Category Archives: Uncategorized

Once again I have overthought a game genre

Another game genre that I’ve been enjoying are simulator games. Two in particular lately, fast food simulator and supermarket simulator. I can say that the first one is a highly accurate version of what it’s like working in a McDonald’s as I did for my first job. The only thing is that I’m not horrendously shy and scared of people.

The work in both games is just as monotonous. You perform the same actions day in and day out. You can throw on a podcast and just cruise. There’s no story to pay attention to.

So, why do I love these games?

Yahtzee the very swear-y video game reviewer has called these dad games and one of his points is that it lets you envision your life if you had taken a different path. As someone who has played these games it also allows you to pretend that these are viable career paths. I put together one bag of food for someone coming through my drive through and it had four items an somehow cost fifty-six dollars.

I’m not a dad and never will be but I’m dad age. Sometimes I imagine pulling a dude from American Beauty and going back to work at McDonald’s when things in my life were simple. But I don’t think that’s why I actually like these games. McDonald’s made my clothing stink no matter how many times my mom washed them. One of my prize Kurt Cobain t-shirts was forever cursed with the smell because I put my work shirt on it overnight.

The real reason that I think that I like it is that I have another hobby that some people might consider boring: knitting. For a lot of people, it might seem so boring to sit still and slowly knit stitch by stitch. But there’s something that I love about the click of the needles and the slow creation of a scarf or washcloth(I’m not that good. I need to work on getting better).

It’s the same thing with these games. Watching as my level goes up in either one and expanding on the things I can make in my fast food restaurant or watching my supermarket slowly expand. It’s the satisfaction of a job well done. Even though it’s just a bunch of 1’s and 0’s.

When I knit, the world falls away, my mind clears and I can just focus on that. It’s the same thing with these simulator games. I don’t care if people think they’re a waste of time or boring, for me those moments of peace are what make it all worth it.

I’m including the Yahtzee video if you want to hear more about dad games:

Drinking misconceptions

I don’t drink. I’ve drank on a three occasions. The first was when I was working with my dad when I was like eight. My dad was drinking a Budweiser and I asked him if I could have some. I took a sip and it was disgusting. Put me off beer for the rest of my life.

Secondly, my grandfather put his gin and tonic next to my water during a barbecue. I drank from it, thought it tasted weird and he said what are you doing. I spit out what was probably some very expensive gin into the sink.

Thirdly, I was on a date with a beautiful woman and she poured me a glass of wine. I didn’t know how to back out of it, so I drank it in one gulp. She then said accurately, you don’t drink wine do you.

So, I don’t understand how alcohol works. Here are three ways that I don’t understand how alcohol works.

  1. Champagne flutes

I read about champagne flutes before I ever knew what they were. It’s the same thing as the word quiche. I read the word but it translated in my head to “qwincha”. My parents and sister made nonstop fun of me, constantly asking where did the n come from?

So, when I read about champagne flutes, did I think long thin glasses? Nope!

I thought that people were having fun and drinking out of flutes that they were covering all the holes of. Do I need to look at the dictionary? Nope! Just continue with my stupid thought until my young adulthood.

2. You can just mix whatever.

When I was younger, I listened to a lot of the Good Life where Tim Kasher is singing constantly about getting blackout drunk. So, I thought that that was the point. So, you would want the highest alcohol content in all your drinks.

That means you would want to drink like a rum and scotch. Irregardless of things like taste or texture.

Hell, if I was coming up with my signature drink given the parameters of what I thought people wanted it would probably be everclear mixed with absinthe. We would call it the straight to the grave.

3. A Scotch and soda was just any soda

I loved Law and Order and M*A*S*H and watched them religiously when I was in sixth grade. During the summer, they had like four episodes of each on in the morning and evening. I watched them nonstop.

The thing is there’s a lot of drinking in M*A*S*H and after many cases, McCoy would go to the bar and order a scotch and soda. I now know that that was seltzer, which is just water ruined through carbonation. But to my young mind, I thought that it was Coca-Cola or Pepsi. They’re both brown, right?

In conclusion, don’t let me make your drinks. I’ll either kill you or disgust you.

Rewriting the Phantom Menace

The Phantom Menace sucks. We all know it. It was such a disappointment. But the thing is, I think that you could make the movie a lot better with one change and it’s not just get rid of Jar-Jar.

