge her father’s murder at the hands of group of killers. She joins a criminal organization pretending to be a ballerina she’s trained to become a killer-protector. She runs into a former member of this group whose trying to protect his daughter and when he’s incapacitated and his daughter taken, Eve sets out to find the girl and get revenge.

Ballerina didn’t really surprise me except in a few points, though it did improve my feelings towards the series on a whole. Firstly, I think Ana de Armas carries this film throughout and works as an action star. They don’t sexualize her character that much, she’s wearing a dress with a long slit in her first mission but after that she’s completely covered. They make a point that she’s smaller and weaker than most of the male opponents she’s going to have to face. They adapt her fighting style to that and she manages quite well.

It also does something fun with a lot of tried and true concepts in action films. She’s leaving a mission and we get a long shot of her car pulling away. Suddenly, her car is T-boned and pushed backwards and the camera pans down to show the gunfight. It’s an amazing shot.

Secondly, we’re so used to gun shop scenes where someone is showing off the hardware that the character is going to use throughout the rest of the film. This is usually a safe space but suddenly, Eve and the gun shop owner are attacked. I thought that was a good undermining of stereotypes and trope. The fight is one of the more brutal ones considering it’s mostly made up of grenade kills.

Then comes the flamethrower, which I was not a fan of. Watching people flail around burning is not fun. There’s a reason that these weapons are considered war crimes by the Geneva convention. There’s a point where her opponent who also has a flamethrower, his leg catches on fire and he uses his flaming leg to kick at her. It’s so goofy but kind of fun. Then we get a fire hose vs flamethrower fight and there’s no other way I can put this but it’s a Dragonball Z beam struggle.

The thing is, I think that this movie missed a big chance to have her father’s killer be John Wick. I think it would fit into the concept of the world that John Wick has to suffer for the things that he’s done. The two could come to terms with the lives they both live. I understand why they did it this way, is because they need to have Eve have an enemy that they can build a franchise around.

It also shows that Eve is not that good of a person. She doesn’t particularly care about the girl instead focusing on her own mission. I think that that’s a fun characterization for her as an assassination and adds a new depth to her character’s worldview.

Overall, I think it was a pretty good film that deserves a watch. Maybe do a double feature with Sinners.

It’s Time to End This

Okay, are you fucking ready? Are you fucking ready? I CAN’T HEAR YOU IN THE BACK. BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO GET REAL. IT’S TIME FOR AN UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH.

The default state of the toilet is seat down.

To make it as simple as I can. It’s just polite to put it back down and if you feel a certain kind of way about having to put it back down, maybe wash your hands and it won’t fucking matter.

Secondly, having the seat down makes you ready for anything. Seat up, you only can take care of one kind of business.

This was going to be a much longer article where I got way more into detail about it. I just wanted to put this on the map. Draw my line in the sand and tell people to challenge me with it.

You’ll never win. I will die on this hill. Seat down. The seat wants to rest the same way you do when you’re inside of there.

Let’s talk about the Elephant in the room

The elephant is not my terrible update consistency recently, which is something that I need to work on. But I’m going to work on it and fix it. Instead, I want to talk about a different Elephant.

For readers of this blog, you’ll know that I’m trying to listen to at least one hundred albums I haven’t listened to before. One of the benefits besides finding new music is that I’ve been listening to more music than I have recently. It’s helped me move away from my habit of rewatching videos that I’ve seen a thousand times.

However, now that I’m writing this, I realize that I’m just listening to songs that I’ve heard a thousand times before. To be fair, I don’t listen to that much Dreamtheater so the time sink isn’t that much. Maybe three or four minutes.

And while I feel like I’m wasting my time rewatching the same videos, listening to the same songs makes me feel like a warm blanket is being wrapped around me. It reminds me of different times, not always the best but… different.

To that end, while I was on my walk I started listening to tracks from the White Stripes’ Elephant. It reminded me how good that album is from start to finish. So, I decided in a new segment to break down every track on the album and my feelings on it.

