Tag Archives: comedy

Random Word Generator Story Time: Extreme

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(I learned this from Paul Robalino on the behind the scenes of Game Changer on Dropout.TV. He talks about using a random word generator and then writing from that word. This time we’re getting EXTREME with the word, extreme.)

What follows is the transcript from the Regional Semifinals for the Radical Race and Extreme Sports Festival presented by Power Jam Juice. When you need to jam some power, you know whose juice to jank.

John: It’s a glorious day today at the local fairgrounds that have been converted for a day of extreme sports and racing. I’m John McJortson and I’m here with my cohost Leslie Redd-White, which makes you wonder why she didn’t just combine her hyphenated married name into Leslie Pink. How’re you doing today, Leslie?

Leslie: Fine, John, and the reason that I haven’t changed my name to Leslie Pink is that there is already a pornographic actress with that name. I wouldn’t want to try and trade on another woman’s name especially one as talented as her nor would I want to have to use my middle name to continue my own career. Sorry aunt Gladys but your name is old and lame.

John: Right you are, Leslie! Now, we’re about to get underway with our first events. We’re going to check in on the half pipe where Sean Lentil is about to start his first run. He’s dropping in and starting to pick up speed.

Leslie: Still picking up speed. He has not performed a single trick nor has he touched his board with anything but his feet.

John: He sure is getting some air on those exits.

Leslie: Wait, he’s starting to spin! It’s a 1080! And another one! And another! He’s really spinning. Oh, wait, he’s starting to achieve flight. Rising! Rising! And he’s reached escape velocity! While we’re waiting for the results for the run, we’re going to take a moment to thank our sponsors today, Power Jam Juice. They have two new flavors, Menacing Mango and Grandma Killed a Man and Covered it Up. The second one has a blue raspberry flavor and they would like to let everyone know they will no longer be offering poll voted flavor names.

John: Thank you for reminding us of our sponsors, Leslie and we have an update on Sean. He has broken the atmosphere and is currently in space. Apparently, the ISS has seen him achieve faster than light travel and disappeared. Godspeed, Sean and good luck.

Leslie: Achieving FTL from a single trick is pretty extreme, John.

John: Right you are, Leslie. What do we have next?

Leslie: Next up in the half pipe we have Corey Randalsandals who, looking to impress the crowd has taken off his shirt.

John: Those abs and tattoos will certainly impress some people in the crowd if they’re into those kinds of things.

Leslie: That’s a hell of a tattoo of kanji on his back. Having studied Japanese, I can read that and apparently it says “My name is Corey Randalsandals, I’m a selfish lover and even more of a red flag. I’m jealous and mean and I don’t deserve a wonderful girlfriend who knows what kanji means. I got this for very racist reasons that used the describers, exotic and mystical. By the time I unveil this at the Regional Semifinals for the Radical Race and Extreme Sports Festival presented by Power Jam Juice, my girlfriend will have taken everything out of my house and headed for greener pastures. Go fuck yourself, Corey, I know about Nicole.”

John: That’s quite a lot.

Leslie: Small print. Looks like he’s pulled out his phone and is making a phone call. He’s yelling into his phone. Now he’s pathetically begging. Looks like his girlfriend was funding his lifestyle as he’s not a very good skater. Okay, he hasn’t dropped in but he has curled into a ball and is starting to cry.

John: That’s quite a move, I don’t know how the judges are going to score it. Well, he’s dropped in and left the half pipe. Looks like he’s skating away. Just disappearing over the horizon. Godspeed, Corey.

Leslie: I’m pretty sure that he came here in a car. Anyway, this is a good time to bring up Ron’s towing another sponsor that will treat your car like it’s his own. That’s not that good because I’ve seen the way that Ron treats his cars.

John: And as always, Power Jam Juice, try their other newest flavor Bananaramalabamaslammamamajammagamma juice. The fun thing about this one is that it actually doesn’t have a banana flavor but more a citrus flavor. There was a miscommunication between marketing and R&D and they had already made the cans, so yeah.

Leslie: Oh my god, in all my years of sports broadcasting, I’ve never seen this happen. A large hairy man, that can only be the Bigfoot has come onto the halfpipe. Kids, I want you to notice that even sasquatch is wearing proper safety gear. You should always make sure that you’re safe and happy when skating.

John: Couldn’t agree more, Leslie. Bigfoot is not an official contestant but he is being given special dispensation to enter. He’s about to start his run. Oh my god, I’ve never seen skating like this.