The actual answer is to simply age Anakin up. There’s no reason for him to be a small child and in fact, it makes him a lot more sympathetic to do so.

Okay, so the movie starts as it normally does, invasion of Naboo and everyone flees on the shiny ship. But as the ship is whipping through space and being saved by R2-D2, no one knows who the pilot is but they know he’s very good.

The door opens and a handsome, smiling young man enters the room. It’s Anakin. He’s carefree, he’s joyful and he loves what he does. You can still have the scene where Padme can’t sleep and she speaks with him. He can ask her if she’s an angel and he can talk about how much he loves being out here. How they’re returning to the place that he hates. She says that if she helps him retake her planet, she’ll find a way to free his mother. Suddenly, he has emotional investment.

When we get to Tattooine, Anakin reunites with his mother. He brings up that he has gotten closer to buying her freedom. Watto can still stiff them for the part and he says he’s willing to get back into the podracer to win the part. That’s how he won his freedom the last time but it nearly cost him his life. He survives and he has to leave again.

The rest of the movie plays out the same way with them realizing that he’s powerful with the force and they save Naboo. He has to leave Padme and his mother behind to do the job of becoming a Jedi.

The thing is that having him already grown with his own opinions that are hardwired into him, makes a lot more sense for his eventual fall. Especially if you do something like have him having never killed anyone before. Death comes pretty quickly in the Star Wars universe. Luke kills stormtroopers in the first movie and doesn’t bat an eye at it. It would be interesting to have Anakin be a kind hearted person that doesn’t like violence. He’s suddenly thrust into this world that he doesn’t understand why he has to harm people.

His journey to becoming Darth Vader can become that he wants to end suffering in the galaxy. That he wants to make sure no one can be harmed again. It’ll become a bigger part of him when he has the visions of Padme dying in childbirth. You could also use the idea that Jedi are violent by being the thing he’s trained the most in.

Having him be a child, it just doesn’t make any sense. You can have him be innocent but it turns him into something other than precocious. It makes him annoying. Plus, child actors, for the most part are not that good. It’s like in the Ender’s Game movie where you have to have Ender react to finding out that he killed a whole race. He couldn’t act it out that well because no one could act that out.

Also you have a ten year old hitting on a fourteen year old and it’s so weird. Age him up and they become equals.

You could also play more into the Han and Leia thing. Making him a dashing young pilot, then there could be a thing that oh like mother like daughter when it comes to the men they like.

Why did they send their ducks to war?

I went to Great Adventure this weekend and I got to meet Daffy Duck. I thanked him for fighting Hitler. But then I had a thought that both Daffy and Donald went to war against the fuhrer.

I know that there are images of Donald doing the heil but those are from a nightmare he had to sell war bonds. He later went on to fight in the navy. Daffy confronted Hitler directly, smashing his skull with a hammer.

My question is why? We know that they’re both true Americans for fighting against fascism. But why did Disney and Warner Bros specifically send their ducks? We also know that Donald has PTSD from his time in the war, hence why he flies off the handle so often.

But maybe that’s it. Maybe they saw the intrinsic traits of both ducks and knew that they could handle the mental load of taking life. Daffy has always been full of himself. Maybe he had an internal competition to fight as many Nazis as possible. Working his way up to confront the fuhrer personally. Fuck giving Captain America the shield, give it to Daffy. Or at least have them tag team him like Bucky and Cap did to Iron Man.

Donald though knew that being a duck he was uniquely positioned to work with the navy. If the ship goes down, he can provide aid to his fellow soldiers. His official rank in the armed forces is a sergeant in the military. Maybe he was on special assignment.

In conclusion, these ducks did their part. They saw injustice and they rose against it.

The Poison You Inherit

It doesn’t come through fangs

It comes through words

The ones you say when you’re home

Leaking into your kids’ ears

It fills their veins and fills them up

They say the same thing to someone else

You smile and laugh

That’s my kid

You raise your glass

The poison moves

Bit by bit

Piece by piece through your bloodline

Until one day someone makes a friend

Someone reads a book

And feels the antivenom flow through them

That new Psycho Killer video

So, a little under two weeks ago, the Talking Heads released a video for Psycho Killer, a fifty year old song. You can find it here:

It’s a simple video, a woman played by Saoirse Ronan, wakes up, she talks to her boyfriend, she brushes her teeth, she goes to work, sometimes she goes to a field, sometimes she goes to therapy, she goes to bed and the cycle repeats. In that simple premise though we see a perfect representation of anxiety and depression. The way that she seems cut off from everyone. How her emotions go wild while no one pays attention to her.

