Tag Archives: mental-health

A Farewell

I hadn’t updated this blog in quite a while. I just haven’t had the heart to do so. It’s because a friend of mine has passed away recently. I won’t get into the details. I won’t say his name because I want the family to have their privacy. I know I’m not popular enough for a bunch of people to try and find them but you never know.

The death was sudden. We didn’t see it coming. He was there one day. I was texting him about when the next time we were going to hang was and then I got a text message from his mother that he was in the hospital. I went to see him that night. I heard the news and said my goodbyes. He was gone by that Saturday.

As I said, I don’t want to talk about the details. But I will talk about who he was as a person. He was a man that had been put into an absolutely terrible situation. One that would cause any other person to feel rage or anger. Him on the other hand, he was always patient, always kind. He had lost his father when he was much younger, when we were teens. When my own passed, I told him I guess we’re in the same shitty club.

I’m reminded of a line from Cold Mountain, where Stobrod sees the grave of Pangle. “If God was to set out killing every man on earth in order of their demerits, that boy would bring up the hind end of the line.” It’s suitable for him. He was kind, always. He was gentle, always. He loved his nieces and nephews. He loved his family. He loved everyone.

He had a love of movies that I think was more of an extension of that love. I think that he was just interested in people and their stories. Because of that, I constantly think about the movies I’m going to see and how we won’t be able to talk about them. The shows we were watching that I have to finish on my own.

It hits me in bits and pieces. I think it’s going to start hitting me more as time goes on. When I come down to visit my mom and I know that I’m not going to go see him. It hasn’t happened yet because of holidays, which always screwed up our hang out schedule as well as it’s only been about two weeks.

I don’t have much else to say about this. Usually when I make posts that aren’t about the stupid nerd shit that I like, I offer some kind of way forward. Some little thing that you and I can do to make our lives a little bit better. I don’t have that.

Grief is like nothing else. There is no path but forward. No way but through. It’s a vast ocean that you float in and have to keep your head over water. The waves will hit you and you will feel yourself get overwhelmed. But if you kick your legs and fight to live and honor the people you loved. You’ll get to shore.

Stagnation

For the last three years, I’ve been trying to move out of my old apartment to finally live on my own. I’m not upset by the amount of time it took, I liked living with the various roommates I’ve had throughout the years but now it’s time for me to be on my own. Since I’ve been living on my own, I’m never going back. I will never live with another person again unless I’m in love or that person is need.

However, my last big endeavor was getting my degree in IT. I did that and that led to the job I have now and my moving out on my own.

Over the weekend, I was enjoying Star Trek: Lower Decks and doing puzzles. I finished with that and started to go into my room to play some Persona 3. It was then that I stopped myself and thought. I don’t have an actual goal. In that moment, I felt so lost and afloat.

Fortunately, several decades of therapy have prepared me for moments like this. I thought about that thought. Where did it come from?

I think it came from the idea that I was stagnating. That I wasn’t moving forward anymore. That there was no direction forward.

So, as I played Persona 3 because if I’m not going to figure out Tartarus who is? I thought about the next goal. First, I would like to move forward in my career at some point. Secondly, I would like to go to Maine and to Acadia national park to hike its many trails. For that I would need to train. Thirdly, I would like for someone to read my books and tell me that they like them. Whether that’s self published or through a publishing company.

Even if I hadn’t come up with this, I think that it’s important to have some kind of destination in mind. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to run the race. Just that you have a finish line. Something to go for.

I’ll let you know how this goes. The steps I’m taking, this website being one of them, to get to my various goals.

Okay, I’m back

It’s been about two weeks and I’m fully in my apartment alone, dug in like a tick. Boy, oh boy, do I love it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still on good terms with my old roommates. But there’s just something to be said about coming into my apartment, immediately throwing my pants away and just enjoying having to answer to no one. I’m never going back.

It took me about two days to get my apartment completely in order. I had it all planned out in my head before I started so that helped me get everything in its right place. I have a closet for my hobbies, I have a great utility closet and I have the nest.

The nest is a large futon mattress that I can put up into a little couch or its original mattress form. I did it this way so my bros can come over for sleepovers. The kitchen has the main downside in that the oven is very old and not as good as I wanted. I also don’t control the heat, which is weird.

But a home is like a pet, it’s never perfect but that’s what makes them so special. I’m never going back to living with people until I fall in love with someone.

My mental state just feels so much better too. I have so much more energy and ability to do things. I can’t way to really dig into my hobbies. Last night, I was pushing through my exhaustion to finish a wonderful glitter unicorn puzzle.

I also know that it’s important when living alone to stay social. You can get weird if you’re left alone. Well, I’m kind of getting burned out by people. I’ve been hanging out a lot with people to the point that I could kind of use a break.

If nothing else, I’m going to start doing this blog and it’s only going to get weirder.