It was another New Year’s in a shitty bar with someone whose name she wouldn’t remember by the morning. He had been a last minute choice, having matched a few days ago. He was alright, she guessed. She thought that he wasn’t going to be that much in bed. During conversations, he was selfish and interrupted her. She imagined that he wouldn’t be much better in any other regards in his life. Sometimes it was good enough.

But not tonight. For some reason, she just couldn’t do it tonight. She couldn’t put her finger on what this feeling was. But she knew that she just didn’t want to deal with it. She took one last look at him and decided that now was the moment. It was her chance. She slid out of her booth, pushed through the crowd and out the door.

It was still early. She could find someone else. She could go to a different bar. She could get nice and buzzed somewhere. She could find out what her friends were doing. They had gotten older than their years. Found partners. Got hitched. Made babies. She had thought them boring for so long.

But as she walked into the street. Pushing through the New Year’s crowds. She felt… off. She didn’t feel their revelry. Didn’t feel their joy. She felt something else.

She hailed a taxi and told the driver to take her back to Penn Station. When it got her there, she still hadn’t heard anything from her date. Maybe he had met someone at the bar. Maybe he thought that this was all for the best. Maybe he had forgotten all about her.

Whatever.

Her luck was holding up and she saw that there was a train heading back towards her home in about twenty minutes. She ordered three slices of pizza, reminded herself that her resolution to go to the gym more started in the morning and waited. The train arrived in a rush of screeching brakes and painful smells. The kind that assaulted the nostrils.

She climbed on and finished her pizza before the next two stops. She held onto the pizza box because she was raised right. When she got to her car, she climbed in and waited for it to warm up. Still nothing from her date. She felt nothing about this.

When the car was warm enough, she put it in drive and started going. She put her phone’s music in random mode and turned towards home. She made it about two miles when she saw the red and blue lights in her rearview.

“Well, shit,” she said.

The officer was a young Asian woman. She walked up to her car window, which she had already rolled down and had her documents in her hands.

“Evening,” the officer said.

“Evening,” she said and held out her documents.

“Where you heading?”

“Home.”

“Had anything to drink?”

“One drink about three hours ago.”

“Hm. No plans for the evening?”

“I had plans but my date was kind of boring.”

“Heh, I’ve been there. Give me a minute.”

She waited with her car off and thought that this was another change. Usually, she would have been anxious or nervous when getting pulled over. It wouldn’t be on purpose but the memory of getting in trouble, something that was always dramatic during her childhood, would cause her to feel that way. But now, there was nothing. She would have to bring up this night to her therapist.

The officer returned to her.

“We’re doing random checks, that’s why I pulled you over,” the officer said. “But you seem more than fine. Stay safe.”

“Thanks,” she said.

She took back her documents, rolled up her window and started driving. She got home, pulling into her driveway and got out of her car. She walked into her apartment and heard the chorus of meows. They were wondering why she was home so early and why they weren’t being fed at that instant. She gave them some treats and went to shower and change into her pajamas.

She got some snacks and a bottle of wine and sat down on her couch. Her cats came to her, an orange and black. They figured out their sleeping arrangements and were soon snoozing in their cinnamon roll forms.

Her phone buzzed and she looked at it. It was her date.

Him: Hey babe, my date ghosted me. You around? Want to ring in the new year?
Her: You know that I’m the one you went out with tonight, right? Did you forget what my name was?
Him: What the fuck, why did you ditch me?
Her: You’re boring and you talk too much about crypto.
Him: Whatever. I don’t need you.
Her: I mean, you must need someone if you’re mass texting everyone.
Him: Bitch.

She blocked him and let out a satisfied sigh when she did so.

She turned on a movie and let her mind wander. What was she feeling at this instant? When she stayed in on nights like this she would worry that she was becoming some kind of cat lady. Letting the world pass her by. She looked around at her slice of the world. Her little apartment. Her little world. Her little piece. Piece. Peace.

And at that moment, she knew what she was feeling. She raised her glass to the ceiling. Downed the rest of her wine and smiled a deep, dreamy smile.