The biggest part of this is of course Ronan’s performance. Her facial expressions and body language tell the entire story. Sometimes she’s gently rocking back and forth while reaching out to take a coworker’s hands, she’s annoyed with boyfriend, she’s scared, desperate, she’s crying, she’s ecstatic, she’s being weird and every scene you somehow can imagine how she got into that scenario. Of course, it’s unsurprising given her remarkable talents.

Having had anxiety and depression throughout my life, everything she does is accurate. Despite what movies and tv shows illustrate, you’re not able to just lay in your feelings. You have to get up and do the thing. No matter what it is, no matter how you feel, you have to live.

There are moments when you feel like you’re weeping or begging for help in front of people and they can’t hear you. Then there is the endless repeating of the days. Where you feel you’re just moving through copies of the same day. The only thing that changes is your clothing or roughly how you feel.

This is why art is so important and to be made by as many different kinds of people as possible. I would have loved to have this when I was younger so that I could point to it and say, “this is how I feel almost all the time”.

The other great thing about this and the description of the video points it out, that you could make something so on the nose. Some murderous man harming people, blood and violence. Instead, we have this showcase of a great song by a phenomenal actress.

Father’s Day

Being a fatherless child these days

What should this day become?

Should it be ignored and left on the shelf

Pushed to the back of my mind

Where it can only tug at my brain

And make me sad out of nowhere

Or should it become a day of remembrance

Talking and thinking about all the things

Dad and I used to do

The things he said, the way he smelled

How that changed once he quit smoking

Either and any way

It doesn’t matter

There’s no way to make me less sad

Or miss him any less

Doors

(Author’s Note: This is the first spooky story I ever wrote. It’s also going to be in my new horror story collection coming out in August, A Heartbeat in the Darkness. I did a reading of this back when I had a horror podcast by the same name. You can find the reading here: https://youtu.be/kz58xCnc1VQ?si=LksEZNKEOFrFF5YB )

I haven’t been outside in a few days.  It’s not for lack of trying.  It’s just that, my house isn’t the same as it was when I woke up on Monday morning.  Something has happened.  I don’t know what. 

The rooms don’t connect the way they used to.  Every time I open the door, it leads me somewhere new.  My bedroom suddenly leading into my kitchen.  The kitchen leading towards the basement stairs.  Close the door, open and find something new.  When I did manage to get to either the back or front door, I would open them and try and leave.  My eyes would be blinded by a bright white flash of light and I find myself back in another room of the house.  Perfectly situated in the middle of a room.  Something akin to teleportation.  I’ve pinched myself until my eyes watered from the pain.  This isn’t a dream.       

I’ve tried the windows but they’re locked and no matter how I adjust them, they refuse to open.  I tried breaking them as well, throwing the heaviest objects I could find.  They refused to shatter.  I became so desperate and frustrated that eventually I opened up my gun safe and removed the pistol I had inside.  I readied a round in the chamber, kneeled behind the bed and took aim.  I fired.  I dove to the side when the bullet ricocheted, the report of the pistol still ringing in my ears.  The smoke from the muzzle setting off the  detector.  The bullet has lodged itself in the wall.  

I don’t know what to do.  I’ve been trying to figure out my new reality.  I still have water and electricity somehow.  My laptop shows a black screen, the tv shows static, the phone won’t dial out.  Without these electronic means of contact, I decided to go about the physical.  I looked through the books I had on my shelves.  All of them now a jumbled mess of letters with no meaning that I can find.  

I decided to try an experiment.  When the door opened to my front hall, I opened the door and figured out how close I could get to it before the flash of light sent me to another room.  I stood a little bit past the doorjamb yelling and waving my arms to get anyone’s attention.  Someone to help,to pull me from this place.  But no one heard me.  They kept walking.  Never turning so much as a curious eye towards me.  It was then that I heard the silence.  Despite the open door and the fact that I could see all kinds of noisemakers, birds, lawnmowers and cars.  I heard nothing.  No sound reached me.  I’ve become isolated even from vibration.

