Okay, so I know that everyone is at their best during the Lord of the Rings movies. The visual effects artists, writers, directors, actors, extras, costume and prop designers, everyone. Especially that person that made the one orc that looked like Harvey Weinstein that disgusting pervert.
It’s like I’m seeing double!
But my favorite performance in the first movie is Sean Bean as Boromir. He slays through the whole movie. He sells you on his desperation and though there isn’t a huge amount of dialogue for all the characters, he shows you his entire backstory in what few lines he has.
He’s a man, tired of so many things. He has to fight against Mordor constantly and he gets no help and pushed aside even here among his friends. Suddenly, he sees a treasure that he has heard tales about that could make his life so much easier. Anyone would take it. The fact that he made it as far as he did was a thing of wonder.
Even beyond that, there’s just so much to like. He spars with Merry and Pippin and is concerned when he might have hurt them, he puts a comforting hand on Gimli’s shoulder when Gimli finds his relative dead and has to inform Gandalf that continuing over the mountain will kill the hobbits. When Gandalf is gone, he comforts Frodo and asks that they have a moment to grieve. He treats them a bit like children because maybe that’s how he sees them. It makes you wish he had some of his own…
It’s not just in these moments of kindness that Sean Bean shines. There’s a moment when they’re defending the Mines of Moria where he goes to look out the doors when they hear the orcs approaching. He reports back to the others that they have a cave troll. But he does it in a tone that’s almost like “They have a cave troll, fits perfectly in my week, I tell ya.”
When he gives into the ring’s corruption, it’s not even evil or megalomaniacal. He’s desperate. He immediately regrets it and does his best to save Merry and Pippin. Several arrows thud into him and he dies with his king, Aragorn.
It’s easy to see how this got him Ned Stark in Game of Thrones. They’re similar roles and characters though I think that Boromir is a bit better person.
This is how you write a sympathetic character. This is how you write a betrayal that hurts. You weep for Boromir. You wish he could see home again. To lie among his people. But he won’t. One final heartbreak for a hero.
(This is a preview of one of the stories that’s going to be in my collection of horror stories entitled A Heartbeat in the Darkness.)
It was an unfortunate thing that most people were happy about the missing child posters. Though they would never say such a thing to the distraught parents. They would place their hands on their arms and say it was such a tragedy and they were in their thoughts. Meanwhile saying good riddance behind their backs at various social functions. The one bit of sorrow was that their older daughter still wandered the streets putting up the signs. A hopeless endeavor. It made them sad because she was a good girl, so different than her brother. People liked her. Maybe if they had liked him a little bit more. He wouldn’t have turned out this way.
Or maybe he just needed a firmer hand than his parents had been willing to use. At least that’s what the Pince sisters thought. Two older women who had relaxed into a life of retirement with a nice little nest egg. He was their current house guest. Wasn’t he just so fine now, sitting in their living room across from them. Serving them tea. His smile so much better than that nasty look he had on his face at all times before. Constantly frowning, constantly smirking and giving people the finger. What a naughty little boy he had been.
They had fixed it. It had taken quite a bit of work but they had fixed it. Just like that they had so many times in the past. They had this down to a perfect science. He would be their house guest for as long as they could keep him. Not that anyone ever left by choice.
Night came and so the two sisters retired up to bed. Leaving him downstairs by himself. One of them gave a quick flick to the machinery on the wall. It spun and the resulting slackening was near instantaneous.
The young man’s arms fell to his sides, his mouth finally fell away from the rictus smile that it had been forced into throughout the day. It was hard to decide which was the worse pain. The ones in his arms, mouth or in his cut achilles tendons. The rings that had been sewn into his skin and then laced with fine piano wires ached. He was made uncomfortable by the IVs that fed him as there was no longer any use for his super glued together teeth.
He sat like a doll that had been left in the corner. His body limp and useless. There was no escape. No way to get out of here. He remembered the day that he had broken in here. Looking for something of value to steal and sell. How he hadn’t heard the one sister behind him before she struck him with the encyclopedia. Knocking him unconscious. Where had she gotten that strength?
He had woken up this way. Covered in the rings. His jaw clamped together. They had kept him like a toy ever since. That had been months ago. He assumed that they had killed their husbands. Were living off the life insurance policies. How else could they have afforded this?
He slept fitfully this night and every night. His body wrapped up in its various pains and discomforts. The next morning, he rose with the sun in his eyes. But the women weren’t there. He couldn’t hear them. The day passed. The IVs ran dry. Still no sign of them. There hadn’t been a day when they hadn’t come down to torture him and play out their sick fantasy so what had happened?
Night came again. He wondered if this was some trick. If they were going to come back and hurt him in some way. He sat. A second day and night passed. No sign of them. By the third morning, he figured that they had died in their sleep two days ago. Good riddance, you god damn monsters, he thought. He knew he had to go now. He knew there was only way to exit.
Okay, so things have happened in your life that you now own a transit van. It has no windows in the backends because people aren’t supposed to be there. There might be people back there because you’re going to a gig you’re roadie-ing or you need to get them across state lines or just because you’re moving house. Anyway, the back is going to be unimpressive unless you expect some action back there.