Leslie: A 900 into a Christ air into a heelflip and then a kickflip. He’s getting some good hang time there. And right into a Dizzy Gillespie. That’s the best skating wombat that I’ve ever seen. He’s… yes, he’s knitting! That’s a beautiful scarf! Bigfoot has excellent color sense. And he finishes with a Leaning Tower of Pisa. The crowd is going nuts. Wait… it’s not only for Bigfoot. Oh my god… there are deer at the edge of the grounds.

John: Those are not deer.

Leslie: Yes, that one has four eyes and eight antlers.

John: In this shocking turn of events, Bigfoot is running towards the not deer.

Leslie: He’s shouting something in his language of grunts and growls.

John: I took Bigfoot language in college and by taking it I listened to a crazy man tell me about his erotic and tender encounters with Bigfoot for five hours. I understand what he’s saying. He’s shouting that he has fallen in love with our society despite our flaws. That he wishes to save these innocents from those monsters. That he knows our mistakes and he loves us no matter what.

Leslie: I’m openly weeping, John.

John: And he’s entered battle with them! The not deer are shifting into forms that I can’t describe. The sounds that I’m hearing are horrific. Bigfoot is fighting valiantly. It looks bad though. Oh my god, no, he’s won… but he’s been mortally wounded. The crowd is running to him. Looks like several members of the crowd who have medical training are looking to help him. A woman has knelt and is holding his hand. He’s tenderly stroking her cheek. And… his hand has gone limp. The crowd has gently closed his eyes. The crowd are screaming in sorrow. It looks like they’re lifting his body gently.

Leslie: From what I can hear, they’re calling to take him to the local cemetery and build a great mausoleum for him. They don’t care how many people they have to drag out of their graves to make room for him.

John: Leslie, I’m going to end my broadcast here. I know of several wealthy landowners who have been laid too much at rest.

Leslie: Let me come with you, John. I’ve always had a great love of Bigfoot as any American would and should. This has truly been extreme. May a fleet of angels sing thee to thy rest, gentle Bigfoot.

End of transcript

The Secret Weapons of Comedy

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We mentioned Tim Meadows on the podcast this week and I want to just say that he and Judy Greer are the two best supporting character actors working today. Every time I see that they’re in the cast, I get pumped. They’re liked whipped cream to an ice cream sundae. They’re just going to improve it.

I mean, who can forget Judy on Arrested Development flashing Michael and screeching at him to “say goodbye to these, Michael!”. She also killed it in Halloween(2018). I’ve put the scene below but she has to pretend to be scared to attract Michael Myers into her killzone. The immediate switch from being helpless to shooting him in the face is tremendous.

Then we have Tim Meadows who killed it in Dewey Cox by being the main supplier and tempter of Dewey for his drug journey. Even today, my friends will just say to each other “And you never paid for drugs… not once.” Despite being for the most part all straight edge. Two of my friends drink but we always make sure to get written permission from their parents before they do so.

You know I say that as a joke but I’m sure there are parents that are puritanical that that is something people have to do.

He was also incredible on the Office, Pop Star and Brooklyn 99. He just enhances everything. The scene I was talking about before is below:

Once on reddit, someone asked who has the most staying power. I answered at the time Judy Greer but I would say that Tim Meadows exists in that world as well. They’re just going to get better with age. Someone needs to pick up the crown of the Golden Girls and I think Judy has the ability to do so. Tim Meadows proved himself in SNL and he continues to do so.

Monologue as I am Eaten by a Tiger

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“Well, buddy, I had a good run. God, you’re beautiful. I don’t know if you’re male or female. But I hope female. I hope I’m feeding another generation of you majestic creatures. You know I had hopes and dreams. But sometimes they don’t work out. Sometimes, only one dream works out. This is that dream. God, I’m glad I’m not getting eaten by something lame like a human. You’re a dream of muscle and grace. Yet, you still maintain your cuteness. I would snuggle the fuck out of you if I hadn’t broken my leg trying to run from you. What a fruitless gesture. I’m not even sick or weak like your other prey. I was in fine health. You’re just my better. That’s it bat me around if you want to. I don’t care. This might hurt but I will be part of you. I will nourish a creature that is my better. Well, I’ve come to rest here in this jungle. You’re opening your mouth now. It’s been an honor.”

Chomp.