I’m sitting on the bed now with the gun stuck in the back of my pants.  Something supernatural is going on but I have no idea what it could be or why.  I’ve entered into a realm that seems to exist with some kind of dream logic.  It has rules that it follows.  Like the doors.  I’ve tried to leave them open but they shut whenever I look away.  I’ve opened them, turned and then spun back around.  Always they are closed but I see no movement, I hear no sound.  No other in the house but me.  Near as I can tell and hope.  

I’ve been trying to think of the reasons that this could happen.  Horror stories generally tell of things like this happening to those that deserve them.  Someone who has violated some universal law of rightness.  I can’t think of anything that I’ve done.  My life has been fairly unspectacular.  No skeletons in my closet.  Maybe it’s just a run of bad luck that led me here.  A higher power hoping to destroy me with no more thought than I have then when my foot falls on an anthill.  

There’s one option that I don’t want to consider.  The idea that I may have gone insane.  Something in my past that I repressed or I’ve seen something recently that made me snap.  I  don’t know much about insanity and I don’t know if a lack of sound counts as it.  That also wouldn’t explain the people who ignored me while I screamed for help.  I was there for minutes.  I saw so many people and yet no one came towards me.  No one offered anything.  Could this be a trap of my mind?  Have I simply become locked in an endless existence.  My body being left in the care of the state or some relative.  Catatonia taking over for my consciousness.  I think about the gun in the back of my pants.  I wonder if I should put it under my chin.  Pull the trigger and be done with it.  I’ve never thought about killing myself before.  No grand notions of the future but no death thoughts either.  I have some food left.  I think I’ll hold out until that is gone.  I’m not ready to roll that dice just yet.  

The long hours drag on towards the setting sun.  I turn on the lights when the sun goes  down while I still have them.  Keeping the TV on while I fall asleep.  The sound of the static offering some comfort.  

When I wake up the next morning I look out the front door.  It’s the only entertainment I have. I sit cross legged in front of the open door.  I play a game with myself in which I count  numbers until I see someone walk by.  I’ve gotten up to the hundreds before someone has.  I live in a suburb, a quiet little vacation spot. I’ve seen only one person that I know, a woman who became a townie like me.  I still have friends that live in town.  Yet, no one has come to check up on me.  To find out if I’m okay.  No phone calls.  No one knocking on my door.  Of course, I have no idea if they even register if I’m gone.  Perhaps the house has erased me from their memories.  Continuing to isolate me.  I play my game until the sun starts to set.  

That night as I lay in bed with the TV still blaring its static, I hear something.  I’ve been lying in bed listening to it with the lights out.  It’s the slightest hitch in the sound.  A slight rising in the constant static.  It doesn’t sound like anything.  No words.  I lie back down.  I barely sleep the rest of the night.  There’s nothing else of note from the TV in that entire time.

The next morning I go to the door and start playing my game again.  I’ve eaten my one meal of the day.  My mind is groggy from the minimal food and sleep.  Thoughts come slowly.  I’m even having trouble remembering the numbers as I count.  I blink and something has changed again.  There’s a man standing across the street from my house.  He’s dressed in a T-shirt, jeans and leather jacket.  He wears a large preacher’s hat as well.  The brim of it casts shadows over his eyes.  He’s looking at me.  He begins to walk forward.  I jump up and slam the door shut.  I lock it, pull the gun out of my pants, chamber a round and point it at the door.  There’s a window in the top half of the door.  The man steps up onto the front porch.  He comes right up to the glass.  His hat falls onto the back of his head.  I can see his face fully now.  

His skin is a pallid, sickly white.  He’s thin in all his parts.  But it’s the face that causes my hand to shake, my aim being thrown off by it.  The purple lips stretch back in a terrifying grin.  His teeth are a ghastly yellow color.  Rotten and full of cavities in black diseased gums.  His eyeballs are black.  Red dots glow in the center of them.  His hair is blonde and greasy hanging on either side of his head in curtains.  

