I love the Pokemon franchise greatly. But I have always had a problem with the fact that they send ten year olds out to catch these little monsters. I’ve gone on at length that I doubt many of these kids come back. In fact, the lore says that many of them don’t come back.

But then I was thinking that you don’t even need to leave your home to get killed by your pokemon. They don’t even have to mean it. I mean that mostly through friendship evolutions and not the terrible murderer that is Bewear.

Before I get to my point about friendship evolutions let me show you the pokedex entries about Bewear.

Read those entries. You catch one of these soulless monsters and it comes in to give you a hug. You’re feeling pressure on your arms and back and suddenly snap. You can’t move anymore and you feel your soul leaving your body. If you’re lucky, it won’t eat you though at that moment it won’t matter because you’ve been crushed by this monstrous bear. Gotta catch ’em all.

The thing about friendship evolution is unlike other forms of evolution, it can happen at any time. So, say you take a nap with your friend like I would with my cats on the bed. In fact, that’s where we’ll start. You take a nap with your lovable meowth.

Maybe he looks at you as you fall asleep and thinks about how much he loves you and friendship evolves into Persian.

And gains sixty pounds. That would make sleeping so uncomfortable. But it’s not deadly. For that, you would need to fall asleep with Munchlax.

Very cute, a bit heavier at 231 pounds. That’s just the size of a person. Now say the same thing happens and he friendship evolves into Snorlax.

You’re not coming back from that because he weighs over 1000 pounds. He would crush you without skipping a beat. It would at least be peaceful. You would go quietly into that good night. Possibly unless you woke up as you feel his body crushing you.

I might make this a series about all the ways you can die in the Pokemon world. There are so many.