Tag Archives: depression

A Farewell

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I hadn’t updated this blog in quite a while. I just haven’t had the heart to do so. It’s because a friend of mine has passed away recently. I won’t get into the details. I won’t say his name because I want the family to have their privacy. I know I’m not popular enough for a bunch of people to try and find them but you never know.

The death was sudden. We didn’t see it coming. He was there one day. I was texting him about when the next time we were going to hang was and then I got a text message from his mother that he was in the hospital. I went to see him that night. I heard the news and said my goodbyes. He was gone by that Saturday.

As I said, I don’t want to talk about the details. But I will talk about who he was as a person. He was a man that had been put into an absolutely terrible situation. One that would cause any other person to feel rage or anger. Him on the other hand, he was always patient, always kind. He had lost his father when he was much younger, when we were teens. When my own passed, I told him I guess we’re in the same shitty club.

I’m reminded of a line from Cold Mountain, where Stobrod sees the grave of Pangle. “If God was to set out killing every man on earth in order of their demerits, that boy would bring up the hind end of the line.” It’s suitable for him. He was kind, always. He was gentle, always. He loved his nieces and nephews. He loved his family. He loved everyone.

He had a love of movies that I think was more of an extension of that love. I think that he was just interested in people and their stories. Because of that, I constantly think about the movies I’m going to see and how we won’t be able to talk about them. The shows we were watching that I have to finish on my own.

It hits me in bits and pieces. I think it’s going to start hitting me more as time goes on. When I come down to visit my mom and I know that I’m not going to go see him. It hasn’t happened yet because of holidays, which always screwed up our hang out schedule as well as it’s only been about two weeks.

I don’t have much else to say about this. Usually when I make posts that aren’t about the stupid nerd shit that I like, I offer some kind of way forward. Some little thing that you and I can do to make our lives a little bit better. I don’t have that.

Grief is like nothing else. There is no path but forward. No way but through. It’s a vast ocean that you float in and have to keep your head over water. The waves will hit you and you will feel yourself get overwhelmed. But if you kick your legs and fight to live and honor the people you loved. You’ll get to shore.

Weird Fear of Failure

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I had a conversation with my therapist about why I continually consume the same media, which is stuff I’ve seen before and police bodycam videos like those put out by Boze vs. the World. I don’t watch normal TV shows or movies all that often except when I see something that really interests me. Admittedly, I know this seems a little strange because I watch new things every week for Teen Girl Talk but those feel more like a job than something I do for pleasure. Despite the fact that I love doing Teen Girl Talk? It’s the obligation that pushes me to do it.

Now, as my career in attending therapy has reached the American voting age, I’ve learned to constantly think about things and the reason I think the things I think. So, I had been chewing on why I didn’t encounter the new that often. And it came down I’m afraid of failing. At watching TV. That makes sense.

Of course it doesn’t, that’s the problem with depression and anxiety. They hardly make sense. So, we have to figure out the stupid logic behind it.

For this particular thing I was able to think back to when I was a young concert attending kid. I would discover a new band, fall in love and do whatever I could to discover everything about them. I had to hear every song. Every demo. Everything. If I couldn’t do that, I wouldn’t get into the band. Thus, for bands with big discographies, I’ve kept myself away knowing that I could never quite “finish” with the band.

It follows the same thing about movies and TV shows. Movies less so because so many of them are solo projects unless it’s the Jason movies. But with TV shows, I keep thinking that I have to watch everything. If I start something, I have to finish it. For some Netflix shows that’s easy because Netflix just gave up. But for others like Star Trek, those feel like behemoths. I’ll never be able to finish all of it.

My therapist challenged me on this, why do I have to? If I like something, I can watch it as I want. If I don’t like it, I can just stop. She wants me to start watching something and stop after ten minutes. That doesn’t feel quite the solution but it does lead me to do something else. To get out and try. Even if I don’t hear every scary story in a horror podcast that’s been running for years, I can at least try something new.