He places his forehead against the glass.  His hands on either side of his head.  His eyes are staring right into me.  Through his garish smile, he’s laughing.  A wheezing, empty thing.  I’d fire if I thought that I would actually kill him.  He leans back and then slams his face against the glass.  It makes me jump backwards.  The laugh rises in pitch and frequency as his forehead bleeds against the cracks he’s made in the glass.  I pray that the door will hold.  I aim again.  He leans back and slams his head against the glass a second time.   The glass holds even as more cracks appear.  He leans backwards and I figure that he’s going to strike a third time. He steps away from the door and walks back across the street, returning to the spot where he once stood. He doesn’t move again for the rest of the day.  I watch him for a while though the glass of the door, which is repairing itself.  The cracks reforming with ease.  The only evidence that he was ever here is a greasy stain with spots of blood.  

I spend the rest of the day upstairs watching him.  He doesn’t look up but continues to stare at the house.  My thoughts twist in even greater confusion than they did before.  There’s nothing about him that makes me think that he’s here to help me.  The man’s presence has another effect in that it changes my opinion as to what’s happening in my house.  That perhaps the fact that I can’t leave is because my house is protecting me from whatever that man is.  Some demon come to torment me.  To block my escape from the house.  I can’t survive within or out.  I’ll starve in here.  I don’t know what that man will do to me when I leave.  I turn on every light in my house.  I barely sleep again.  More noises amongst the static.  No words.   

The man is still outside of my house.  He hasn’t moved from his vigil.  I didn’t notice it before because I was so focused on the man’s approach but the places on my lawn where that man strode, the grass is now black and dead.  People are still walking down the street.  They pass and he goes unnoticed.  What is this tormentor?  Where did he come from?  I know that he wants to harm me.  There could be no other purpose for him.  I know it’s not death that he has in store for me.  But something far worse.  I have the gun in my hand.  For the second time in as many days, I think about killing myself.  I think about it for a long time.  But there’s a voice in the back of my head that tells me that even if I was to die by my own hand that would not allow me to escape from him or even the house.  I’m trapped.  The idea that I’m not myself returns to me.  That maybe I died and am just a spirit haunting this house.  That man outside is a grim reaper come to claim me.  That thought is foolish though.  If I was dead I wouldn’t feel the constant growling hunger.  I move my bed into the corner so that I can keep an eye on the door.  I plan to sleep with the gun under my pillow.  

It’s then that I notice the hole in my wall.  Whatever damage that man did to my door has been repaired by the house.  But that remains.  I’m struck by sudden inspiration.  That perhaps the walls may not be afflicted by the same strange magic as the doors.  That perhaps using the tools in the basement I can break through a wall and find a different way out.  If nothing else having something to do today has made me happy.    

I close the door until I get to the staircase that leads down to my basement.  I fill my toolbox, shoulder my axe and sledgehammer and leave the basement. I cycle through the doors until I get to my front hall.  It’s then that a new idea enters my mind.  What would happen if I was to remove a door from its hinges.  I make it to the second floor hallway and walk down to one of my guest rooms.  I get to work and within a few minutes, I’m picking up the door and moving it to the side.  

When I look back at the doorway I see that my guest room isn’t beyond it. Instead there’s a long hallway leading into the distance.  At the end of it is the outline of a door framed by white light.  I take a moment to wrap my mind around what I’m seeing.  The impossibility of its existence.  Considering the length of the hallway, it would extend out of my house by about a hundred meters or more.    

I leave most of my tools behind, but keep the axe and pistol.  I start walking.  My mind is so broken at this point that I don’t know how far I go.  I try and figure out based on the number of steps I take.  I stop after awhile.  Besides seeming fruitless, it’s also difficult to keep the count.   Eventually, I get to the end of the hallway.  I see that the light is pouring around the shape of a door.  I place my hand on the doorknob and push it open.  

I step out through a door into a kitchen.  Not my kitchen, though it’s far fancier and more modern.  I turn and the door has closed behind me.  I call out.  Hoping that anyone can hear me.  That someone will answer.  There are four closed doors here.  I hear nothing as well.  No sounds from the street.  There’s a glass sliding door leading out to a patio.  I pull it open and walk through it.  There’s the flash of light.  