  1. Seven Nation Army
    I mean, come on, it’s the hit. The biggest hit of the White Stripes’ history. It starts with that sneaky guitar sounding like a bass. It then cuts into some excellent solos as Jack rides up and down the octaves like he’s surfing. I know that he used a Digitech whammy pedal that he would eventually develop his own dual version of later down the line. There’s not much to say about it except that it makes perfect sense that it became staple at sporting events and was going to be a possible James Bond movie opening. Jack would later do an intro to Quantum of Solace with Alicia Keys, which was the only good thing about that movie.
  2. Black Math
    This is classic White Stripes. A song that features roaring guitars and the childhood nostalgia that makes up a lot of their songs like Apple Blossom and I Can Tell That We’re Gonna Be Friends. This one features another octave blazing solo before Jack comes back in with a tempo and melody change. He brings it home towards the end. I used to be able to play this on the guitar and it was so fun.
  3. There’s No Home For You Here
    One of the best breakup songs ever written in my opinion. It feels so dispassionate but personal in the way that most relationships feel at the end. “I’m only waiting for the proper time to tell you that it’s impossible to get along with you”. Dang that’s cold. The thing is that the choral parts of this is that the album was recorded at a studio that featured lo-fi throwback equipment. It was recorded all on eight tracks with nothing pass the year 1963. So, while on a normal laptop this would take mere minutes, this effect was a lot of work.
  4. I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself
    This is a cover of a Dusty Springfield song and it just goes to show the timelessness of Burt Bacharach’s writing. It’s a solid song but I just don’t have that much to say about it. It’s just a straight forward cover. Confusingly, the video had Kate Moss pole dancing in her drawers. I don’t understand, did we both have too much money to book her and run out of money to do anything bigger?
  5. In the Cold, Cold Night
    Meg takes the stage on this one. Famously shy, her voice never gets that big or wild. But she that fits the song better in my opinion. The lyrics point out that she’s still a girl on the edge of womanhood trying to fall for a man that’s bad for her. Pretty classic setup and a reverse of male rock stars complaining that the girl is only 17 but they can’t wait that long because they’re pedophiles. There are no drums and the guitar is sparse as well. There is a solo in this but it’s a rumbling organ that brings some extra texture to the song.
  6. I Want to be the Boy to Warm Your Mother’s Heart
    This is my favorite track on what’s already a great album. The song features the most piano work on the entire album. The song is about the narrator trying to win over his partner’s mother. As we get through the song we do get a warm and buttery guitar solo. It’s a great song through and through.
  7. You’ve Got Her in Your Pocket
    This is what I would say is the weakest song on the album. It’s not that bad but it does take the album out of all killer, no filler. It’s just kind of slow and boring and there’s no Meg White on it. Skip.
  8. Ball and Biscuit
    Sometimes if you’re one of the greatest guitarists in recent memory you need a song that you can just let loose on. White Stripes were notorious for jamming during shows. This just gave Jack the excuse. The lyrics are probably the most suggestive that I’ve heard from the White Stripes. Jack White cooing if I want a ball and a biscuit. Plus, he wants to get clean with me. You know what that means, wink. This song rules, it’s one of the longest at about eight minutes but the whole thing is worth listening to.
  9. Hardest Button to Button
    The White Stripes had an early single called Hand Springs about getting angry while playing pinball. It was fairly simple, a single chord played during the verses and then some variation in between. This has a similar feel, thumping guitar and drums but as the song goes up and down throughout. The video for this is great where amps and drums appear as the two play. Apparently, Jack White didn’t like the concept that the video director, Michel Gondry put forth so, he started messing with the takes. Michel thinks it actually made the video better. They donated the amps and drum sets to a music school afterwards. The Stripes have a knack for making something simple into something incredible. That partly explains Meg’s drumming. You don’t need much for songs this good.
  10. Little Acorns
    A song with audio from some kind of ancient self help movie talking about Janet learning from the squirrels, which is a line I would put in as a joke most other places. This intro makes me think about the Union Forever, a song from White Blood Cells where Jack took lines from Citizen Kane and turned them into one of their best songs. It’s also because this song has a kind of darker feel towards it. Kind of oppressive.
  11. Hypnotize
    If Little Acorns is dark and oppressive, Hypnotize is lighthearted and playful. Reminds of a song from the sixties, just frolicking and getting to the point. No complicated solos here, just between the two verses we’re going to hit that fuzz pedal and hit you with some E chords.
  12. The Air Near My Fingers
    I was going to be dismissive of this track as not one of my favorites but a re-listen made me reconsider. This one features something new, both organ and guitar being played at the same time, this rarely happened on Stripes’ songs because Jack always seemed to keep in mind how he was going to play them live. It would be unthinkable to bring anyone else out on stage, so you never knew what he was going to do with songs like this. Things would change down the line on Get Behind Me Satan and Icky Thump. But at the time, this was a surprise to me. It’s a song that feels like you’re walking down the street with change in your pocket. You got some options and it’s time to have some fun.
  13. Girl, You Have No Faith in Medicine
    Jack has gone on to say that he really doesn’t like this song. I can see why, he’s also taken a fairly feminist route to his songwriting and this one does seem to blame the narrator’s female cohort for a lot of things. It’s still a great song with a great solo in the middle of it. I was going to say that you could slow down the track, switch out the electric guitar for an acoustic and boom you’d have a Johnathon Richman song. But then I thought about it some more and realized that the writer of “The Girl Stands Up to Me Now” and “Not a Plus One on the Guest List Anymore” wouldn’t want to do this either.
  14. It’s True We Love One Another
    A song where Jack and Meg play themselves and sing along with Holly Golightly. The three of them discuss the love between Holly and Jack, with Meg stating that Jack annoys her. Personally, I love songs like this where the singers are basically part of the story. Maybe it’s why I’m such a Swiftie. Anyway, like a lot of the end songs on White Stripes’ albums, it’s a quiet and gentle outro. Between the others, This Protector, Effect and Cause this is one of my favorites.

So, in the end, I have to say still a ten out of ten album. Give it a listen to when you get a chance.

