I don’t drink. I’ve drank on a three occasions. The first was when I was working with my dad when I was like eight. My dad was drinking a Budweiser and I asked him if I could have some. I took a sip and it was disgusting. Put me off beer for the rest of my life.

Secondly, my grandfather put his gin and tonic next to my water during a barbecue. I drank from it, thought it tasted weird and he said what are you doing. I spit out what was probably some very expensive gin into the sink.

Thirdly, I was on a date with a beautiful woman and she poured me a glass of wine. I didn’t know how to back out of it, so I drank it in one gulp. She then said accurately, you don’t drink wine do you.

So, I don’t understand how alcohol works. Here are three ways that I don’t understand how alcohol works.

1. Champagne flutes

I read about champagne flutes before I ever knew what they were. It’s the same thing as the word quiche. I read the word but it translated in my head to “qwincha”. My parents and sister made nonstop fun of me, constantly asking where did the n come from?

So, when I read about champagne flutes, did I think long thin glasses? Nope!

I thought that people were having fun and drinking out of flutes that they were covering all the holes of. Do I need to look at the dictionary? Nope! Just continue with my stupid thought until my young adulthood.

2. You can just mix whatever.

When I was younger, I listened to a lot of the Good Life where Tim Kasher is singing constantly about getting blackout drunk. So, I thought that that was the point. So, you would want the highest alcohol content in all your drinks.

That means you would want to drink like a rum and scotch. Irregardless of things like taste or texture.

Hell, if I was coming up with my signature drink given the parameters of what I thought people wanted it would probably be everclear mixed with absinthe. We would call it the straight to the grave.

3. A Scotch and soda was just any soda

I loved Law and Order and M*A*S*H and watched them religiously when I was in sixth grade. During the summer, they had like four episodes of each on in the morning and evening. I watched them nonstop.

The thing is there’s a lot of drinking in M*A*S*H and after many cases, McCoy would go to the bar and order a scotch and soda. I now know that that was seltzer, which is just water ruined through carbonation. But to my young mind, I thought that it was Coca-Cola or Pepsi. They’re both brown, right?

In conclusion, don’t let me make your drinks. I’ll either kill you or disgust you.