When my vision clears, I’m staring at a wall that’s a dark blue color.  This isn’t a room in my house.  I smell something terrible.  I turn around.  

There’s a woman on the bed before me.  She’s clearly dead and has been for some time.  Something has gotten at her.  Her body is opened, something ate into her stomach.  The body has been made ragged from bites.  The eyes are gone. There’s so much blood on the floor and walls.  My bare feet are soaked by it.  I’ll have to remember to clean them when I get back home.  If I get back home.  A foot is gone as well.  

This isn’t how she died though.  There’s a peaceful smile on her face.  A bottle of pills on the nightstand.  She must have OD’d before she was ripped her open.  I bend over and vomit onto the floor.  There’s almost nothing left in the my stomach.  Only black bile came out.  When the sickness subsides I open and close the door a few times until I get back to the kitchen.  

I look around.  There’s no dog bowl in the kitchen.  Something else got to her.  I open up the cabinets and fridge and take what I can to restore my own food reserves.  Putting as many cans and boxes into a pair of reusable bags.  When that’s done, I know that I need to get out of here.  I riffle through the drawers and I eventually find a screwdriver.  I take the door off the hinges and see that the hallway remains.  I look around.  There’s no reason for me to return here. 

I start walking down the hallway again.  I’m halfway through when I hear the noise behind me.  I turn around and the light of the kitchen has been replaced by some other shape.  Something huge, scraping the ceiling of the hallway.  I hear a growling and I start running.  I can’t tell if that’s the beast that feasted on that unknown woman.  I hit the door in front of me and push it open.  I slam it behind me and press my body against it.  I hear something hit on the other side of it.  The door just about shakes off of its hinges.  I hear scratching and scraping on the other side.  A roar of something that sounds enormous reverberates through me.  Eventually, it stops.  

I wonder if the monster is lost in the limbo of the closed doors or if it’s simply decided to stop and wait for me.  I wonder if I was to repeat the removal of a door if the monster would be there.  It doesn’t matter.  That was only one of the plans anyway.  I still have the other.  I’ve been thinking about tunneling out through the basement.  I look out my window to check on the other threat.  The man still stands and stares at my house.  Still unseen by those around him.  There are more dead footprints in my grass.  These ones leading around my house in a circle before cutting a new path back to his position.  Did he sense that I had left the house and come looking for me?  Or was he looking for a new means to enter?  Besides the front and back door, there’s the cellar doors.  I had no plan to try and go out through those.  The plan was to tunnel through the basement wall and up into my backyard.  Hopefully, I could make a run to my car or find someone to help me.  Anything to stay away from that dark figure.    

I open and close the doors, still holding onto my axe and pistol, until I get to the kitchen.  I eat a fair amount of food and then put the rest away.  I cycle the rooms again until I get back upstairs to my hallway.  I pick up the tools and cycle the doors again.  Making sure to open a different room than the guest room in case the monster is there.  I see the basement stairs and am about to go down when I hear something.  A thudding, powerful noise.  It draws closer.  It’s then that I see the monster that pursued me.  It’s about one and a half times as tall as I am.  It’s head scrapes against the ceiling of the basement.  Its body shaped like a bull dog.  It stops and sniffs with an invisible nose.  Then it turns and I see its face.  A cyclops, one red eye with a yellow pupil and black iris.  Its mouth is vertical and full of sharp teeth.  It lets out with the same guttural roar it did when I denied it before. 

Without thinking, I pull the pistol from the back of my pants.  I fire through the entire magazine as it comes pounding up the wooden stairs towards me.  They crack and scream under its weight.  The bullets either go wide in my panic or strike the creature and do nothing.  When hammer falls on nothing and the gun clicks, I back up.  The monster makes a desperate leap for me but I slam the door.  I wonder if it’s now cycling through just like the rooms.  If I’ll open a door and it’ll be in my kitchen or bedroom.  I pull the spare magazine out of my pocket and reload.  I keep a round chambered.  

