Okay, so things have happened in your life that you now own a transit van. It has no windows in the backends because people aren’t supposed to be there. There might be people back there because you’re going to a gig you’re roadie-ing or you need to get them across state lines or just because you’re moving house. Anyway, the back is going to be unimpressive unless you expect some action back there.

A friend once told me upon seeing one of the American Ninja Warriors that lived in a van, that she was past that part of her life to hook up with someone in the back of their van. Another friend said she wasn’t. So, you’re going to have a 50-50 chance if people are ready to rock back there. If you’re attracted to men, you don’t have to worry because if real life and horror movies have taught me in anything, men will walk into a bathtub of used syringes if it means that they can get some action.

Anyway, I’m getting away from the subject at hand. You own a transit van. You need something on the side of it. It’s going to showcase that you listen to some form of heavy metal. Well, here’s my advice for your custom van based on what I would do.

1. Shirtless Barbarian/Female Barbarian in a Fur Bikini

A classic of the genre. You’re going to have a dude who seems vaguely viking in attire except for his completely impractical attire. Why wouldn’t he wear some form of armor? Because he’s too fucking hardcore and too good at fighting. That’s why he doesn’t need any armor. What is he a wuss? A NERD?!

Anyway, he’s going to be holding a sword aloft. Lightning may or may not be striking the sword depending on how magical he is. Dealer’s choice on that one.

He may have a pretty lady, bikini clad, tugging on his leg. But you might have noticed I gave you an option of either/or. Bikini or shirtless barbarians. That’s where we’re going get ’em. Hit ’em with something they didn’t expect. Bikini barbarian holding a sword aloft and shirtless buff viking holding onto her leg. Put the dude in a bikini. Fuck it. Go nuts. Life is too short.

2. Giant Cobra

This cobra is going to be showing off. Full fangs. Full hood. He’s going to be some sick ass colors like purple and black. There may be lightning behind him. It’s what you’re willing to put up. But yeah, no fuss, no muss. Just a massive cobra looking cool as hell.

3. Wizard

The longest white beard, the robes of the darkest blue and shooting lightning from his hands. You might have noticed through this list, that I’ve mentioned lightning so many times. Why not fire? Why not wind? Because we’re not going to make the guy with the spray nozzle work hard. We’re going to have him make some crackling lines and that’s it.

4. Unicorns

That ‘s’ isn’t a typo. We’re going to have two unicorns. They’re going to be facing each other. They’re going to be crossing horns as if they’re in battle or love. You decide. Their coloring is going to be the purest white. There’s going to be a lens flare at the end of each horn. Whose going to be on each unicorn? Well….

5. A Knight Playing an Electric Guitar

The knight is going to be in full armor. Unlike the barbarians, we’re not going to see a single shred of skin. He is going to be absolutely shredding on a flying V guitar. The coolest looking most uncomfortable guitar to play. Can’t play it sitting down. There’s going to a half cloak over his shoulder. It’s going to be sick as fuck.

6. Words

Let’s throw on a catchphrase.

“Man with a van and NO PLAN”

“Comes to pick you up whenever you call one of those for a good time call numbers on a bathroom stall”

“This van is gender inclusive but we gonna make out”

“Ass, gas or grass? More like class, class or class. You’re going to either teach me something, play DND with me or have a fancy tea party”

“This van ramps over everything”

7. Red Tailed Hawk

Okay, I know you might saying, Frank, you’re a patriot. You love your country. Why wouldn’t you throw on a bald eagle? Well, because as much as I love my country, I love Animorphs more. So, we’re going to represent the eyes in the sky, Tobias. God, that name is so cool.

How many eyes of enemies have bald eagles ripped out to save the world? I can’t think of that many. Tobias has blinded so many people to make sure that they didn’t have to kill any humans but they still incapacitated them in some way.

Tobias is one of the greatest heroes of literature.

8. A Bald Eagle

Still not for America! The bald eagle was Rachel’s flight morph. So, even if they can’t be together in the books because Rachel died in battle, they can be together on the side of my van.

It still hurts, K.A. It still hurts. But you were right. There was no way she could come back from the war.

9. Any Alien From Animorphs

I was thinking about Animorphs like usual and then remembered how metal the designs were. First, we have the andalites.

Everything about this rules. The six pack abs. The cool scorpion tail. The elf ears. The stalk eyes. The centaur body. Fuck you actual centaurs. This is so much cooler.

The ravenous Taxxon! These things will eat anything. Including each other when they’re killed. I think that’s Rachel behind them? She doesn’t need to be on it. We just need this big bug.

Finally, the hork bajir, the walking razor blade foot soldiers of the Yeerks. And the most metal design of all of them. Look at them. They’re giant bipedal cool dinosaurs.

They also harbor the great tragedies of the war. They’re normally a gentle race that wouldn’t hurt a fly. So, why have all those blades? Because they live on a planet with massive trees and they use all those blades to harvest bark to eat. That’s right, they’re vegetarians.

And once again, the reason Tobias gets on the side of the van is because he made sure that there were free hork bajir for the first time in decades. God bless you, Tobias. The liberator.

10. Giant Clam

This might be a weird come down from the others. I just showed you so many cool aliens. So, why the humble giant clam? Because it contains multitudes. You can put in so many other things. Imagine a clam that opens up to release a bunch of fairies or just some treasure?

That’s the whole point of this is to show you that even the humblest things whether they be van or clam, can contain wonders.

Just like your heart.