Game Changer and Taskmaster: The Joy of Play

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There are a great number of game shows that exist in the world that I would not want to be on. Jeopardy and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? are two where I don’t need to embarrass myself on a national level. I have a podcast for that. Wheel of Fortune, that’s a solid maybe.

Game Changer is a definitive no. Sam Reich, son of former labor secretary and current administration shit talker, Robert Reich, puts his comedians through their paces and through challenges that border on psychological torture. Don’t believe me? Watch any of the Sam Says episodes.

The face of a man who put his dad’s penis on his game show

The whole point of Game Changer is that the contestants don’t know the rules. They have to figure out what the game is as they go along. The first episode shows the three contestants dealing with a lie detector being asked questions about themselves. It turns out it’s their three partners off camera operating it. Another episode has them answering simple questions but they have to find a working to buzz in. They acquire these by doing things such as throwing balls at a buzzer on a wall, calling a pizza place to deliver one or find the book one is hidden inside.

There’s a similar show to this that has set rules from the U.K called, Taskmaster. The setup is simple Greg Davies and his assistant, little Alex Horne(6’2) challenge five comedians over ten weeks to a series of challenges. These range from doing such things as not doing the thing, getting five grapes out of a mountain of flour while wearing flippers and spilling as little flour as possible, trying to figure out what bin Alex Horne is hidden in and a number of other ones. You can find all the episodes on YouTube. Any season is well worth a watch.

I’m not the first person to point out the similarities between these shows. It’s the reason that when people talk about an American version of Taskmaster, they want Sam Reich and Dropout in charge of it. But the main one for me, is the endless playfulness of both shows.

Game Changer can sometimes have some great prizes, such as trips or money but usually the prize is another joke for the audience and contestants. The buzzer episode’s prize was a bug zapper. Those that win Taskmaster get this haunting faux golden bust of Greg Davies.

See you in my nightmares, gold head.

Because of that the contestants are just trying their best to have fun and enjoy themselves. Laughter ratios competence on a scale of 5:1. This is why you hire professionals rather than any person off the street. This brings something else to the table, camaraderie. On Game Changer especially, the groups have been working together for years. Now their personalities take center stage. A lot has been made of annoying and trying to trigger the higher competitive and competent Brennan Lee Mulligan.

I know that you can’t take everything at face value. I know they’re doing it for profit. But the joyfulness is just such a thing that you can’t help but feel it.

I think it speaks to how important it is to keep playing. To keep yourself going and having fun. Not just in a you never know when your day will be your last but it’s good for your heart.

I think it’s good for the soul to do something, that you find funny. Not for anyone else and nothing that would hurt or inconvenience anyone else but just because you think it’s funny. Make up a funny voice that’s only for you plants. Give your cats nicknames that are longer than the introduction of the king of Westeros.

Find people that you love and engage them in play. It could be anything and you would find yourself freed in a way that you don’t know how.

I do this every Thursday night with my friends around the table during DND. For all those that thought it was satanic in the 70s and such, well it’s made of three things: improv, funny voices and maths. I think in the last few years those nights are the ones where I have laughed the longest and hardest. Being in the middle of a big bad’s speech when someone makes a fart noise.

When my father passed away on a Sunday I was left with four long days to grieve. When we got to the virtual table that Thursday, I told the group I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want anyone asking how I felt, I just wanted to play.

And for the first time in those 96 hours, I felt free. I felt light again. The pain was lost in stupid jokes and stories.

We dismiss play because we only think of it as something for children and children waste time because they’re allowed to waste time. The fact of the matter is that play is good no matter the age. It’s not a waste of time because if it gives you all the joy that it’s meant to, isn’t that worth it in the end?

Oh and one final note, I want to love the inclusion of both shows. They don’t discriminate by age, sex, race or sexuality. It furthers the joy of the show.

Which Adam Sandler is the Worst?

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For some reason, I got on an Adam Sandler kick this weekend and it got me thinking about his characters in the golden age of his movies. Now, I want to say his nineties comedies are classics in and of themselves. But how are their characters? Where does Billy Madison stand on the moral hierarchy? Well, no one asked and I’m going to figure that out.

Billy Madison

Born rich, privileged and listless. Immediately that are huge points against him. Batman was born rich and privileged and he’s saved the world multiple times. Even if he didn’t want to put on a costume and fight injustice, he could have done something. Least of all get an education. Plus, he was generally an asshole before he got some learning in him.

So, I’m going to say that he’s a scumbag.