I’m still in my kitchen with all the doors closed.  I take a deep breath and pull a door open.  It opens to my living room.  I lie on the couch and think about what to do.  It connects to my front hallway without a door, so I make my way upstairs.  The last thing I want to do is spend more time on the bottom floor when the man across the street can get to me.  I know I have to cycle the doors.  I have to find out where the monster is.  The despairing part of me, knows that it doesn’t matter.  That whatever forces are at work could easily kill me at any moment.  Changing the rulesn  to suit their needs.  I cycle the doors, finding nothing in my bathroom, bedroom or kitchen.  It’s then that I think that the doors are still operating on their own bizarre logic.  The monster never went through the door.  It’s stuck in the basement.  Which means that my plan is now untenable.  I get to a window.  The smiling man is still in his position.  As far as I know everything is in its right place.  

I turn on the TV for the static.  The white noise begins but after a few minutes I start hearing the strange upticks in pitch.  It happens in frequently at first but then it begins in quick succession.  The sound is hard to place at first.  A high pitched thud like a heartbeat.  It then begins to go higher until it’s true nature is apparent.  Laughter.  Some strange male voice laughing heartily.  It rises until the voice is nearly shrieking.  I cover my ears to keep it out but this does nothing.  The laughter goes on for long minutes.  Near as I can tell it’s only one voice.  Finally, it subsides and I hear the voice ta ke several gulping breaths.  It then says in a voice that sounds like it has a smile on its face.  

We’re just getting started here, sports fan.  

A few more seconds of laughter and the TV returns to the ambient white noise.  My heart is pounding in my chest.  I’ve gripped the axe until my knuckles go white.  I’m thinking of splitting the TV in two.  Is that the voice of the smiling man?  He laughed as well but that sounded like dried leaves and cancerous lungs.  A wheeze as much as anything.  This was the robust laughter of the mad man.  There was still a throat that could be pained and bloodied from the laughter’s intensity.  Who or whatever that voice was.  That was the voice of my enemy.  I know that in my heart.  

I think about that woman.  The way that she went.  Perhaps it was easier than continuing to try and live.  I’ll never know if she was in the same situation as I was.  Maybe she saw that dog or the man.  She couldn’t handle it.  Wanted to get away from it.  On her own terms.  That sounds nice.  Hell, it sounds great to even think about.  Denying them their dark victory.  Let them have my body but I’ll be far away.  The next time I reach for the gun I’ll use it on myself.  Not waste the bullets on them.  They don’t deserve them.  I laugh for the first time in days.  I must truly be going insane.  

I think about the hole in the wall.  Still the only lasting damage that I’ve been able to do to the house.  I wonder if instead of opening doors, I could go through a wall.  I knock about the wall, hoping to make sure that I don’t hit a load bearer.  I slam the axe into the wall.  The reaction is almost instantaneous.  A scream from an unknown source rips my mind apart with its force.  Its a low pitched wailing thing.  Wordless and ancient feeling.  The house begins to shake.  An earthquake born not from a fault line but something else.  I remove the axe from the wall and everything stops.  The house didn’t like that, is as near an explanation as I can find.  The TV snaps on and the laughter starts again.  I go to it and try to turn it off.  The buttons no longer work.  After about two minutes of the noise, my frustration grows to its zenith and I slam the axe into the TV.  It never stops.  As the pieces of the screen shatter and hit the floor, they continue to show static.  The laughter continues to fill my room.  It continues for a long time.  The voice won’t speak to me anymore but the laughter is bad enough.  I can’t close my ears to it.

Hours pass and the laughter reverberates through the house.  Moving to a different room helps but not by much.  The living room TV turns on and the laughter keeps going.  It’s making it impossible to think.  I scream at the TV.  Demanding answers until my voice goes ragged.  There’s no answer from the cacophony of sound.  

Eventually, I make my way to my medicine cabinet and pull out some cotton balls.  I jam them into my ears until it hurts.  Until I can’t hear anything anymore.  I collapse onto my bed.  The night wears on.  The laughter continuing without stop.  Now just a dull sound through the cotton.  At some point, my body refuses to be awake anymore.  I fall asleep.  I awaken when the sun comes into my eyes.  The laughter is continuing.  I look out the window to do my morning check.  

The smiling man is gone.  

 I pull the gun from my back pocket.  I push open the bedroom door and for once it opens directly to my second floor hallway.  I push open the door to my guest room.  It opens to my guest room.  I move down the hall and open up the door to my bathroom.  It opens to my bathroom.  I go downstairs.  I make my way through the house in two circuits.  The doors are staying open now.  What is happening.  Nothing has changed in regards to the laughter.  It’s still screeching throughout the house.  