Is Scrabble just reverse crosswords?

I’ve been playing Words with Friends and I really enjoy it. Except for those people/possibly computers that play words right up against other words. Give me some room to work, asshats.

Now, whenever I like something, I like to think about the reasons that I like it. It helps me figure out what I can make that other people like. Because I’m a normal person that enjoys normal things in normal ways.

So, I started thinking about Words With Friends and that led me to Scrabble and that made me think, is Scrabble just reverse crosswords? I love crosswords and am I just building the weirdest one in the world?

Like check that out, you could just easily turn that into a crossword puzzle. What if I’ve cracked the code and that’s how crosswords have been made for years. Two people playing Scrabble and then they’re like, “Fuck it, good enough. Send it to the Times.”

I know that’s not true. Puzzlemasters are probably much smarter than me. I’m sure that they put in a lot more work than I could even imagine.

Writing Update

I’ve been gone for the last two weeks for a variety of reasons that are more uninteresting than you would expect. But there is something in my life that I think is happening.

I’m going forward with self publishing my first collection of short stories, A Heartbeat in the Darkness. I got the cover from a very good artist and I’m really looking forward to putting it out there. One of the stories will be on my fiction Friday.

As I finish up editing and writing the last stories for it, I’m kind of nervous. I’ve never put myself forth like this before. I recently put out a story and it got slammed by a bunch of people online. It was in a genre that I didn’t really write in before. I have to say that it shooke me a little bit. I’ve never gotten feedback like that.

But I think I’ve learned my lesson. I need to get thicker skin. If I’m going to be on the internet, I need to make sure that I can handle anything. Eventually, I’m probably going to be getting death threats for some of my opinions and writings. What’s that saying, if you’re not pissing off certain shitty people then are you really doing the right thing?

Anyway, I just thought I would give this update on my life. I think my collection is going to be great and hopefully it’ll be really spooky.

The First Ten Albums of the Year

So, if you’ve followed this blog from last year, I try and listen to at least 100 albums I’ve never listened to before. I didn’t have time to break down my feelings on each one so I decided to break them up into ten articles as I get through them. So, here are the first ten.

  1. Charli XCX- Brat

I’ve never been to the club but I feel like this is what it would feel like. Fun, upbeat, sexy, but with a certain sadness when you get into the dark corners and the lights start to dim at the end of the night. Charli brings the attitude along with her talent on every song. The only reason I don’t remember the songs better than I do is because I listened to this on New Year’s Day after a wild night of making tacos and going to bed early. A solid album.

2. Jeff Buckley- Grace

A classic album and for a reason. There’s nothing but heartfelt vulnerability here and of course, the career defining cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. They talk about fidelity and ideal ways to listen to albums. I feel like the way I’m supposed to listen to this album is while I’m comforting Jeff Buckley and he’s singing into a microphone on my chest while he cries.

3. Simon and Garfunkel- Bridge Over Troubled Water

Look at these two nerds that sing like angels. This is a well worn sweater of an album with finger picking that sounds like a mountain stream and vocal harmonies that would make the Beach Boys envious. The two are masters and this is them at the height of their power.

4. Beth May- Sunday Scaries

I knew Beth May from her work with Dungeons and Daddies and checked out her poetry book, The Immortal Soul Salvage-Yard. I listened to that album because I knew that I wanted to hear the poetry as Beth thought it should be. These poems are expert wordplay on top of heartbreaking topics such as womanhood and mental health and how the two intertwine and both cause damage.

5. and 6. Sebadoh- Bakesale and Secret EP

I was out for a walk and listened to these two back to back. The first bakesale was released in 1994 and is just some good solid 90s grunge-y rock. Great riffs and arrangements all the way through. Nearly twenty years later we get the Secret EP that shows that the band has grown and embraced modern influences but still has that grunge ethos along for the ride. Good to hear just some normal guitar rock.

7. Bjork- Debut

Okay this one has to come with a disclaimer. I really liked it. But I’m a bit weird and Bjork’s very weird and we kind of clicked that way. It’s a really good album. But it’s really weird. Just give it a shot. Please. Do it for Bjork.

8. Garbage- Not Your Kind of People

Shirley Manson is going to go down as one of the most underrated singers of our generation. She has consistently put out solid work with Garbage. She embraces the outsider but unlike others who use that as a reason to be turn away from the mainstream, she stands in defiance of it. She truly doesn’t sound like she gives a shit about me. The eponymous song tells me that’s exactly it. Synth rock/pop for those that love good music.

9. Beck- The Information

Fuck. I really wanted to like this album. Both when it first came out and now. Age didn’t help it. The thing is that if this was any other band, it would be amazing. But this is Beck. Odelay. Sea Change. Guero. Midnite Vultures. Mutations. All of them, solid, solid albums. So, that’s why this one left me kind of cold. Sorry, buddy. You’re still my favorite, Beck.

10. The Hives- Barely Legal

Do you like bratty punk rock? Do you like fun songs? Do you like bands playing as fast as they can? That’s what this album is. It’s the intro to what would eventually be an amazing run of albums.