Happy Gilmore

Okay, Happy is an interesting case. Of the Adam Sandlers on this list, he’s probably the most morally grey. He was a working man trying to chase a dream. He found out that he had an affinity for a different sport that he didn’t like and gave that up to help his grandmother. That sacrifice means a lot.

Still, he had an anger problem. Anger can be good, it can drive you forward to make changes in your life and the world for the better. It can also be a destructive force that harms people. Happy when he’s Angry Gilmore often lashes out at people such as Bob Barker and the clown at the mini golf course.

“He lead to Chubs’ death!” I hear you cry. That was an accident. Pure and simple. Nobody said that Happy was a perfect guy. I certainly didn’t.

While his anger can be destructive, I fully advocate for him throwing Ben Stiller out of that window. Anyone who abuses the elderly deserves far worst than that.

Mr. Deeds

He really just came up with characters and then built a whole movie around them in the 90s, didn’t he?

Mr. Deeds is a pure soul. Humble working man that was elevated to the height of luxury and didn’t let it change him. Oh, he has servants now? You bet your ass he’s going to be nice and joke around with them.

Are some of his morals a little outdated? Sure, I think he made a bigger deal about cursing in front of ladies than might need to be and it led to a sequence where we’re making fun of child abuse but his heart was in the right place.

But then he also helped protect Winona Ryder from a potential mugger. He gave up that money just as easily. He’s a kind and generous person. Good for him.

Big Daddy

Sonny Koufax straight up sucks. I mean, it could be said that he took in a child that no one cared about.

A brief tangent about how fucked the life of the child is in this movie. His dying mother sends him to go find his father that he doesn’t. Someone puts this child on a train or plane to NYC. Maybe there was someone that was supposed to lead him the rest of the way to his father. I don’t know because the teenager that drops him off at the apartment is just like “I don’t know someone paid me to drop him here.” Then without asking for any identification or anything, Sonny claims the child as his own. Way to go fictional child services.

(I know that actual child service workers work very hard to do their best for their charges. I’m calling out the worker in this movie. God bless those who do that work.)

Anyway, Sonny. Sonny is irresponsible, terrible at his job and raises the child at first with the care someone would a feral dog. The child is violent, disgusting and probably has lice at a certain point in the film.

But you might think that that’s the worst thing he’s done. Oh, no, no. The worst thing is that he made the child believe that he was his father. Not biological but still a father figure. When Jon Stewart, suddenly reappears, the boy has to realize that he has to go to a man that didn’t want him or believed that he was his father in the first place.

I can forgive the shitty things that Billy Madison did and most of the things that Sonny did in his personal life. However, when you bring a child into the equation, the only thing that should be done are things to ensure the care and happiness of said child.

Too bad no one gave a shit about him.

May Your Historical Impact Be Better Than Nanni

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As a lover of history, I’ve always thought about the fact that I will never be featured in any history books or accounts. No one will write down my actions as important or memorable. What’s to be said about Franklin Cota on this day in history?

“Historians believed that he ate a lot of Cool Ranch Doritos and took a long nap. He did not brush the crumbs off himself before he fell asleep. He woke up and ate the crumbs and fell back asleep. He didn’t like himself after the nap.”

People from the past who were unable to get basic spices would say that I lived like a king! Napping and eating full bags of Christmas color flecked corn chips. People from the nearer past would say that I’m a gluttonous loser who ate a whole bag of chips in one sitting and fell asleep. They’re both right!

Still, for all the embarrassing I’ve done, am doing and will do, I will be blessedly forgotten. I will not be remembered as Nanni, the ancient Karen who is the first person in known history to issue a written customer complaint from 1750BCE.

But was he a Karen? Reading through the complaint, it seems that he had legitimate gripes with copper merchant Ea-Nasir. Who seems to have not delivered his copper ingots despite receiving payments and also was rude to his servant! Every good boss I’ve ever had has gone to bat for me. Nanni understands the plight of the workers underneath him.

And what he wants is pretty reasonable. He wants other his fine quality copper or his money back. He’s not demanding anyone get arrested or anything like that. He just wants Ea-Nasir to fulfill his end of the bargain.

Maybe there’s something to be said about that. He ended up in the history books because he was the first at something. It wasn’t something that we like but how would we have known about Nanni otherwise?

If you want to learn more about Nanni and Ea-Nasir’s feud, you can find it at the source of this post:

https://www.thearchaeologist.org/blog/complaint-tablet-to-ea-nasir-the-oldest-recorded-customer-complaint