Needless to say, I finally dropped off my suit to the dry cleaners.
When I have stuff in the back of my car
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Tag Archives: funny
Monologue as I am Eaten by a Tiger
“Well, buddy, I had a good run. God, you’re beautiful. I don’t know if you’re male or female. But I hope female. I hope I’m feeding another generation of you majestic creatures. You know I had hopes and dreams. But sometimes they don’t work out. Sometimes, only one dream works out. This is that dream. God, I’m glad I’m not getting eaten by something lame like a human. You’re a dream of muscle and grace. Yet, you still maintain your cuteness. I would snuggle the fuck out of you if I hadn’t broken my leg trying to run from you. What a fruitless gesture. I’m not even sick or weak like your other prey. I was in fine health. You’re just my better. That’s it bat me around if you want to. I don’t care. This might hurt but I will be part of you. I will nourish a creature that is my better. Well, I’ve come to rest here in this jungle. You’re opening your mouth now. It’s been an honor.”
Chomp.
Why Cats are Funnier Than Dogs
In the backstory for the murderous foe of the Simpsons, Sideshow Bob, who was Krusty the Clown’s sidekick for many years, we see that his brother Cecil tried out for it instead. Cecil appeared in full clown makeup while Bob wore a dapper suit. When it came to the pie test, Cecil got hit with it and it wasn’t funny. Krusty reprimands him and says “The pie gag’s only funny if the sap’s got dignity.”
And that’s why cats are so much funnier than dogs.
Now, let me remind you that I have nothing against dogs. I think they’re proud and noble creatures that have served humanity for hundreds of years and no amount of praise, treats or belly rubs can be leveled at that them to ever thank them enough for the work they do in being our trusted companions.
But that doesn’t equate funniness. They are funny in their own way but cats I think take it way further. So here’s a short list of the reasons I think cats are funny.
- They just roll with the punches. Cats will get themselves stuck somewhere and just chill for the most part. Their ability to fit anywhere they can get their head through leads to them in all kinds of situations.
2. They look really funny in hats. This is self explanatory.
3. Cats’ reactions to things. Cats are overly dramatic and I love that for them. They will launch themselves off of something or go buck wild over the mildest thing.
4. They are expressive beyond belief. Sure they don’t probably know about the emotions that we’re applying to these expressions but they’re all funny. Whether they be angry:
Shocked:
Or just reinstating the clear relationship boundary lines:
I have a great love for all animals but cats will always be my favorite having grown up with them and learned their eccentricities and personalities. Soon, I will have my own cat, that is owned solely by me just like I have this apartment. I will regale you with tales of that cat and his insanity.
Well, anyway, thank you for joining me on this somewhat redundant post reminding the internet that cats are funny.
May Your Historical Impact Be Better Than Nanni
As a lover of history, I’ve always thought about the fact that I will never be featured in any history books or accounts. No one will write down my actions as important or memorable. What’s to be said about Franklin Cota on this day in history?
“Historians believed that he ate a lot of Cool Ranch Doritos and took a long nap. He did not brush the crumbs off himself before he fell asleep. He woke up and ate the crumbs and fell back asleep. He didn’t like himself after the nap.”
People from the past who were unable to get basic spices would say that I lived like a king! Napping and eating full bags of Christmas color flecked corn chips. People from the nearer past would say that I’m a gluttonous loser who ate a whole bag of chips in one sitting and fell asleep. They’re both right!
Still, for all the embarrassing I’ve done, am doing and will do, I will be blessedly forgotten. I will not be remembered as Nanni, the ancient Karen who is the first person in known history to issue a written customer complaint from 1750BCE.
But was he a Karen? Reading through the complaint, it seems that he had legitimate gripes with copper merchant Ea-Nasir. Who seems to have not delivered his copper ingots despite receiving payments and also was rude to his servant! Every good boss I’ve ever had has gone to bat for me. Nanni understands the plight of the workers underneath him.
And what he wants is pretty reasonable. He wants other his fine quality copper or his money back. He’s not demanding anyone get arrested or anything like that. He just wants Ea-Nasir to fulfill his end of the bargain.
Maybe there’s something to be said about that. He ended up in the history books because he was the first at something. It wasn’t something that we like but how would we have known about Nanni otherwise?
If you want to learn more about Nanni and Ea-Nasir’s feud, you can find it at the source of this post:
4 Ways to Know That Your Partner Loves Drama Despite Saying They Don’t
1. They say “I hate drama.”
This is a pretty obvious one. Mostly because anyone who can recognize drama and calls it by this name, loves it and wants to bathe in it. Normal people just refer to it as stupid bullshit.
2. They teach drama courses at the local community college
YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE PICKED UP ON THIS ONE SOONER.
3. They make you wear a Matt Dillon mask
It tells you that their feelings for you are waning… until the last step
4. They call out drama while doing the deed…
It’s over.
THAT One Dream: The Trifecta
Everyone’s had that dream that you show up to a class that you’ve never been there before or you’re late for a big test or you’re in class but you’re not wearing any clothes. What about the trifecta? You show up to a class late, not wearing pants and you haven’t been there the entire year. That would be the worst.
But what about the other people in that class? What are they thinking?
“This idiot doesn’t show up all year but they still show up for the final exam? How did they know it was today if they’ve never been here? But they show up for it late. Not wearing pants. You were fifteen minutes late and you couldn’t even put on a goddamn pair of pants. How dare you. Do you know how hard we all worked in this class. Go fuck yourself.”
How Many Celebrities’ Names Become a Lot Funnier When You Change the First Letters of Their First and Last Names to B’s
Bugh Baurie
Bill Burray
Bonan B’Brien
Bcarlett Bohanssen
Banny Bexbang
Bhanning Batum
Bon Bon Bovi
Btevie Bonder
Bustin Bieber
Bhris Bvans
Byan Bosling
Budrey Bepburn
Bavid Beckham
Beck
Bruce Bampbell
Bllen Begeneres
Bdras Blba
Bon Beremy
Blivia Blaina Bay
Bamela Bnderson
Bera Batrick
Bdam Best
Billy Brystal
Botorious B. I. G
Bce Bube
Bicki Binaj
Biley Byrus
Barmen Blectra
Belena Bomez
Baylor Bwift
Bhostface Biller
Ble Birty Bastard
BZA
BZA
Big Baby Besus
Bim Bardashian
Baris Bilton
Bindsay Bohan
Bmanda Beyfreid
Br. Bre
Bohnny Bash
Bwayne “The Bock” Bohnson
Bltimate Barrior
Bideo Bujima
Burt Bobain
Now please say in the comments at what point this post became not funny or add your own! Thank you.
Franklin Cota, an author and podcaster 