A friend once told me upon seeing one of the American Ninja Warriors that lived in a van, that she was past that part of her life to hook up with someone in the back of their van. Another friend said she wasn’t. So, you’re going to have a 50-50 chance if people are ready to rock back there. If you’re attracted to men, you don’t have to worry because if real life and horror movies have taught me in anything, men will walk into a bathtub of used syringes if it means that they can get some action.
Anyway, I’m getting away from the subject at hand. You own a transit van. You need something on the side of it. It’s going to showcase that you listen to some form of heavy metal. Well, here’s my advice for your custom van based on what I would do.
Shirtless Barbarian/Female Barbarian in a Fur Bikini
A classic of the genre. You’re going to have a dude who seems vaguely viking in attire except for his completely impractical attire. Why wouldn’t he wear some form of armor? Because he’s too fucking hardcore and too good at fighting. That’s why he doesn’t need any armor. What is he a wuss? A NERD?!
Anyway, he’s going to be holding a sword aloft. Lightning may or may not be striking the sword depending on how magical he is. Dealer’s choice on that one.
He may have a pretty lady, bikini clad, tugging on his leg. But you might have noticed I gave you an option of either/or. Bikini or shirtless barbarians. That’s where we’re going get ’em. Hit ’em with something they didn’t expect. Bikini barbarian holding a sword aloft and shirtless buff viking holding onto her leg. Put the dude in a bikini. Fuck it. Go nuts. Life is too short.
2. Giant Cobra
This cobra is going to be showing off. Full fangs. Full hood. He’s going to be some sick ass colors like purple and black. There may be lightning behind him. It’s what you’re willing to put up. But yeah, no fuss, no muss. Just a massive cobra looking cool as hell.
3. Wizard
The longest white beard, the robes of the darkest blue and shooting lightning from his hands. You might have noticed through this list, that I’ve mentioned lightning so many times. Why not fire? Why not wind? Because we’re not going to make the guy with the spray nozzle work hard. We’re going to have him make some crackling lines and that’s it.
4. Unicorns
That ‘s’ isn’t a typo. We’re going to have two unicorns. They’re going to be facing each other. They’re going to be crossing horns as if they’re in battle or love. You decide. Their coloring is going to be the purest white. There’s going to be a lens flare at the end of each horn. Whose going to be on each unicorn? Well….
5. A Knight Playing an Electric Guitar
The knight is going to be in full armor. Unlike the barbarians, we’re not going to see a single shred of skin. He is going to be absolutely shredding on a flying V guitar. The coolest looking most uncomfortable guitar to play. Can’t play it sitting down. There’s going to a half cloak over his shoulder. It’s going to be sick as fuck.
6. Words
Let’s throw on a catchphrase.
“Man with a van and NO PLAN”
“Comes to pick you up whenever you call one of those for a good time call numbers on a bathroom stall”
“This van is gender inclusive but we gonna make out”
“Ass, gas or grass? More like class, class or class. You’re going to either teach me something, play DND with me or have a fancy tea party”
“This van ramps over everything”
7. Red Tailed Hawk
Okay, I know you might saying, Frank, you’re a patriot. You love your country. Why wouldn’t you throw on a bald eagle? Well, because as much as I love my country, I love Animorphs more. So, we’re going to represent the eyes in the sky, Tobias. God, that name is so cool.
How many eyes of enemies have bald eagles ripped out to save the world? I can’t think of that many. Tobias has blinded so many people to make sure that they didn’t have to kill any humans but they still incapacitated them in some way.
Tobias is one of the greatest heroes of literature.
8. A Bald Eagle
Still not for America! The bald eagle was Rachel’s flight morph. So, even if they can’t be together in the books because Rachel died in battle, they can be together on the side of my van.
It still hurts, K.A. It still hurts. But you were right. There was no way she could come back from the war.
9. Any Alien From Animorphs
I was thinking about Animorphs like usual and then remembered how metal the designs were. First, we have the andalites.
Everything about this rules. The six pack abs. The cool scorpion tail. The elf ears. The stalk eyes. The centaur body. Fuck you actual centaurs. This is so much cooler.
The ravenous Taxxon! These things will eat anything. Including each other when they’re killed. I think that’s Rachel behind them? She doesn’t need to be on it. We just need this big bug.
Finally, the hork bajir, the walking razor blade foot soldiers of the Yeerks. And the most metal design of all of them. Look at them. They’re giant bipedal cool dinosaurs.
They also harbor the great tragedies of the war. They’re normally a gentle race that wouldn’t hurt a fly. So, why have all those blades? Because they live on a planet with massive trees and they use all those blades to harvest bark to eat. That’s right, they’re vegetarians.
And once again, the reason Tobias gets on the side of the van is because he made sure that there were free hork bajir for the first time in decades. God bless you, Tobias. The liberator.
10. Giant Clam
This might be a weird come down from the others. I just showed you so many cool aliens. So, why the humble giant clam? Because it contains multitudes. You can put in so many other things. Imagine a clam that opens up to release a bunch of fairies or just some treasure?
That’s the whole point of this is to show you that even the humblest things whether they be van or clam, can contain wonders.
Franklin Cota, an author and podcaster 