I bought two suits in 2020
The promise of getting a new job
Things didn’t work out that way
And they stood in my closet
Waiting for a chance to do their thing
Now, I’ve worn them out
I lost sixty pounds from when I bought them
They fit me better now
I keep track of how often they go
To sad events or happy ones
Unfortunately, the score isn’t even
It’s been a hard five years
I had this discussion with my therapist last night. It’s something that constantly pops into my mind. Mostly because there are some nights where I don’t really do much of anything beyond doomscrolling on my phone. I’m not one of those people that thinks you need to be on that 24/7 365 grindset or you’re a waste to society. I know that the body and especially the mind needs rest.
The question I wonder is am I getting too much rest to the point of being lazy or am I getting the right amount?
Now, the thing is that I think part of this is the race conundrum. There are people further along in the race of life than I am. They’re married, they’re making more money than me or they’re just doing something that they want to do. I’ve achieved some things but it doesn’t feel like enough when I compare myself to them. So, that’s something that I have to deal with.
Then there’s the goal oriented anxiety. There are things that I want to do like start a Youtube channel, there are novels that I want to write, I want to learn to make amigurumi, I want to travel, I want to read more, listen to more new albums or podcasts and then there are so many other things that I want to do. When I stare up at that mountain, I get intimidated and once more, I do nothing.
Well, last night, I think I finally came along the way to solve this. It’s called the footpath. Don’t stare at the sheer cliff face and wonder how you’re going to climb it. You have to find the little way up the mountain. I’m going to take that list of things and introduce each footpath.
I want to write more- start with a single sentence a day.
I want to learn to make amigurumi- start watching the instructional videos so you have an inkling of what you’re getting into.
I want to travel- There are interesting places in this state and other states surrounding mine that I can travel to that doesn’t require much effort to go to
I want to read more- Novel too much? Start with a fanfiction, poem or short story.
I want to listen to more podcasts and albums?- Find a short podcast or start with one song from an album that you didn’t know.
Wait for one of those things to hook you and bring you along. I know that part of this is dealing with depression but this can help with that. I’ve found that when I’m depressed, I do something even if I don’t want to do it, eventually the joy of doing it starts to come along. You have to remind your heart of the things you love. Like calling a friend that you haven’t talked to in a long while.
I am stuck here
I know the way out
But I don’t want to take it
We met y’all by accident
And now two gals are sitting on my trunk
They don’t know it’s mine
I don’t care to tell them
I’m locked in with silk bars
I can easily leave
But I dare not to
Because when I move
The rest of us will leave
And I don’t want to stop
Laughing in the moonlight
It doesn’t come through fangs
It comes through words
The ones you say when you’re home
Leaking into your kids’ ears
It fills their veins and fills them up
They say the same thing to someone else
You smile and laugh
That’s my kid
You raise your glass
The poison moves
Bit by bit
Piece by piece through your bloodline
Until one day someone makes a friend
Someone reads a book
And feels the antivenom flow through them
Being a fatherless child these days
What should this day become?
Should it be ignored and left on the shelf
Pushed to the back of my mind
Where it can only tug at my brain
And make me sad out of nowhere
Or should it become a day of remembrance
Talking and thinking about all the things
Dad and I used to do
The things he said, the way he smelled
How that changed once he quit smoking
Either and any way
It doesn’t matter
There’s no way to make me less sad
Or miss him any less
Every woman is a history book
Detailing a lifetime of hardship
Footnotes of little slights and dismissals
Whole chapters on attacks and pain
Illustrations of wiping away tears
Putting on a brave face
And getting on with it
Because there is no other choice
Sometimes their history is a shared one
An oral history of similar acts
Strategies to get through it all
To rise above and keep going
A tribe that looks to its borders
With distrust and anger
Knowing their own history
And looking to change it
I listened to the song of the leaves as I crunched along the road. There was a chill running up my back that my coat couldn’t keep out. It was nice to feel, it had been a long walk and I was starting to overheat.
I was thinking of you as I listened to my music. Would you like this song? Would you think it was silly or something that was right up your alley? Would you sing along?
I remember when we sang together. Going down the same road in a car instead of by foot. That car was a lot like our friendship. Dented and old but unstoppable.
Those dents, I could never buff them out. We had done things to one another. Caused each other pain.
Sometimes you just have to live with it. Walk with the damage done to you. Was it unforgivable? Not this time. Would we forget? Probably not.
I show up hoping that for once in my life I’ll impress someone
It’s important tonight, out of spite
I wish that I could see the people I want
But they don’t show up to these things
Instead, the rest of us talk about
What could have been
And what was
They play songs that were new back then
They make us a little sad
Like the memories we’re bringing up
I think about the ones that didn’t make it
One in particular
I wonder if she thought about me at all
It’s still all about me
Maybe I deserved this bittersweet ending
When I walk amongst the shelves of the library it’s like I’m the pretty girl walking into the bar. All eyes are on me. Each book telling me to pick them. Asking to come home with me.
I pick out a few each time, usually returning the others. I have a two week stand with one. I can’t get it out of my head. I want to understand every inch of it. Explore it from end to end.
You never know when you’re going to fall in love. You never know what a book is going to do to you. There are ones that I barely remember. Lovers that didn’t register. But then there are others. Ones that stick with me. Stay on my skin. I can still recall them to this day.
I hold them in my memories. A warm, pleasant thing for cold, lonely days. I don’t know if I’ll ever love a book the way I love that one. I don’t know if it’ll ever come back around to it.
But like others, I’m going to keep trying. I’ll kiss a thousand frogs to find another prince. Because unlike humans, books don’t let you down in the same way. They at least take you on a little trip first. Instead of just leaving you alone in your bed and don’t call you back.
I saw my father plucking scales
From a mermaid’s tail
To make a necklace for my mother
Which isn’t an excuse
But it is an explanation
My friend met a boy
Who doesn’t call her back
But does text her friends
She took a swig of wine
And said, “If I found out
that Taylor Swift hunted men for sport
I’d fucking get it”
As for me, I need to get out there
But there’s this pile of books
That I really need to get to
Franklin Cota, an author and podcaster 