I have to wear a CPAP mask because my throat is very crowded. Even if I lost weight and got my tonsils out I would still need to wear it. The problem is that there’s no way to make this thing look cool or sexy.

Of course, there’s something to be said about stigma that when you put it on, you have to admit that you need this thing. Plus it leaves a weird red mark around your mouth. However, it helps me breath and I love it for that.

So now I’m going to make it cool and sexy.

Cool: It looks like a vague attempt to make a dollar store version of those breathing masks that jet pilots wear. If I put sunglasses and a bicycle helmet on when I fall asleep, I’m basically fitted out to fly an F-14. God, that would be so funny if someone came in and saw me sleeping like that, I think I might do that just in case a burglar comes in.

Let’s make it sexy. This one is far easier. Just say this to the person sleeping next to you.

“Hey lover, get ready for me to not snore and keep you up. That’s right, here comes the mask. Prepare for peaceful slumber and when we wake up we’ll have enough energy to make more love or go to the farmer’s market like you want. Hell yeah.”

Also, I think that I should paint some flames on my mask to make it look even cooler and sexier. Plus I need to give my CPAP machine a new cooler name. Let’s see this is going to be difficult because the name lends itself closely to the idea of pap smear. Let’s go with Turbobreather. Oh, fuck yeah.

Welp, done. I’ve fixed CPAP machines for all. You’re welcome.