I like watching body cam videos. I don’t know why or what about it that fascinates me. Maybe there’s a secret true crime fan inside of me that I’ve never embraced. But I especially like the ones where drunk drivers get their selfish asses hauled off to jail for the night. Because there’s nothing worse than idiots who decide to that they can put everyone’s lives on the line because they decided to have too much to drink.
But having watched a number of these videos, an underlying theme that I’ve seen is that all the drunks when asked how much they’ve had to drink they always respond two beers or two drinks.
I don’t drink so I can’t speak on the matter but is it decided amongst drinking folk that that’s the agreed upon amount to tell the cops? Is there a cultural reason to do so? I wouldn’t be so intrigued if it wasn’t so consistent. They always just say two. Maybe someone in their high school told them that that was the get out of jail free card for stops like this and they all went with it.
Anyway, whoever decides to drink and drive, they deserve to have the book thrown at them.
I don’t drink. I’ve drank on a three occasions. The first was when I was working with my dad when I was like eight. My dad was drinking a Budweiser and I asked him if I could have some. I took a sip and it was disgusting. Put me off beer for the rest of my life.
Secondly, my grandfather put his gin and tonic next to my water during a barbecue. I drank from it, thought it tasted weird and he said what are you doing. I spit out what was probably some very expensive gin into the sink.
Thirdly, I was on a date with a beautiful woman and she poured me a glass of wine. I didn’t know how to back out of it, so I drank it in one gulp. She then said accurately, you don’t drink wine do you.
So, I don’t understand how alcohol works. Here are three ways that I don’t understand how alcohol works.
Champagne flutes
I read about champagne flutes before I ever knew what they were. It’s the same thing as the word quiche. I read the word but it translated in my head to “qwincha”. My parents and sister made nonstop fun of me, constantly asking where did the n come from?
So, when I read about champagne flutes, did I think long thin glasses? Nope!
I thought that people were having fun and drinking out of flutes that they were covering all the holes of. Do I need to look at the dictionary? Nope! Just continue with my stupid thought until my young adulthood.
2. You can just mix whatever.
When I was younger, I listened to a lot of the Good Life where Tim Kasher is singing constantly about getting blackout drunk. So, I thought that that was the point. So, you would want the highest alcohol content in all your drinks.
That means you would want to drink like a rum and scotch. Irregardless of things like taste or texture.
Hell, if I was coming up with my signature drink given the parameters of what I thought people wanted it would probably be everclear mixed with absinthe. We would call it the straight to the grave.
3. A Scotch and soda was just any soda
I loved Law and Order and M*A*S*H and watched them religiously when I was in sixth grade. During the summer, they had like four episodes of each on in the morning and evening. I watched them nonstop.
The thing is there’s a lot of drinking in M*A*S*H and after many cases, McCoy would go to the bar and order a scotch and soda. I now know that that was seltzer, which is just water ruined through carbonation. But to my young mind, I thought that it was Coca-Cola or Pepsi. They’re both brown, right?
In conclusion, don’t let me make your drinks. I’ll either kill you or disgust you.
Franklin Cota, an author and podcaster 