The Power Rangers had a rough time of it, I mean so did the town of Angel Grove. I could only imagine what it would cost to get property insurance in that town. Plus, that shit happened seemingly every week. Most of the time, it would be out in the badlands but occasionally they would throw down in the middle of the city.

Before they become that giant life crushing robot, they’re the Zords. Color coded and all that jazz. So, I’m going to figure out which color I would like to be based on that ride. This will be the worst to best.

6. Blue Ranger- Triceratops

Nothing against Billy. He was the brains of the team and deserved to head off with his hot alien partner.(Also, I feel it shitty to not point out the bullshit that David Yost had to handle for being gay by the production staff. WTF, you assholes.). Anyway, the thing with the Triceratops zord(Take a drink every time I say that word, not of alcohol, that would kill you), is that it’s just kind of boring. It’s basically just a tank with a cool face and tail. But hey, tanks are useful. Even now, I suppose. Someone has to be at the bottom of the list and that’s where the Triceratops unfortunately finds himself.

5. Black Ranger- Mammoth Zord

Kind of the same problem as the Triceratops but a little bit better. It’s slow and its weapon is a frost blast. That’s okay but I think the main use of it is arms and a shield. Not much to say about it beyond that.

4. Red Ranger- T-Rex Zord

This might be a controversial choice as this thing rips. But the problem with the T-rex zord is that a better version of it came along with the Green Ranger. T-Rexes are cool… but Godzilla is way fucking cooler. C’mon let’s face some facts. Still, it’s a bit more maneuverable and useful than the others, so that gets it higher on the list.

3. Yellow Ranger- Saber Tooth Tiger Zord

Okay, so you might think that this is a weird choice considering how I gave the mammoth and triceratops zords such stick. However, this one is quicker and more agile and most importantly it’ll help me if I ever decide to go work with the Voltron crew. They’ll see this zord on my resume and be like “Ah, you have experience driving a giant cat robot. That’s going to put you at the top of the list.” Who knows, I could be in the black lion within a few years. I’m sure he has a comprehensive dental plan.

2. Green Ranger- Dragonzord

Do you want a mechagodzilla that isn’t nuts? Get the dragonzord.

Do you want to pilot it via a flute that you play through your helmet that sounds like a synthesizer? Get the dragonzord.

Do you want a boss ass shield on your uniform? Get the dragonzord.

So, yeah all of that makes it pretty great. I would love a flute based control system for my car. The dragonzord just rules on so many levels. It look cool as hell, has a drill tail and missile fingers. Plus, you can efficiently make a megazord with it from three extra zords. Then the megazord can also where it as a hat.

The whole thing just rules. As I said it looks like a robo Godzilla.

By the way, if you like wall art and good nerd art in general, I would suggest this print by wizyakuza. I have it on my wall and it looks really good.

1. Pink Ranger- Pterodactyl Zord

Let me paint you a picture. The monster lays defeated, the Megazord disassembles and all of you are left in your Zords alone. You take off your helmet and rub your neck. You need a break. You look at your friends and say, “Guys, I need a break. I’ll catch you later.”

You take off in this thing at Mach 2.5 and land in Paris a little over three hours. You tour the town, you bring justice to the local street toughs and then head home. All the while, you’re having a good time, cranking the tunes and ignoring calls from Zordon that this isn’t what he gave you the Zord for. You tell him that you think it’s weird he named these death robots after himself. He doesn’t have an answer and leaves you alone.

Plus, you’re in a fly outfit with a cute skirt. No matter your gender identity that shit’s going to look good. Speaking of outfits though…

Who made that giant cloak for the Megazord? That will suffocate any humans that it falls on.