Where is the smiling man?  

It’s then that I realize.  I know where he’s been the whole time.  

I turn around.  The smiling man looks down at me.  I point the gun at him and he slaps it out of my hands with ease.  I run.  Blind panic.  I turn a corner into another hallway.  I pull open a door.  

I fall through the broken staircase.  My body being ripped apart by the shreds of it.  When I do hit the floor and feel my arm and leg break against the stone, I’m already bloodied and full of splinters.  I’m gasping through the pain.  

I look and see the creature in the corner of the basement.  It turns towards me, sniffing with its unknown nose.  I think that at least this is a small mercy.  My death will be a physical, finite thing.  A few agonizing second of pain and then nothing.  

The creature doesn’t see the man until it’s too late.  He’s standing beside it.  Still smiling.  The laughter still pouring in from upstairs.  Then he dips his hands into the creature.  There’s no other word for it.  The smoothness of the breaking of that creature’s skin.  The way that they come out covered in blood and flesh with ease.  The creature howls in pain.  The man drives his hands now into it fully and it never appears that he has anymore effort than putting his hands in water.  The creature dies ugly.  Spasming on the floor as blood pours from its mouth.  The man then turns to me.  There’s no escape now.  I’ve lost my race.  

The man grabs me by my unbroken leg.  He starts dragging me towards the cellar doors.  My future is one only of pain and torture.  I start thinking about my house.  How it kept me safe and I violated its sanctity with my axe.  

We’ve reached the cellar steps now.  My head throbs with pain every time it bumps one of them.  The door opens to sunlight and an unknown future.  The laughter from the house has reached a crescendo.  Filling every part of my consciousness.  

A big fuzzy Rubik’s cube

What you see before you is a good portion of my knitting supplies. Twisted into knots and generally a big mess. There is a simple solution to this, which would be to cut it off at the ends and just absorb the loss. There’s an obvious reason not to do that, which would be waste.

But the real reason is because I just enjoy unraveling it. It’s just another puzzle like jigsaws or Rubik’s cube. The reason I think I’ve always liked these kinds of things is because it gives me the act of putting something right. Returning something to its original form. The way it’s supposed to be.

The same satisfying feeling as when you finish cleaning your house or something else like that. Everything in its Right Place as Radiohead would say. I’m going to work on it until it’s done and I have a big basket of yarn balls. There are still ten more seasons of X-files I need to watch.

My mind has become a lot clearer since I moved out on my own, so I think I’m going to try and make amigurumi dolls again. I’ve never had the clarity to do so before. I’ll keep you updated on how that goes.

Something I thought about Casino Royale

I think that Daniel Craig is one of the best James Bonds because he hates the character and that comes through his performance of it. But there is one thing that suddenly bothered me about his appearance in Casino Royale, which I think overall is a good movie.

There’s a scene where the bad guy played by Mads Mikkelson tricks him into losing everything. Bond stares at the cards for a long time then gets up, grabs a knife and starts stalking after Mads. He tells his associate to get Eva Green out of the hotel.

This is because he plans to messily murder Mads with that knife. Blowing their cover and the entire mission. He’s only stopped by the CIA agent who tells him that he has not just English money but American money for him to lose.

This can only be seen as James Bond having a giant sulk and deciding to throw a tantrum. The only problem is that his tantrum would have probably ended up with him killed because he decided to slice up a man instead of use his gun. And Mads would have probably still ended up with the money.

Also at the end of the movie, James slides the dealer one of his big old betting tablets that equals about 500 thousand or one million dollars. I am all for tipping service workers but that money was supposed to go somewhere else. That could have put money in the mouths of a lot of different people.

And you might be saying “Frank, Taylor Swift gave her crew over 178 million dollars in bonuses during the Eras Tour.” My response to that is that is money she earned, to do with as she liked. It was not money that was going to go to the public, which is what the money James Bond had just won was going to do.

It just feels a little irresponsible. Both to give away one million dollars and to send this giant crybaby on a mission.

Here’s Victoria Coren Mitchell also dog piling on what an asshole James Bond is. Unlike James she didn’t need her opponent to bleed from his eyes to win several poker championships.