That was kind of the whole point of doing the one hundred albums in a year was to break me out of this mindset. To push me to keep doing something new and discovering other things. The fact of the matter is when I find something new, I feel good. I can’t let the fear keep me from that feeling because it, like the anxiety and depression that spawn it, only survive when I feed them. Time to make them starve.

Am I lazy?

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I had this discussion with my therapist last night. It’s something that constantly pops into my mind. Mostly because there are some nights where I don’t really do much of anything beyond doomscrolling on my phone. I’m not one of those people that thinks you need to be on that 24/7 365 grindset or you’re a waste to society. I know that the body and especially the mind needs rest.

The question I wonder is am I getting too much rest to the point of being lazy or am I getting the right amount?

Now, the thing is that I think part of this is the race conundrum. There are people further along in the race of life than I am. They’re married, they’re making more money than me or they’re just doing something that they want to do. I’ve achieved some things but it doesn’t feel like enough when I compare myself to them. So, that’s something that I have to deal with.

Then there’s the goal oriented anxiety. There are things that I want to do like start a Youtube channel, there are novels that I want to write, I want to learn to make amigurumi, I want to travel, I want to read more, listen to more new albums or podcasts and then there are so many other things that I want to do. When I stare up at that mountain, I get intimidated and once more, I do nothing.

Well, last night, I think I finally came along the way to solve this. It’s called the footpath. Don’t stare at the sheer cliff face and wonder how you’re going to climb it. You have to find the little way up the mountain. I’m going to take that list of things and introduce each footpath.

I want to write more- start with a single sentence a day.

I want to learn to make amigurumi- start watching the instructional videos so you have an inkling of what you’re getting into.

I want to travel- There are interesting places in this state and other states surrounding mine that I can travel to that doesn’t require much effort to go to

I want to read more- Novel too much? Start with a fanfiction, poem or short story.

I want to listen to more podcasts and albums?- Find a short podcast or start with one song from an album that you didn’t know.

Wait for one of those things to hook you and bring you along. I know that part of this is dealing with depression but this can help with that. I’ve found that when I’m depressed, I do something even if I don’t want to do it, eventually the joy of doing it starts to come along. You have to remind your heart of the things you love. Like calling a friend that you haven’t talked to in a long while.

    That new Psycho Killer video

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    So, a little under two weeks ago, the Talking Heads released a video for Psycho Killer, a fifty year old song. You can find it here:

    It’s a simple video, a woman played by Saoirse Ronan, wakes up, she talks to her boyfriend, she brushes her teeth, she goes to work, sometimes she goes to a field, sometimes she goes to therapy, she goes to bed and the cycle repeats. In that simple premise though we see a perfect representation of anxiety and depression. The way that she seems cut off from everyone. How her emotions go wild while no one pays attention to her.

    The biggest part of this is of course Ronan’s performance. Her facial expressions and body language tell the entire story. Sometimes she’s gently rocking back and forth while reaching out to take a coworker’s hands, she’s annoyed with boyfriend, she’s scared, desperate, she’s crying, she’s ecstatic, she’s being weird and every scene you somehow can imagine how she got into that scenario. Of course, it’s unsurprising given her remarkable talents.

    Having had anxiety and depression throughout my life, everything she does is accurate. Despite what movies and tv shows illustrate, you’re not able to just lay in your feelings. You have to get up and do the thing. No matter what it is, no matter how you feel, you have to live.

    There are moments when you feel like you’re weeping or begging for help in front of people and they can’t hear you. Then there is the endless repeating of the days. Where you feel you’re just moving through copies of the same day. The only thing that changes is your clothing or roughly how you feel.

    This is why art is so important and to be made by as many different kinds of people as possible. I would have loved to have this when I was younger so that I could point to it and say, “this is how I feel almost all the time”.

    The other great thing about this and the description of the video points it out, that you could make something so on the nose. Some murderous man harming people, blood and violence. Instead, we have this showcase of a great song by a phenomenal actress.